


Total Kaos 24/7

by Egypt18015



Category: Backstreet Boys
Genre: Comedy, Drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:40:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 52,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24353011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Egypt18015/pseuds/Egypt18015
Summary: The boys celebrate their tenth anniversary by looking back on how they came to be.Originally written in 2002
Kudos: 3





	1. Nasty Pizza and Big Breaks

Tired after a long day of interviews, I journeyed up to my hotel room eager to take a bath and go to bed. The days seem endless sometimes. I would love nothing more than to just go to sleep and wake up three days from now. That is not the life of a rock/pop star though. I fill my bathtub with rose water and slip in, letting the suds entomb me.  
  
This is what I'm talking about. Rest and relaxation. I close my eyes and try to remember the days events. It was exciting to think that we have actually made it to our real ten year anniversary. No one including me could have ever thought it possible. Unfortunately with all the celebrating there is also a lot of hype attached. That means the five of us going from show to show to promote ourselves. It's kind of fun but a lot of hard work. We have all kind of been spoiled.  
  
Wow, spoiled and BSB in the same sentence, who would have thunk it! I chuckle and dip down underneath the suds....  
****************************************  
"Nick are you going to stay in that stupid bathtub all night? Come on! Lou said he would be here in about fifteen minutes!" Good God couldn't Kevin give me a moment of peace? Is that too much to ask? All I wanted to do was take a bubble bath with my rubber duck!  
  
"I'll be out in a minute!" He was so pushy. I have only known him for a little over two years and he drove me crazy. He acted like he was the boss of me.  
  
"Nick!" Oh my God I bet his eyebrows are jiggling around like a madman's!  
  
"Okay I said give me a minute!" I decided that a nice quiet bath was not to be. I ducked my head under the sudsy water and jumped out of the tub  
  
"Nick!" I couldn't help but laugh. That boy was going to give himself a heart attack by the time he was 30 if he kept this up. I dried myself off, got dressed and entered the hotel room.  
  
AJ and Brian were sitting on the floor keeping themselves occupied with my video games, Howie was just sitting on the bed watching the action and Kevin was on my phone.  
  
"Excuse me, the last time I checked this was MY hotel room right?" They all ignored me. I walked over to them and stood directly in front of the screen.  
  
"Hey move out of the way dumbass! Can't you see we're playing a game here?"  
  
"Yeah my game! It's not polite to just use someone's things without asking!" I then went over and shut off the game.  
  
I was so happy that I had my own room. It didn't happen very often. Actually it NEVER happened. We had to share rooms. Lou was being so generous with his money that it was the least we could do. I never got my own room. Kevin and Howie saw to that.  
  
"Why did you just do that jerk?" AJ asked me as he kicked me in the shin. Sometimes I really hated him.  
  
"Because" I then sat down in a huff on the bed next to Howie.  
  
"Because? what a stupid excuse dumbass!"  
  
"All right that's enough out of the both of you. Come on guys settle down. Lou's coming with news that could either make us or break us" Kevin paced. Poor Kevin always paced.  
  
"Kevin, you need to relax man, whatever Lou has to say..it'll all work out" Brian so calm and soothing. I love that guy to death.  
  
Truthfully I was a little nervous about big poppas visit. He used to come and see us all the time but the busier we got the less we saw of him. He only tended to come when something great was about to happen or something awful. There was no happy medium.  
  
"So what do you think he is going to say?" Howie asked Kevin who had finally stopped pacing and sat on the bed across from Howie and I.  
  
"I don't know, It sounded urgent though"  
  
"Maybe he will say that we made a terrible mistake giving jerkboy over here his own room!" He cracked himself up.  
  
"You're just jealous AJ but I won it far and square" Thanks to my incredible UNO playing abilities. Winner got their own room for a night. That was me!  
  
"Aw, yeah I'm all broken up about it because now I have to share with someone who doesn't stink up the place and jerk off on a constant basis!" I reached over and hit him on the head with the remote I had grabbed out of Howie's hand. He stood up and charged at me.  
  
"That's it" He said as he tackled me making me fall to the floor. I accidentally kicked Howie in the face on my way down.  
  
"Ouch shit that hurt!" I looked up to see poor Howie holding his now bloody nose. AJ and I just stared at D frozen in place.  
  
"Great!" Kevin said as he charged out of the room and down the hall for what I can only guess would be ice.  
  
"Boy is he gonna feel stupid when he gets down to the machine and realizes he forgot the bucket" Brian said and then I couldn't help myself. I cracked up. AJ also laughed even Howie joined in.  
  
That's how Lou found us. I was on the floor with AJ on top of me. Howie was holding his bloody nose and Kevin walking in with three pieces of ice in his bare hand. Water running down his pants looking like he wet himself.  
  
Lou just looked long and hard at us his gaze alternating between Howie's nose, Kevin's pants and J and I.  
  
"What the hell is going on in here?"  
  
Kevin not exactly sure what to say held his hand out which now contained only water and said "Um...ice" This cracked us all up including Lou who had a perplexed look on his face.  
  
"What? Kevin what are you blabbering about?"  
  
"Kevin went to get me some ice for my nose. I accidentally hit it" D said glaring at AJ and I.  
  
Lou came over and got a good look at Howie's nose.  
  
"I hope that doesn't bruise. You have a big day tomorrow!" He said taking a seat in the chair by the table.  
  
"Why? What's going on Lou?" Brian asked with the same curiosity we all had.  
  
"You have been asked to be the cover boys for Bravo!" We wanted to react but we had no idea what he was talking about. When Lou saw our blank stares he became annoyed.  
  
"Bravo, it's the biggest pop magazine here in Europe. The publisher said that The spice Girls were gonna be on it originally but do to some unforeseen problems, they decided to go with you" Lou just stood there trying to gauge a reaction form us.  
  
Kevin was still standing there with his hand full of water just gazing into space. He really freaked me out sometimes. Suddenly his eyes lit up and he ran towards Lou and gave him a big hug. That was our cue to get up off the floor and join in the embrace.  
  
"Hey thanks Lou this is awesome! I knew I loved the Spice Girls!" J said as he put his arms around the big man.  
  
I looked at Howie who didn't come over or anything. He was just standing by himself looking at us. Hand still firmly planted on nose.  
  
"Hey D, come on over and get a hug!" I urged him walking towards him with arms outstretched.  
  
"I would love to Nicky but I'm bleeding to death." When he said that Kevin jumped into action once again running out of the room. He came running back in seconds later to grab the ice bucket.  
  
Lou stayed for a little while longer urging us to go to bed because we would have a 4am wake up call. He said his good-byes and walked out of the door.  
  
"Wow!" Howie said.  
  
"I know isn't that the coolest thing you ever heard? Us the Backstreet Boys on the cover of a huge magazine. Incredible." Kevin sounded so reflective. He was having a moment.  
  
"Uh actually I was just gonna say I can't feel my nose. But you're right about the whole magazine thing though" Kevin rolled his eyes and laughed.  
  
We decided to order a pizza to celebrate our photo shoot. True we were in Germany and the pizza was a little scary here to say the least, but what's a victory without pizza? So we ordered it. It by far was the worst thing I had ever put in my mouth. Okay maybe I'm exaggerating but not by much. The sauce was so bland!  
  
"Blech!" I said as I chewed slowly with my mouth open.  
  
"God Nick, that is disgusting either chew like a human or spit it out!" Yes, sir Kevin sir. I spit it out into a napkin.  
  
The pizza wasn't why that night was so special though it was the company I was keeping. Hanging out with boys older than me almost made me feel cool or something. I wish we were popular at home so I could rub it in the faces of all the bullies at school.  
  
"Guys, I want to get serious for a minute" I laughed.  
  
"What's so funny little man?"  
  
"Kev, are you ever NOT serious?" He shot me a playful nasty look and then continued on,  
  
"Anyway, I just wanted to say that this is a milestone for us. Lot's of people who have never heard of us before will pick up that magazine and be curious. Maybe curious enough to buy our CD. Today is a big day! I just want everyone to understand that" When he finished he looked directly at Brian and I.  
  
"We do cousin. We do" Brian reassured him.  
  
"Now, we should probably be going to bed." He stood up taking his uneaten piece of pizza and throwing it in the garbage. All the boys followed his lead. Howie walked over and grabbed my plate.  
  
"Are you done Nicky?" I nodded. He then threw it in the garbage.  
  
"Well, Nick have fun in your own room. I'm jealous but I still say you cheated!"  
  
"Nope Brian, what you witnessed was pure genius my friend. Skill and genius!" He winked at me and walked out the door.  
  
"Hey Kaos! No ordering porno flicks!" I rolled my eyes at AJ. That was a good idea though.  
  
"Howie!" I yelled a little louder than I meant to because he jumped as he walked by me. He turned around and looked my way.  
  
"I just wanted to say sorry for the nose thing" He came over and gave me a hug. Then he walked out the door leaving me alone with the worry wart. Kevin walked over to me and placed a protective hand on my shoulder.  
  
"Nick, are you sure you want to stay by yourself?" He was kidding right?  
  
"Kevin I had my own room at home, I think I can manage staying by myself for one night in a hotel"  
  
"I know but home is different than here. You're only fifteen...I just wanted to make sure that's all. If you need me I'm right down the hall okay?" He then put his hand under my chin and ruffled my hair.  
  
"Kevin"  
  
"Yeah buddy?"  
  
"Goodnight" He smiled and walked out the door. Leaving me alone.  
  
All alone.  
  
I sat on my bed and played some video games until I was good and tired. I then shut the TV and laid in bed. Did you know that hotel rooms make the creepiest noises. It always sounds like the people in the next room are right there with you. When someone puts on their shower it sounds like it's their own. Shadows cast the weirdest reflections. Why would there even be shadows? Right the moonlight that explains it.  
  
I laid there with eyes wide open listening to every footfall and sound heard in my vicinity. I finally gave in at 12:07.  
  
"Who is it?" Kevin yelled from behind his door.  
  
"It's me" I heard the rustling of his bed and his footsteps coming to the door. He opened it and it was clear I had woken the guy up.  
  
"Nick is something wrong?" I suddenly felt so stupid.  
  
"Ah..yeah I was wondering if you maybe wanted your own room. I felt bad because I took it when it was meant to be yours" He smirked at me.  
  
I walked into his room and saw Howie sound asleep in the bed.  
  
"I knew this was gonna happen" He said as he grabbed some of his stuff. He walked over to me and gave me a hug.  
  
"Too many monsters in there huh?"  
  
"No, I just thought I'd be nice" Even thought I knew he understood I saw a wimp, I wasn't gonna admit it.  
  
"Well, then thanks a lot, how selfless you can be sometimes" He laughed.  
  
"I'll see you in the morning kiddo." I shut the door behind him and climbed into the bed he vacated. It was nice and warm. I drifted off to sleep thinking about nasty pizza and big breaks...�


	2. Fritz Afforblat

My cell phone ringing woke me up. I forgot I was even in the bathtub. Hot soapy water always had that effect on me. I reached over to the sink, where I had laid my phone down and grabbed it.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Hey Nicky, watcha doing?"  
  
"Hey D..uh nothing big just taking a bath." I looked down at my fingers to see they looked liked raisins. I definetly was in here too long.  
  
"Just wanted to see what you were going to wear to our party tonight"  
  
"Hmmm, I was thinking about wearing some clothes Howie" He laughed.  
  
"Oh okay thanks smartass! I should've known better than to ask you" I smiled. It was so easy to rile up Howie.  
  
"Hey D, do you remember when we did that photoshoot for Bravo?"  
  
"Wow, which time?"  
  
"The first we ever did for them"  
  
"Wow, that was a freaky long time ago. Yeah I do, why are you bringing it up?"  
  
"What was the guy's name that took our pictures that day? Remember him? he had a great name" I could tell Howie was searching his brain for the answer.  
  
"Uh, I think his name was Fritz Afforblatt or something like that. Why?"  
  
"I don't know just trying to remember."  
  
"Well, I remember it all to well because of all the makeup they had to put on my eyes and nose because of you!" Yup Howie will never let me live that down. EVER!  
  
We hung up and I made my way out of the bathtub. Towel drying my hair I said his name again.  
****************************************  
"Fritz Afforblatt" He stood there with his arm extended waiting for someone to shake it. Kevin did the honors. I however did everything in my power to not say God Bless You! He said his name so fast it sounded like he was sneezing. Brian picked up on it too because he grinned at me after the flamboyant man introduced himself.  
  
"Come guys we have a lot of work to do" He walked over to Howie and looked at the blackness around his nose. He grabbed D's head and moved it from side to side Howie's eyes getting bigger every moment Fritz had his hands on the poor guy.  
  
"This is a complete mess! you must get to make up snappy quick quick" He clapped and on cue a woman came running out of nowhere and dragged Howie over to the makeup table.  
  
"This is going to be a surreal day. I can feel it already" Brian said making his way next to me.  
  
"So did you enjoy your own room last night?" I nodded.  
  
"Yeah he had a great old time in there. Maybe we'll let you have your own room from now on" Kevin said as he took a seat next to me and ate some breakfast from the little bagel stand they had set up for us. I think that was his way of saying okay I'll play your silly little game. He never told anyone. Neither did Howie. When Howie had woken up to find me in the bed next to him he laughed. I proceeded to tell him that in the middle of the night Kevin came in and demanded he have his own room! I know I'm pathetic.  
  
Fritz was now over talking to Lou about something and they kept pointing to me. That wasn't good. I kept looking over my shoulder hoping they were pointing at someone else.  
  
"You, little blue eyed boy, you come here with me now okay?" Well, AJ, Kevin and Brian got the biggest kick out of that. I rolled my eyes. He grabbed me by the arm and literally ran me over to the camera. He moved the bangs out of my eyes and made me sit on something that looked like a cloud. Then I saw the wings.  
  
"Oh no way!" I said as I stood up.  
  
"Why what is problem little boy? I make you an angel!" Brian laughed so hard that it reverberated through the entire room. I pointed at the wings.  
  
"You can't be serious can you Lou? I mean come on!" Lou walked over to me after grabbing the wings out of Fritz's hand.  
  
"Nick, this is a very important shoot for you. If Afforblatt wants you to be angel than you will be an angel! Suck it up and put on the wings!"  
  
"But.."  
  
"No, conversation is over. DO it!" He looked so menacing at that point that I just let him put the damn wings on me. By now everyone but Howie who was still in the makeup chair had gathered to watch the festivities. Smirks abounding. Fritz then said this is perfect. He put me in a white robe and stuck the stupid ass wings on me. Then to top it all off he put a halo over my head. I rolled my eyes and groaned the entire time.  
  
"What about them?" I asked pointing to my bandmates.  
  
"This is for your separate shots inside the article. We worry about them in a minute."  
  
"Yeah Nick take one for the team buddy!" Stupid AJ.  
  
"I hope he dresses you up like a horses ass!" I said. Lou glared at me so I stopped.  
  
He made me sit on top of the cloud with my hands in praying position looking down.  
  
"Good good little boy!" I shook my head in disgust.  
  
"What is wrong?" He asked me.  
  
"My name is Nick. Do you think you could stop calling me little boy?" He came over to me and grabbed my chin.  
  
"So feisty I love this boy!" I sighed.  
  
"Hey Fritz, doesn't he need a harp or something? Don't angels hold harps?" Oh my God I wanted to SO kill AJ. He was enjoying this a little too much.  
  
"No, a harp would be a little too much!" He said. Was he kidding me? dressing me up like an angel on a cloud wasn't too much? The guys laughed again.  
  
"Now you stand here little boy" He pointed to a place where he wanted me to stand. I did and suddenly three beautiful women dressed as angels took their place behind me. No one was laughing anymore. I however had an ear to ear grin on my face.  
  
He proceeded to take pictures of me in that stupid angel get up for over two hours. My feet were getting tired and I wanted to eat something and sit down.  
  
"Done now little boy. Oh sorry Nick was it? I remember for next time right okay now who's next?" He scanned the room as I threw off my angel outfit revealing my own sinner self. He grabbed Kevin next. I walked over to the bagel table.  
  
"Where did all the food go?" I asked no one in particular.  
  
"What's the problem little boy?" Brian asked mockingly. I rolled my eyes.  
  
"You know they are just going to stay that way if you keep it up"  
  
"Where's all the bagels?" I said pointing to the empty tray. All that was left was a half eaten poppy seed bagel.  
  
"Gone I guess" I don't know why but I almost cried. Maybe because of the four am wake up call maybe because of standing on my feet and being mocked for two hours, maybe because of the hunger. I really thought I was gonna lose it. I plopped down on a chair by the table.  
  
"Aw, sorry kiddo. We didn't realize you didn't get any. Want me to find you something?" Brian was more sympathetic when he saw that I was genuinely upset. I felt stupid.  
  
"No, that's okay. I'm just tired and cranky" He smiled at me.  
  
"Okay no problem. I know you're not a morning person. Gotta go, I have been called to wardrobe." I laid my head down on the table and fell asleep.  
  
I awoke to the sound of laughter and gentle shaking.  
  
"Nicky come on buddy wake up time for our group shots" I bolted up almost falling out of the chair. Howie laughed.  
  
"Ah, Nicky..you have some poppy seed on your face." He held out a mirror to me and showed me the five poppy seeds that were plastered on my forehead.  
  
"You fell asleep on the bagel tray dumbass!" AJ said laughing and patting me on the back. Fritz ushered me over to wardrobe and put me in this sky blue stupid ruffly thing. I felt like I was a dress up toy for him or something. Then a quick dab of makeup and a quick fix of the hair and boom back in front of the cameras.  
  
Fritz kept putting us in different posses and he would become very angry at me because I couldn't sit still.  
  
"We have to do that one again! Little boy you must please stop moving around. You are ruining the shots!" He become frustrated and came over to me and grabbed me.  
  
"You move so the little boy can sit down please" He said to Kevin. He moved and Fritz forcefully sat me down.  
  
"Easy!" Kevin said to the photographer.  
  
"Kevin let the man work" Lou said from behind Afforblatt.  
  
"Now look up here please little Nick" Well that was better than little boy at least.  
  
"Good now that is better, see we move the blue eyed angel to front and center and he behaves. You are destined to be in the limelight" He said. Lou laughed but we all stayed quiet. I wanted this long day to be over.  
  
Fritz was finally finished at 6pm. We spent ten hours doing nothing but getting our pictures taken. What a wasted day. We finally broke for dinner.  
  
"After your dinner break boys we have to meet the man who will be writing up your interview for Bravo." Lou said hugging us all one by one.  
  
"Today Lou? We're really beat" Kevin said yawning.  
  
"Yes, today Kevin. We have a long road to climb gentleman. You must do anything you have to do to get there" He was right so no one argued.  
  
Over dinner we joked about the days events particularly Mr. Afforblatt. What dinner wouldn't be complete without the guys making fun of me. So of course, AJ had to just remind everybody that I was an angel and fell asleep on the bagel tray.  
  
"What did he dress you guys up as?" I asked curiously.  
  
"Nothing. Just us." I rolled my eyes again. Brian laughed.  
  
"You know I should get a nickel every time you roll your eyes. I would be a rich man buddy" I rolled my eyes at him.  
  
"I'm so tired" I said wanting to just move all the plates and go to sleep on the table.  
  
"Yeah I am too. I think it's just a freaky long day for us. I think it won't always be like this. Will it?" Howie seemed alarmed at the thought of having more than just one day at a time like this one. Kevin just shrugged his shoulders.  
  
By the time our day ended it was 11pm. I had been up for almost nineteen hours. I was a crabby mess. I was so tired that when I got back to the hotel I fell asleep in my outfit complete with shoes. Brian my roomy for the night, must have taken them off for me because when we received our wake up call five hours later, I was snuggled under the covers...  
  



	3. I Heart Fatima

I laughed at the memory of that horrible photoshoot. We had so many more with Fritz. He always called me little boy even up until last year. He did a retrospective cover on us of all of the photos he had taken over the years. He of course chose that stupid angel picture to put in the middle of the lay out. The guys will never let me live that down. I remember at the time thinking that day was so long. I thought it was never gonna end. Little was I to know that it was to be the first of many a long day. We had no idea what was about to hit us. We were all so unprepared..  
****************************************  
I trudged to the van half asleep. It all just felt like a dream. I couldn't honestly say I was even awake for most of our early morning trips to rehearsal.  
  
"5am? Why do we need to dance at 5am Lou?" Kevin asked getting his bag situated on his lap.  
  
"Well, Kevin there isn't any other time to get it in. You have a very strict regimen to follow. Fatima is a very busy lady we could only get her for this early block of time"  
  
"Couldn't we find someone else then?" Kevin argued.  
  
"Kevin, Fatima is the best. She is very demanding but you'll see, she's worth getting up early for!"  
  
"She's hot too!" Oh my God did I just say that out loud? I must have because they were all laughing at me. Lou included.  
  
"Well, maybe you should keep that too yourself young man!" He said as he looked at our schedule.  
  
The car stopped, dumping us out in the studio where we were spending all of our early mornings. Brian pulled me out of the van and Howie grabbed my bag.  
  
"Come on Nicky, time to dance!" I rolled my eyes at him and yawned. Howie just laughed.  
  
"Well, good morning boys!" Fatima said sipping a water. She came over and gave us all warm hugs. I actually chuckled when she gave me mine. I'm such a wuss!  
  
"Thanks Nick you can let go now" I hadn't even realized I was still hugging her. I pulled away.  
  
"You smell pretty" I said. She gave me an odd look and laughed as she walked away. I blushed from total embarrassment.  
  
"Oh nice going Kaos, very smooth!" AJ said as he placed his bag down and began to stretch.  
  
"Gee, you sure smell purty lady!" Brian mocked me. I wanted to crawl under a rock and die.  
  
"Oh wait here it comes, here it comes" Brian said pointing at me. I rolled my eyes.  
  
"Yes, there it is!!! the eye roll!" He patted me on the back and walked away.  
  
I sat down and started to stretch next to Howie.  
  
"You know before we started this group" He paused while bending down and holding his legs. I could never do that. Sometimes I thought D was a freaky little elf or something. I laughed. I always crack myself up.  
  
"What's so funny?" He asked. I just shrugged.  
  
"Okay, well anyway, Before we got this job, I didn't even know there was a 5 in the morning! I thought it was a myth or something" I laughed again.  
  
"Gentleman, more stretching, less fooling around!" Fatima said as she playfully kicked at my foot. I giggled. I rolled my eyes at myself this time. I slowly turned my head making sure no one caught that but of course there was AJ smiling at me mouthing the words I heart Fatima! stupid AJ. He makes me so mad sometimes that I just want to..  
  
"Nick"  
  
"Scream! Ugh!" I looked up at Fatima and smiled.  
  
"Why are you screaming?"  
  
"No reason"  
  
"Okay" She had a perplexed look on her face.  
  
"Well, I was just saying that we are going to do the Bad Boy song."  
  
"Okay thanks Fatima for telling me that"  
  
"Uh huh" She walked away and I laid down on the floor hoping I would be lucky and it would collapse under me or something.  
  
I stood up getting ready to dance to the stupidest song ever created by man. I laughed my ass off when I heard it for the first time thinking that it was some kind of awful parody like a Weird Al thing. My laughter turned to horror when I found out that it wasn't.  
  
We rehearsed that song until almost 6:30. That's an hour and a half if you are keeping track! Nothing but that song. The dance moves were so challenging that even AJ was having trouble with them. I kept tripping over my feet. Kevin seeing me do this was getting mad.  
  
"God Nick you have to concentrate!"  
  
"I am trying Kevin but I am tired!!!"  
  
"We all are buddy. You just have to pay attention to what we are doing here!" See we all had our little things we did when we were tired. I whined, Kevin yelled. Usually at me.  
  
"Okay okay maybe it's time for a little break" Fatima said when she saw me near tears. She came over and patted my back.  
  
"Nick you were doing just fine. Go eat some breakfast and then maybe you'll have a little more energy" I nodded, not even caring how I looked to her. I went over, sat down and grabbed a granola bar out of my bag. I laid down resting my head on my backpack.  
  
Kevin walked over and sat down next to me. He offered me a banana and some orange juice. I shook it away.  
  
"Come on little man, OJ helps you keep up your energy and you should have some fruit." He held it in front of my face until I grabbed it from him. He then affectionately patted my head as he got up and walked away.  
  
I laid there with banana in hand sipping on my orange juice. I made the mistake of looking at the clock on the wall.  
  
"Oh you've got to be kidding me!"  
  
"What's wrong now Nick?" Howie asked from a near by chair." I pointed to the clock.  
  
"It's only 6:45 Howie. Do you realize that we have danced our butts off before most people are even awake?"  
  
"Yeah I know. I learned not to look at the clock. Hey, are you gonna eat the banana?"  
  
"Not sure why?"  
  
"Cause I'll eat it if you are just gonna stare at it. I'm still kind of hungry." I threw it over to him.  
  
"Thanks" Kevin walked over and sat next to me.  
  
"Nick, banana?"  
  
"I wasn't hungry so I gave it to Howie" Kevin shook his head in disgust.  
  
"Okay gentleman breaks over, let's get back to work"  
  
"That wasn't even fifteen minutes" AJ commented as he made his way back into the studio.  
  
We danced our show that we were getting ready to do in just a few weeks. I found it mostly difficult to sing and dance at the same time. I was awful with holding the microphone. It was too much for me to concentrate on at once.  
  
"Good work boys but some of your movements are still a little slow. Nick was doing it correctly. Come here baby, let's show the boys how it is done." Fatima called me over to her and I gloated all the way there. AJ made faces at me the entire time.  
  
Fatima held me close to her and was moving my arms like I was her puppet. God I would be her puppet anytime she wanted me to be. I would be her Kermit, she could be my little piggy. Suddenly Brian started cracking up.  
  
"Brian what's so funny?" She asked him never leaving my side.  
  
"Sorry but Nick has the dopiest grin on his face. He was just cracking me up"  
  
"Aw, baby don't listen to him. He's just jealous"  
  
"I won't Miss Piggy" Oh for the love of God..maybe I just said that in my head. Maybe I..  
  
"Excuse me?" Oh crap!!!!  
  
"Yes, Fatima?"  
  
"Did you just call me Miss Piggy?" I winced and slowly turned around to face her.  
  
"Um..yeah, it's a compliment see you were Miss Piggy to me being Kermit. the muppets you were playing with me like I was a puppet..Ew, I mean..you know you were feeling me up...Oh God no I mean um..." She laughed and patted my back. The guys were in hysterics.  
  
"You are a strange one child. Cute, and strange" she nudged me back into my place and I did the only thing I could think of to do, I ran out of the room.  
  
Brian walked into the bathroom to find me hitting my head against the wall saying Stupid Nick! Stupid Nick!  
  
"Hey are you coming back?" I still pounded my head against the wall.  
  
"No, I'm never going in there again."  
  
"That's a little dramatic don't you think Kaos?" He laughed. I turned around to him and he was surprised to see I was crying. He walked over and put his hand on my shoulder.  
  
"Nick, it's really no big deal. Fatima is over it already. We have a lot of work to do." He just stood there waiting for me to say or do something.  
  
"Come on buddy, really it's okay."  
  
"Now she knows I like her" I whispered.  
  
"No, she doesn't. She only thinks you called her a pig!" I laughed.  
  
"Your secret is safe. I promise." I wiped my tears away. Threw some water on my face and walked with Brian back into the studio. They were in the middle of the dance for Everybody so I just joined in.  
  
Nothing was said about it for the rest of rehearsal luckily. Even AJ backed off. Fatima smiled at me whenever I made eye contact with her. It was a good productive rehearsal. We were done dancing by noon. Fatima came and gave us each a hug. When she reached me she whispered something in my ear that I have kept to myself ever since. I smiled and waved as she left the building.  
  
"Awww, there goes Nicky's girlfriend" J joked. I rolled my eyes.  
  
"Shut up AJ!" I said and pushed him.  
  
"That's enough!" Kevin said.  
  
"God, I don't want to deal with bratty children today. I am too tired." We all were tired. I couldn't wait to get back to the hotel and take a nap. Lou walked back into the studio a few minutes after Fatima left and told us we had a singing rehearsal in about twenty minutes. Groans could be heard across the board.  
  
"Men, this is getting to be old. You do what you are told and that is the end of it. No moans or arguing. Now you have about twenty minutes to eat some lunch. I suggest you get to it!" He clapped his hands and we were off.  
  
The van brought us to a Mac Donald's but we had so little time that we ended up eating in the van on the way to rehearsal. Kevin stared at me the whole time. He always stares at me. It makes me a little uncomfortable to tell you the truth.  
  
"Nick!" Kevin yelling my name again.  
  
"Yeah Kevin what now?"  
  
"Is that all your going to eat?" He pointed to my small fry. I was too tired to eat much more than that.  
  
"Yeah, I'm not really hungry" He shook his head.  
  
"You're gonna get sick"  
  
"No, I'm not. I'm too tired to eat okay?" That seemed to make him sad for some reason. It did the trick though because he shut up.  
  
"Hey Nick, you gonna ask her out?" AJ at it again.  
  
"Shut up"  
  
"Aw, Nicky I think you should go for it"  
  
"Shut up"  
  
"Seriously"  
  
"Shut up"  
  
"Fatima and Nicky sitting in a tree.."  
  
"Shut up"  
  
"K-i-s-s-i-n-g"  
  
"Shut up"  
  
"First comes love"  
  
"Shut up"  
  
"Then comes marriage"  
  
"Shut up" They all say this time  
  
"Then comes Nicky in a baby carriage"  
  
"Shut up" They all shout again.  
  
"And now here comes the eye roll ladies and gentlemen!" I laughed and jokingly rolled my eyes.  
  
By the end of the day, We were all so tired that the ride back from rehearsal was totally quiet. When walking back to the hotel room AJ and I were sharing, I felt the blisters forming on my feet. I plopped down on the bed and AJ plopped right next to me.  
  
"When do you think we will ever get a break?" He asked me his voice muffled by the pillow.  
  
"No clue but I hope it's soon. It can't be this hectic forever right?" He didn't answer.  
  
"Right?" snoring. I closed my eyes and fell asleep. Both of us on the one bed, feet dangling off the end totally clothed.  
  



	4. Peas and Carrots

Fatima. I hope she comes to our party tonight. I know we invited her. I miss seeing her everyday. I don't miss the dancing though. That's for damn sure. A knock on my door pulled me out of my memories long enough to realize I still haven't fully gotten myself dressed. I run over and put on the complimentary robe and make my way over to the door.  
  
"Who is it?" I wish there were peep holes in these doors. I never quite know what to expect on the other side when I stay at hotels.  
  
"Hey, it's me..well actually us. Can we come in please?" I open the door to Brian and his little son.  
  
"Hello, and hello little B man" I say grabbing Bailey's hand and gently tickling his palm. He laughs and I kiss his cheek.  
  
"What's going on?" I ask my band mate.  
  
"Not much, hey can I ask you a big favor?"  
  
"Sure"  
  
"Can you watch Bailey for a little bit? Leighanne said that press people are coming up to interview the two of us and I don't want to subject him to that"  
  
"Wow, I'm impressed. I feel so important. You picked me?" Brian laughed  
  
"Well, actually I asked Kevin and Kristin but they were going out to get outfits for tonight, and AJ and Sarah weren't in. Howie was busy and so was Mike, Jennifer, Katie and.."  
  
"Okay I get it! I'm your last hope" I rolled my eyes at him and grabbed Bailey out of his daddy's arms.  
  
"Thanks Nick. It will only be for 30 minutes at the most. I promise. Here is his diaper bag.."  
  
"Pardon?"  
  
"Diaper bag you know just in case he poops" Brian got a kick out of the expression on my face.  
  
"Don't worry, He just pooped a little while ago. You should be safe." Brian lovingly kissed the top of his son's head.  
  
"I will be right back okay? Uncle Nicky will take care of you. Love you Bailey." He kissed him. I laughed.  
  
"What is so funny? Can't a man bond with his son?"  
  
"Yeah but the fact that you are a dad. It's crazy! I mean it's you. How weird is that?" He laughed at me.  
  
"I know, sometimes I'm scared about that too." He gave his son a final kiss and then winked at me.  
  
The five month old just laid quietly in my arms looking up at me. He so much looked like Brian. this must be exactly how B looked when he was little.  
  
"Hey buddy, no pooping on uncle Nick okay? Save it for your daddy" He smiled. Did he understand me? No way.  
  
We walked over to my bed and I sat down rocking him. I want one of these things one day. Brain a daddy, who would have thought it. Surely not me. When I think of Brian I think of...  
****************************************  
"What are you doing?" I asked him as he came running into the room. Brian just laughed and ducked his head by the door to listen for footsteps.  
  
"Brian"  
  
"Shh" He pulled me down next to him.  
  
"Just wait" He said. Then I heard the shrill scream. I laughed.  
  
"What did you do to Howie?" I asked him. He smiled the most sinister smile I have ever seen. Then Howie banged on our door. Brian ran for his bed and jumped down grabbing a magazine off the nightstand. I opened up the door to find Howie a grown man wearing a pair of antlers on his head. I totally lost it. Brian never looked up.  
  
"What the hell is this?" He asked me pushing me into the room.  
  
"Uh it kind of looks like Rudolph to me" I said. That didn't help.  
  
"Brian?" He innocently looked up from his magazine.  
  
"Yeah D" Howie pointed to his head.  
  
"Oh there nice, I think you should wear them to the show." He looked back down. Brian was a master. I could learn so much from this boy.  
  
"Nick you care to explain?" huh?  
  
"What? Why you are wearing antlers? I wish I knew Howie" I laughed again. I couldn't help it. He looked ridiculous.  
  
"Do you know how much it is gonna hurt to get these stupid things off?" I was confused.  
  
"Why don't you just pull them off?" I asked innocently. I could see Brian smirking from behind his magazine.  
  
"Because Nick they are glued in place! but you knew that didn't you?" I screamed with laughter.  
  
"This isn't funny Nick! I know you are only fifteen but do you think you can be a little mature here?" Oh my God that was the best. Serious..hey wait a minute what did he just say?  
  
"D, I didn't do it"  
  
"Oh sure you didn't. This has your name written all over it!" Then in a moment of sheer blondness, I turned to Brian and asked him.  
  
"Did you write my name on those things?" I saw Brian loose it behind the magazine but he remained calm.  
  
"Brian, did you do this?" He looked up at Howie and with an incredibly straight face just shook his head no.  
  
"I didn't think so, so Nick what are you gonna do about this?" He asked me once again pointing to his antlers. I laughed I tried not to but it was impossible.  
  
"This isn't funny Nick. You have to stop doing crap like this."  
  
"Howie I swear to God that I didn't do it!"  
  
"Well, than who did? Kevin?"  
  
"No, Brian did" I said pointing and laughing at Rok.  
  
"I didn't do anything D. he's trying to lay the blame on somebody" He said without looking up. I turned back to Howie and shrugged.  
  
"I swear it wasn't me Howie, would I do something like that?" He looked at me and stormed out of the room slamming the door.  
  
"Wow he is mad at you" Brian said with a huge grin.  
  
"Why didn't you fess up? I shouldn't take the blame for this" Brian put his magazine down and walked over to me patting me on the back.  
  
"Oh poor young Nick! So naive."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Nick laughing was your big mistake. You needed to feel Howie's pain become one with the anguish" He started doing these mock yoga moves. I cracked up.  
  
"Brian, you are too funny."  
  
"Yeah I know"  
  
He then walked over to my video games and put them on. I sat next to him and watched him play. Brian had this weird hypnotic effect on me. I wanted to always be where he was. I wanted to be just like him. He knew that and took me under his wing. At first, I thought I got on his nerves, some little kid following him around. I know I bothered Howie and Kevin. Wow especially Kevin but with Brian it was different. We was peas and carrots.  
  
"Come here Kaos" He said pulling me right next to him.  
  
"Let's play doubles" I didn't really like playing against him. He was better at everything. I hate losing. Always have and always will.  
  
We sat and played and whenever I made a mistake, instead of mocking me he showed me a way to do it better. That's how our relationship was. He helped me be better.  
  
"So, what on Earth possessed you to glue antlers to Howie's head?" I asked out of sheer curiosity.  
  
"I didn't do it" He said. Then he turned to me and laughed.  
  
"But if I DID do it, it was solely to get us all in the Christmas mood. You know, it is December." I hadn't even realized it was December. This was the longest I have ever been away from home. We had been gone for six weeks straight without so much as a break. My mood suddenly changed. Now I was homesick. Brian looked over at me.  
  
"Hey, what's the matter with you?" I shrugged.  
  
"Okay, what now you're all quiet? What do I have to do? Do I have to glue a red nose on Howie next?" I laughed.  
  
"I miss home" I said not looking at him. I was embarrassed.  
  
"I do too" I felt a little better.  
  
"You know Nick, it's okay to miss home. It's even okay to cry about it"  
  
"Nah, I'm okay" I said.  
  
"No, really I cried just the other night. I was missing my Mom and started to ball like a baby" I looked up at him. He smiled at me.  
  
"You did?"  
  
"Uh huh"  
  
"Are you feeling better now? You want to talk about it?" I asked him. I felt bad that he was crying and I had no idea. We share a room for God sakes!  
  
"No, I'm okay now. I just wanted to say it's okay if you feel blue and need to cry. I won't tell anybody. Even if I did they would be okay with it"  
  
"Thanks" I said. That's when I knew how much Brian meant to me. That quiet little conversation we had. I knew I could go to him with anything.  
  
"Nick Carter let me in this minute!" I looked at Brian with a sheer look of panic. That was Lou. A very mad Lou.  
  
I opened the door and he came storming in. Howie walking behind him.  
  
"What is the meaning of this?" I felt bad for Brian because I knew he was gonna catch total hell for this.  
  
"Well?"  
  
"If you don't need me, I'm gonna go for a walk" Brian said as he walked out of the room leaving me with my jaw dropping to the floor. So much for our moment.  
  
"I didn't do it Lou. I already told Howie that. Brian did it."  
  
"That's awful blaming your best friend for something you did" Howie said behind Lou.  
  
"But..he did. I"  
  
"No Nick, now this is what you are gonna do, you are giving up your per diem to pay for Howie to get these removed. You are also going with him"  
  
"But.."  
  
"No buts son, you have a photo shoot in less than two hours. This better be taken care of by then"  
  
"But Lou I swear that"  
  
"Okay there will be a car out front for the two of you in fifteen minutes. Don't be late!" He screamed and then he walked out of the door. Howie glared at me.  
  
"Howie, I swear on my mother's life that I DID NOT DO this" I grunted.  
  
"Meet me in ten minutes" Then he walked out. I sunk down on my bed.  
  
I wanted to cry but for some reason I ended up laughing instead. Brian came back in as I was getting ready to leave. He smiled at me.  
  
"So, why are you letting me take the blame for this?" I asked him, pretending to be madder than I was.  
  
"Yeah sorry about that but I have an image to uphold." I rolled my eyes.  
  
"So much for being there for me huh?" he pulled me back with a serious expression on his face.  
  
"Nick, I will always be here for you but I don't want to get in trouble. Use your blue eyes and your little smirk to get out of trouble."  
  
"Yeah I don't think that will work this time"  
  
"Okay than I guess I'll owe you one"  
  
"Ah yes you will" I said as I left the room.  
  
"Peas and carrots" I said as I walked down to meet Howie the Red nosed reindeer...  
  
  



	5. Sunshine and Flowers

I sat with Bailey on my lap. Singing him songs. He stared up at me with the greatest smile. He likes me. The kid has taste. His face suddenly went from a pleasant smile to a grimace. Uh oh! I shifted him in my arms and began to pat him on the back. He began to cry. Uh oh! I stood up and started walking him up and down the narrow hall in my room.  
  
"Bailey boy! no crying!" I said as I gently rocked him. He ignored my plea and broke out into full on WAAHS!! Oh no. I started bouncing him as I walked and sang rock a bye baby. that didn't work. I went for one of Brian's favorites O Holy Night. I figured who cares that it is April. That didn't work either. I tried a BSB song. Didn't work. I broke into Nirvana's Smells Like Teen Spirit and he stopped.  
  
"Wow a rocker dude! Can't wait to tell your daddy this!" I laughed. He laughed too. I nuzzled my nose in his belly and he continued to laugh. Yup I gotta get me one of these things.  
  
"So Bailey, did daddy ever tell you about the time that he and I put itching powder in uncle Kevin's underwear?" He laughed.  
  
"Yeah that WAS pretty funny" I put my finger in his hand and he grabbed on.  
  
"I'll have to let you know a lot of my tricks so you can torture your daddy. No telling though. Just between you and me." I kissed him on the cheek. I'm telling you the kid loves me. I put him on the bed and laid down next to him watching his pudgy little legs straighten and bend as he opened and closed his hands.  
  
"Between you and me kiddo, You are a lucky kid. Your dad is gonna be the greatest dad in the world." He dribbled on himself so I gently wiped his face.  
  
"Your Daddy took care of me too you know" I tickled his chin. He scrunched up.  
  
"They all took care of me"..  
*********************************  
"God Howie would you please stop trying to tickle me under my neck. It's creepy man" I said pulling back from him. He pretended to be hurt.  
  
"Sorry dude but seriously, I'm not like three or anything." Howie always went for my neck. just because Brian told him when I am annoying to tickle me.  
  
"Aw but Nicky you are fifteen, still young enough to enjoy a tickle every now and then" I made a face.  
  
"Howie a total pervert could have said something like that!" He seemed disgusted. It did the trick he moved on. Shortly after Howie left, Kevin made an entrance. When he walked into a room it felt like a whirlwind. He was always troubled about something. Today was no different.  
  
"Hey Kevin" I said as he paced right in front of me.  
  
"Hey"  
  
"Is something wrong?" He stopped and looked at me.  
  
"Just stressed" I laughed.  
  
"Why are you laughing?"  
  
"Kevin, no offense but you are ALWAYS stressed!"  
  
"Well, maybe you're right little man but I have to look out for us!"  
  
"What is there to look out for?"  
  
"Stuff"  
  
"Stuff?" I was already bored with the conversation but didn't feel like being rude.  
  
"The party Lou is having for us tonight. I'm just worried about it that's all"  
  
"It's a party dude."  
  
"Oh forget it. You're too young to understand" He then moved on to stress somebody else out. I had forgotten about the party that Lou was throwing for us. It was in our honor for being a total success in Europe.  
  
"Hey kid, have you seen Rok?" AJ asked running into the room. Why does everyone feel the need to run these days?  
  
"Nope"  
  
"Okay well if you do, tell him I'm looking for him then okay?"  
  
"K" I wanted everyone to leave me alone. It wasn't everyday that we had some free time. I wanted to draw. Just me and my sketch pad. The quiet didn't last for long because next in ran Brian.  
  
"Nick, have you seen AJ?"  
  
"Yup"  
  
"Where?"  
  
"In here" Brian looked around the small room.  
  
"Uh he's not here anymore" I rolled my eyes at his stupidity>"Yeah, duh!"  
  
"Well, where is he then?"  
  
"I don't know he said he was looking for you"  
  
"Well, if he comes back in here don't let him leave! I need to talk to him right now!"  
  
"K"  
  
"Nick!" Howie again, wow this was beginning to be a never ending loop.  
  
"Let me guess, are you looking for AJ and Brian?"  
  
"Yeah, have you seen them?"  
  
"Yup"  
  
"Okay where are they?"  
  
"Just wait here for a minute"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Trust me D" Within minutes, AJ came running in.  
  
"Did you see him?"  
  
"Who him?"  
  
"Brian"  
  
"Yeah just wait here"  
  
"Why? oh hey D" Brian came running in. The whole time I was just drawing. Until I heard what came out of Brian's mouth.  
  
"Prostitutes!" I dropped my pencil and looked up in shock. AJ and Howie just laughed. They then looked down at me.  
  
"Why did you just say that?" I asked Brian now my curiosity officially raised.  
  
"Oh no reason kiddo."  
  
"Yeah nice try with that one."  
  
"Okay listen Nick but if we tell you, you absolutely cannot tell Kevin got it?" I nodded.  
  
"Okay" AJ sat down next to me on the floor, talking in a whisper.  
  
"We heard that Lou has hired some prostitutes for tonight's party."  
  
"Why? Are they serving the food or something?" I am such an idiot. I realized how stupid the question was as it was coming out of my mouth, unfortunately I couldn't stop my brain in time. They all cracked up. I mean not laughing. I mean hollering laughter.  
  
"Oh my God Nick you are so funny!" Howie said patting my head.  
  
"Thanks I try" I said rolling my eyes.  
  
"What is so funny in here?" Here comes the party pooper himself. Mr. worry wart.  
  
"Hey Kevin, nothing, Nick just cracked a joke." Brian said through a smile.  
  
"Okay well, I'm glad you guys are all here. We have to talk" He closed the door and sat down on the floor grabbing my sketch pad practically out of my hand and throwing it onto the bed.  
  
"Jesus Kevin do you mind? I was using that!"  
  
"Sorry little man coloring can wait a minute" He made me so mad sometimes. Coloring? I really did think that these guys thought I was a child!  
  
"I don't think we should go to this party tonight" We all groaned.  
  
"Why?" AJ finally asked after we were all done having our hissy fits.  
  
"Just because"  
  
"Oh, well that's a great reason to skip out on OUR party Kevin. Just because?" I laughed.  
  
"Okay, well I've just heard some things about parties like this. You are all a little too young to go" There we go with the we are too young thing.  
  
"Kevin, you are not exactly an old man either!" I said as sarcastically as possible.  
  
"Well, I am old enough to go to this thing. So is Howie. I am going to tell Lou that the three of you will not be attending" He had a finality in his voice that let me know to drop the subject. Brian however didn't have the same intuition.  
  
"Kevin, If we want to go, we WILL go. It is not for you to decide!"  
  
"Brian, I am making a judgment call here"  
  
"Who's to say that your judgment is better than mine or Howie's or AJ's?" excuse me! What about Nick's? hello I understand the point you're trying to make, but I can make my own decisions too. I didn't say it but I sure as hell was thinking it!  
  
"Brian, there are drugs at these parties" He whispered the word drugs. I cracked up again. Kevin provided me with hours of entertainment.  
  
"I'm not gonna take the drugs" Brian mockingly whispered the word as well.  
  
"I trust that none of us would do that!"  
  
"Brian is right Kevin. This is our party. We need to go, even if we only show up for a little while and leave. We won't do anything. I will keep an eye on AJ"  
  
"Hey!" AJ said. I laughed. They trust me. I love it. I'm such an angel.  
  
"Than it's settled we are all going" I said grabbing my sketchpad.  
  
"You're not going!" The three older guys said at the same time. AJ laughed.  
  
"Why the hell not?" I yelled.  
  
"Because it's no place for you to be."  
  
"Uh, it's my party to you know!"  
  
"We'll just say that he is sick" Brian said turning to the rest of the guys.  
  
"Hello! Still in the room here! I am going!"  
  
"Little man, you wouldn't have any fun. It's not going to be the kind of party that you sit and play video games. This is a grown up party"  
  
"Oh my good God, you can't be serious can you? My heavens I thought we were all gonna play pin the tale on the donkey and then the magician would show up! bummer. Okay I won't go then." I rolled my eyes, then continued on  
  
"By the way I was being sarcastic!" There. Now I was done.  
  
"Not gonna work buddy. You are staying right here" I searched my brain for the best teenager angsty thing I could come up. I landed on..  
  
"Whatever!" Eh, not what I was looking for but it worked.  
  
I sat there and 'colored' as Kevin and Lou fought over my illness. Sometimes I wish the walls at a hotel were a little bit thicker.  
  
"But Lou"  
  
"Kevin I am tired of having an argument with you everytime we encounter something new. This is a party. You are supposed to have fun"  
  
"I will but I just think Nick is too young"  
  
"To have fun?"  
  
"You know what I mean."  
  
"Kevin people who are interested in investing in your group, your future, will be there. Nick is one of the main reasons they will be there. He can't just not show up"  
  
"But Lou.."  
  
"We're done son. If Nick's Mom has no problem with it you shouldn't either" Alright way to go Mom!  
  
"If you are so concerned just keep an eye on him. That's all" With that Lou left. I heard Kevin pacing again. He opened the door and I pretended not to hear what had just gone on. He sat next to me.  
  
"Hey buddy. Look, you can come to the party tonight. Nick I want you to stay right next to me. I'm serious now. This isn't a game. there will he things going on that I don't want you to see." I looked over at him and he looked sad. Why would he be sad? This was a happy day.  
  
"Kevin, I know right from wrong. I'll be good. I know this business isn't all sunshine and flowers." He smiled at me.  
  
Later that night we entered this huge hall. I mean huge. Much bigger than any venue we played in. There were people everywhere. As we entered they applauded. We were led to a long table in the front of the room where Lou and many Trans-con people were waiting for us. I felt a little overwhelmed. I actually grabbed for Brian's hand.  
  
"Ladies and gentlemen I would like to introduce my boys. The Backstreet Boys!" Everyone let out a thunderous applause. We all looked at each other feeling odd. So this was fame? Cool!  
  
We sat and ate lot's of food. Many things I stayed away from because they looked scary. I started munching on these really good black things. They were buttery and loaded with garlic. Just like shrimp scampi. For some reason AJ and Brian kept looking over and laughing.  
  
"What is so funny?"  
  
"You are eating snails dumbass!" AJ said. I made a face and immediately let it fall out of my mouth.  
  
"Ew, gross Kaos!" Brian said.  
  
"I think I am going to be sick!" I said running from the table.  
  
I ran to the bathroom and up came the snails. I flushed the toilet but was afraid to leave my stall because I heard two people come in. They locked the door. They were making love on the sink. The moans and groans that were coming out of there were incredible. If it was possible to lose your virginity by listening than I definitely did that day!  
  
They were finally done but not before popping some pills in their mouths. I slowly opened the stall door. There was a dirty condom by the sink. This almost made me go for round two with the vomiting but I decided to just get out of there as quickly as possible. I ran into a woman.  
  
"Sorry"  
  
"Not a problem dear, say you want to go back to your hotel room?"  
  
"Yeah I think I do"  
  
"Okay let's go then" She grabbed my arm. No!  
  
"No! I meant by myself, uh not that you wouldn't be great or anything but"  
  
"Please save it kid" She pushed me aside. I suddenly felt lost. I looked around for the boys but I couldn't find them anywhere. I ventured down the hallway and down the flight of steps. There were people shooting up and drinking heavily. they kept asking me to join them. I just moved on wanting to cry.  
  
"Hey kid, come here" A guy yelled through the crowd gathered around him. I walked over.  
  
"Want a drink boy?"  
  
"No thanks"  
  
"But it's your party" I tried to pull away from him but he had a grip on my arm. He held out this weird drink. He wanted me to take a sip but I wouldn't.  
  
"You are just a little kid huh?" He laughed. This will get you shit faced kid. you'll love it!  
  
"No thanks" I tried to walk away. He kept his arm on me until Kevin showed up. Once the guy saw Kevin he let go.  
  
"Nick there you are. we have been looking for you" He glared at the sketchy guy and his entourage.  
  
"Sorry I got lost. I want to go back to my room" He walked with me back to the main party hall.  
  
"Why? Did something happen?" He asked me grabbing my head and examine my face.  
  
"That guy didn't hurt you did he?" I started to cry. He didn't say anything just hugged me.  
  
"Okay let's go. I'll tell Lou we're leaving" I pulled away from him. I felt like such a baby.  
  
"No Kev, it's okay. Sorry, I just wasn't ready for this" He hugged me.  
  
"For what?"  
  
"This"  
  
"Oh, you were expecting sunshine and flowers weren't ya kiddo?" I nodded.  
  
I pulled myself together and went back into the party. Thanking God for Kevin and the rest of the guys. I knew they would have my back always..


	6. Hurry Up and Wait!

Bailey looked up at me with adoring eyes as I told him about his daddy in his wild, younger days. He fell asleep on my bed. I just sat and stared at him. Nothing intrigued me more than a sleeping child. What kind of dreams could you possibly have at such a young age. How does that work? Does he dream of being hugged by mommy and gently being sung a lullaby from daddy. I try to remember back to those days. I can't.  
  
Brian knocked and I quickly ran over to get the door before he woke his son.  
  
"Hey" I whispered holding my pointer finger to my mouth. I ushered him inside.  
  
"Wow you got him to sleep? I'm impressed." He said walking over and gently hugging his son. He sat next to the baby on the bed and looked up at me in awe.  
  
"I am good with kids Brian. You should know that"  
  
"He's not an easy one to get to sleep you know. He's a hyper kid"  
  
"Yeah, just like his dad"  
  
"Hey!"  
  
"Well it's true" I sat on the floor looking up at Brian. This is what it was always like for me in this group. Looking up at the four of them. Size had nothing to do with it either...  
*********************************************************************************  
"What's troubling you Nick?" Howie asked me the morning after our big party. I wish I knew the answer to that question, but truthfully I wasn't sure what was wrong.  
  
"Nothing"  
  
"You sure?"  
  
"Uh huh" I looked back down at my gameboy. He left me alone.  
  
I guess I was a little freaked out by that guy at the party. I'm not stupid. I am very aware of drugs and how common they are in this business. That was just the first time I ever actually came in such close proximity to them. I felt like I was in one of those classic peer pressure commercials. You know the one's where the kids are all smoking and drinking, egging an innocent kid on to join them.  
  
Come on everybody is doing it! You'll be sooo cool!  
  
That's how I felt. I wanted to scream. This is your brain on drugs blah blah blah. I know that won't be the last time I ever run into that sort of thing either. Now I knew what my probIem was..  
  
I was growing up too fast.  
  
"Nickers" AJ said running in to greet me.  
  
"Nickers?" He smirked at my reaction.  
  
"Yup. gotta a problem with that Nickers?"  
  
"Uh, are you ever gonna call me Nick. You know just Nick"  
  
"Nope"  
  
"Okay just asking" I shook my head in disgust. Nickers! that was ridiculous. Actually I loved it. Nicknames make you cool. At least in my head they did.  
  
"Watcha doin?" He sat on my back and peered over my shoulder.  
  
"Get the hell off me dufus!" I rolled over and down he went. We began to wrestle. Just play wrestling.  
  
I felt an added weight on me. Then the strwberry blond hair in my face made me realize that Brian had decided to join in the fun. The three of us rolled around the carpet like a ball of fools. At least that's what Kevin called us when we accidently ran him over knocking him to the ground.  
  
"Idiots!" He yelped rubbing his now sore head. I just laughed and AJ snorted.  
  
"Sorry cousin" Brian said jumping up from the floor and taking a seat on the bed.  
  
"My freakin gameboy!" I screeched when I saw it lying broken on the floor. I picked it up and flung it across the room.  
  
"Hey! That was totally uncalled for!" Johnny yelled when the game missed him only by inches.  
  
"Oh my gosh I'm sorry Johnny. I didn't see you standing there!" He sneered at me. Picking up my Gameboy and placing it next to my bed. I think that is the only expression that man knows. He should patent it.  
  
"I have to run down your agenda today boys" We gathered around the table.  
  
"First of all, I'm glad you guys had a great time last night. Because it was a special occasion. We let you sleep in. Don't get used to it" We groaned. He laughed.  
  
"Yeah poor you! You realize if you were going to school full time. You would be getting up just as early, so quit your belly aching" He had a point. Couldn't argue with that. Although, I seldom got up for school at four am.  
  
"Okay first off, You have a meet and greet at a mall. I can't pronounce it so I'm not even gonna try"  
  
"What time does that happen?" Kevin asked. Oh my God was he actually taking notes. I peered over at him. Yes! He was actually taking notes. Too funny.  
  
"11am" I looked at my watch. It was 10:15 now. Funny how I wasn't tired until I looked at my watch. When Lou said we could sleep in I figured it was until noon. I had no concept of time anymore.  
  
"After the meet and greet you have a series of radio interviews. That will take us to about 3:15. Than you can break for a really quick lunch" I looked over and laughed at Kevin writing every word.  
  
"Okay at that point we are splitting up. AJ and Brian are heading off for a magazine photo shoot and interview" Haha! Brian has to do another photo shoot!  
  
"With Fritz?" I asked. hoping with all my might that it would be. Johnny just ignored the question.  
  
"Kevin, Howie and Nick will be going to MTV Germany to do a live interview and question and answer session with the fans" I let out a groan. I couldn't help it. I hated those things.  
  
"We will meet back here by 6pm for a quick dinner and outfit change for the concert tonight."  
  
Funny how everything was 'quick' We had to eat quickly, get dressed quickly do this and that quickly. They have a term for it in this business. It's called hurry up and wait. They rush you around and then you end up waiting for hours. Maybe someday someone will figure it out and say, I think we have some time so slow down.  
  
"Than.." Jesus Christ he's not done yet?  
  
"You do a quick meet and greet with some contest winners backstage before boarding the bus back to the hotel. Your wake up call is five am so try to come back here and go to sleep" We all just sat blankly staring at him. All but Kevin who was writing every word.  
  
When Johnny left, the happy atmosphere of the room went downhill. Leaving dread in it's wake. I laid down on the floor using my arms to rest my head. No one said a thing. I think we were all just trying to digest the horrendous schedule ahead of us. They were all that bad. It hadn't gotten any easier like we had hoped it would. Just the contrary was happening. Soon, he would be waking us up at two in the morning and making us work until one in the morning.  
  
Kevin broke the decidedly uneasy silence. "So, did everyone eat breakfast? We have a long day ahead of us!" He directed his gaze on me. I nodded. Kevin was always concerned with my eating habits or lack of. Thing is I just never thought about it. Sometimes I would forget to eat completely. Once I got the shakes because of it and ever since than he has been on my case. Three square meals a day. Yes sir Kevin sir!  
  
In the spare few minutes we had left, I decided to take a super 'quick' nap. Then, it was off to the meet and greet. We were ushered into this huge mall. If I didn't know any better, we could have been back in Orlando. Tons of familiar shops lined up in a row. Only difference is the German speaking people who worked in them. Kids were walking around dressed in their hang out clothes. Talking with friends and sipping on coffee. I felt a pang of jealousy. That was meant to be my life. Hanging out with friends, not a care in the world.  
  
As we approached the center of the mall. The grande court the promoter kept calling it, We saw a huge crowd gathered. Holding posters of us, wearing shirts with our faces on them. Screaming. That part I never understood. Well, I didn't understand why people would want to wear my face on their chests. But the screaming is what totally left me baffled. If you admire someone why scream at them? Makes no sense. Maybe because the horror movies I was forced to watch on late night bus rides always had the person screaming when coming face to face with their worst nightmare.  
  
We were escorted to a table with a Backstreet Boys banner hanging down. Lou always made sure that for things like this, Brian and I never got to sit together. That was probably why I was spared the photo shoot.  
  
"Okay boys big smiles please" Johnny whispered right before our introduction. Than the fun began. We signed for almost 90 minutes. My hand was totally sore. I noticed my writing started out so nice and neat and then by the end of the signing I was lucky to get out a N. It's funny because before the fame. I used to practice my autograph. I never understood how famous people always made their signtures almost unreadable. Now I know believe me! It's because their fingers are so sore they would rather cry than write.  
  
We didn't even have a second to rest before Johnny moved us back out to the awaiting van and onto the radio stations. We sped and Johhny kept furiously glancing down at his watch, We were running late I gathered.  
  
"We should have been there twenty minutes ago! Damn mall security is gonna make us late." We ran into radio station number one just under 1pm. Literally running down the halls. We were ushered into a room where we sat and waited. Kevin was just shaking his head. I of course rolled my eyes.  
  
"I ran so fast I can't catch my damn breath" AJ exclaimed taking deep breaths to catch up with his heart rate.  
  
At 1:13, we were brought into the recording booth to do some promos for the radio station and then we had a five minute interview with the DJ. As we were running out to the van I laughed.  
  
"That was a waste of time" I said.  
  
We entered radio station number two at 1:47 being scolded for being late. Then we got on air at 2pm. After another very quick interview it was time for radio station number three. We ran into traffic which made Johnny use some expletives I have never heard before, followed by a scolding from him when he heard me ask Brian If Johnny made those words up. At 2:35 we ran into the station and flew right to the booth to record some promos. We were in and out of that place so fast I couldn't even tell you what it looked like. It almost felt like a dream. Who knows maybe I fell asleep.  
  
At 2:50 we were on our way to station number four. This is where Johnny had to start cutting out things, you know in order for us to be able to make all the scheduled appearances. So of course the first thing to go is the quick lunch. We arrived at station four at 3:15. Fifteen minutes into our scheduled lunchtime. They ran us in and ran us out by 3:30. My head began to pound by this time. I searched my backpack for aspirin but came up empty handed. Bummer!  
  
3:45 brought us to our final radio interview. We flew in and recorded the same stupid thing, if they would all just share we could have had a lunch break but no we have to mention the station ID numbers. Stupid stupid stupid!  
  
"Okay guys here is the deal, we have another car waiting for you" Johnny said pointing to Brian and AJ,"For your photo shoot" Now looking at us he said, "The three of you can just stay in the car. We are late!"  
  
"Johnny, what about lunch?" Kevin asked. Never looking up from his clipboard he answered.  
  
"Don't worry they will have food in the green room. You can snack on whatever they have there. Same for the two of you. I will try to give you some extra time for a good dinner" We nodded. I closed my eyes to will away the aching in my head. We stopped the van just long enough for Brian and AJ to hop out than it was back on the road for the MTV thing.  
  
I have always had anxiety about being on camera. I know I come off looking like I love it, but I don't. I get very nervous. I start licking my lips just thinking about it. One of my many nervous habits. Howie noticed and was quick to put a reassuring hand on my shoulder. "It'll all be good. You don't have to say anything. Just smile. Kevin and I will handle it" I nodded in agreement. It never worked out that way but it was still nice to know that they were willing to do that for me.  
  
The green room didn't have as much food as I had hoped. We tore down the halls, expecting to have to run right on stage but of course when we got there they made us wait. "What time is it?" Howie asked Kevin who was eating some crackers and grapes. What a weird spread they had for us. Crackers with cheeses, grapes and apples. Then there was a bowl of M&M's. That's what lunch consisted of for me. Crackers and M&M's. "It's 4:20" He said holding a handful of the candies and dropping them into his mouth.  
  
"I think we are probably going on at 4:30" Oh good maybe I had time to go to the bathroom. I had to pee but learned to not think about it. "I'm running to the bathroom" I said only to be stopped by Johnny. "No can do Nick. They will be calling us out there any minute. We can't have you in the bathroom when that happens!" I rolled my eyes. "You can go after the interview" I went and sat on the couch. "Whatever" I fell asleep on the couch. I woke up to Kevin shaking me. "Wake up little man" He said. I noticed that it was 4:45. That would have been more than enough time to pee and eat a decent meal.  
  
We were ushered onto the lighted stage and sat down answering the stupidest questions. No offense to the people in Europe but they ask the dumbest questions I have ever heard. Dumb and mean sometimes. I sat trying my hardest not to speak and making my eyes not roll. They really wanted to though especially when they flat out asked Howie if he was gay! How rude. The torture that was MTV Europe was done at 5:15. We ran and did a few promos for the station including introducing our new video. Than it was off to dinner Hallelujah!  
  
We arrived at our venue, skipping the hotel by 6:30. That gave us appromiximately ten minutes to eat a quick dinner before heading to wordrobe and makeup for the show. I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich washed down with some apple juice. My head hurt so badly I was almost seeing double. "Hey Kevin, do you have any aspirin?" I begged. He looked me over and searched through his bag bringing out a bottle of Tylenol. I almost salivated when I saw it. He opened the bottle and popped two of them into my hand.  
  
"Kevin can I have three or four?"  
  
"No, two should be enough"  
  
"But Kevin my head really hurts"  
  
"Sorry buddy but I don't want you getting sick because I let you overdose on aspirin" Conversation was dropped. I ran to wordrobe and makeup than waited for them to tell us when to take the stage. We finally went out into a blaze of screaming adulation by 7:30  
  
I was ready to pass out by the time we got off the stage at 9 but unfortunatly we had yet another meet and greet for an hour after the show. I felt bad for those fans. We just weren't overly effectionate. Just zombies by that point. My headache had managed to ease a little bit but it was replaced by the feeling of complete exhaustion.  
  
At 11:07 we arrived back at the hotel. The first thing I did was run into the bathroom and finally relieve my bladder. The rest of the guys followed suit. I jumped on my bed completely tired. I threw off my shoes and just left my sweats and tee shirt on. I didn't feel like finding anything to wear to bed. Too much effort. I reached over from the bed and grabbed my gameboy. I tried to put it on but it wouldn't work.  
  
"Damn, fucking shit stupid ass freaking thing!" I cursed at it. Frustration building so much that I wanted to cry.  
  
"Hey! Enough with the potty mouth Kaos!" Kevin yelled.  
  
"Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?" AJ added.  
  
"All I wanted to do was play my game. That's all! I can't even do that!" I cried. God why was I crying again? What the hell is wrong with me? I'm so pathetic. Within a heartbeat of my mini break down all four boys were sitting with me on my bed.  
  
"Nick, it's okay. It will get easier I promise" I didn't get what Kevin was talking about. I was upset because of my Gameboy. At least I thought I was.  
  
"Get some sleep. We have an early wake up call tomorrow" He said to me in a calming brotherly tone. Brian smiled at me and Howie ruffled my hair. AJ rolled his eyes at me.  
  
I needed rest. We all did. I fell asleep that night with tears in my eyes. The first of many tearfilled nights. I dreamt of going to the mall with friends and having lunch with not a care in the world...  
  
  



	7. Coming Undone

Brian and I sat reflecting about the old days. Him on the bed next to his sleeping child and me on the floor looking up at them. This was a week of reflection. Everywhere we went, reporters and the like would bring up old stories about us. Some good, some bad, some funny, some downright embarassing. A subject that kept creeping up was how bad my temper was in the old days. I really wish I had never done half the things I did growing up. Too late to take them back.  
  
"Hey Brian"  
  
"Yup"  
  
"I just wanted to apologize" He looked up at me with a worried expression on his face.  
  
"What for?" He stared at his baby as if I would have done something to him.  
  
"For being a jerk when I was younger" He seemed confused. I had that effect on lot's of people.  
  
"I'm not following you" he still looked puzzled.  
  
"I know. I mean when I was younger, I used to get angry and take it out on you guys"  
  
"Oh, that? Don't be silly. You were a kid. Don't let the reporters get to you like that"  
  
"No really, they were right. I was violent sometimes" He sat up making Bailey stir in his sleep.  
  
"Well, you aren't anymore. Besides you never took your frustration out on me. I was ususally spared" He stood up and cradled Bailey in his arms. I didn't want them to leave. It felt good having Brian to myself again. If even just for a moment.  
  
"I gotta go downstairs and finish getting ready. Thanks a bunch for watching him. I owe you one" I stood up and shook his hand. I wanted to hug him but the baby was in the way.  
  
"You know what? Let's just call it even" He pat me on the back before exiting out the door.  
  
I smiled and nodded my head before making my way back to the bed. I know I probably should have continued to get ready like everyone else was, but I found myself a little blue thinking back on those days. The days that I was so angry at the world. My band brothers where the only things holding me together but yet I kept pushing them away....  
******************************************************************************  
I paced the floor of the rehearsal space trying to calm myself down. Cussing under my breath. I was out of sorts for several reasons. The biggest being my mother cancelling out on a visit yet again. It seemed that whenever she was supposed to make an appearance, something would come up that prevented her from getting here! I was a little sick of it. I threw myself on the floor and started to pound the ground with my fists.  
  
The other guys just looked unsure of what to do. This was the first time that I managed to show a full fledged temper tantrum. I mean, I lost it every know and then but this was a tantrum. I was even surprising myself.  
  
"Kaos, get up off the floor"  
  
"Go to hell Kevin" I yelled at him. He took another step forward. "Come on Nick you are being childish and immature. None of us have our families here and we aren't acting like this"  
  
"Well, I guess that makes you perfect doesn't it?" I said dripping sarcasm. He walked away.  
  
"Nick we need to get back to work here!"  
  
"Go to hell Fatima!" I wanted to take that back. I looked up at her with an apologetic expression on my face. She was angry.  
  
"Sorry" I whispered to her. "I didn't mean to say that to you" I stood up dusting my pants off before resuming the rehearsal.  
  
It was another one of those very long days. Hell days. We woke up at five am and had been running around ever since. The schedule was starting to turn us all into darker halves of ourselves. Even Howie walked around grumpy. It was too much to handle. I was having the hardest time. Well AJ and I. We had to do school work on top of everything else. When the rest of the guys had free time, AJ and I had to hit the books. I called my mom and begged her to let me drop out of school. If I really needed to somewhere along the road, I could always shoot for a high school equivelency diploma. She said absolutely not! At this point I don't see why she disagreed. I was barely passing anything. I just didn't care anymore.  
  
"Watch where the hell you are going!" AJ said when I accidentally stepped on him. Instead of apologizing and moving on, I pushed him and the force of the blow knocked him to the floor.  
  
"Hey what the hell did you do that for asswipe?" I jumped on top of him and started to pummel him in the stomach. The other guys rushed over to me and picked me up off of him. Kevin was holding me from behind. I was kicking at his legs so he would drop me but he only held on tighter.  
  
"Let me go asshole!"  
  
"No! You little shit not until you calm yourself down!" I continued to struggle in his grasp.  
  
Howie and Brian went to AJ's aide and helped him over to the chairs. He passed by me giving me a death glare. "Asshole" He uttered to me under his breath. I tried to break free from Kevin's hold again. I tried something new. "Ow, Kevin you're hurting me"  
  
He let go of me immediatly. I turned and ran for AJ full force knocking him off the chair and onto the ground. Kevin quickly following behind me. He tackled me while I was on top of AJ. I'm sure we looked ridiculous. Of course who comes in at that point?  
  
"Hi gentlem...what the heck is going on?" Lou asked when he saw the triple decker BSB sandwich happening. His voice made us all stop in our tracks and fall to the floor in a neat row. Kevin quickly stood up, excuses brewing in his head i'm sure.  
  
"Uh hi Lou we were wrestling" He smiled. Kevin not Lou.  
  
"Yes, I see that. The question is why would you be doing that? Unless it's part of the dance routine" Nope Lou wasn't amused at all.  
  
"I'll tell you what they were doing" Fatima uh-oh she definetly wasn't going to cover our asses. Not after what I said to her. "They were fighting, and I am not here to play babysitter to these boys. Call me when you grow up!" Her tone was soft but firm. I was hurt.  
  
When Fatima left the room, Lou gathered us all around him. "You mind telling me why the best choreographer in this business just walked out the door?" They all looked at me.  
  
"It was my fault. Sorry" He approached me.  
  
"I figured as much" Ouch that hurt. Why would he figure as much? I rolled my eyes at him.  
  
"Young man, you need to grow up! What happened today will NEVER happen again. Do you understand that? I am deducting Fatima's fee from your per diem" He said pointing at me. I looked down at the floor. "That would be two days worth of spending money for you" I started to grind my teeth to keep from attacking the man.  
  
"Now because Fatima left, I guess you have some free time although you don't really deserve it. I suggest you go back to the bus and take a nap. Think about what just happened here boys. Believe me when I say that this is the last time. I will not be embarassed this way again" He stormed out of the room leaving the five us there to stew in our own frustration.  
  
"Way to go Nick!" AJ said threw clenched teeth. "You have serious issues you know that?" I was just about to go after him again when Kevin's booming voice made me stop.  
  
"HEY! ENOUGH!" We turned to see him standing over us looking even bigger than he already was.  
  
"You need to cool it down now! The both of you. Christ didn't you just hear what Lou said to us? I am not a babysitter either. If I wanted to be a babysitter I would have stayed at Disney World!" He walked out the door. Brian and Howie followed him. Before leaving the room Howie turned to us "If you guys want to kill each other go ahead. We are going back to rest" That being said he walked out.  
  
AJ slowly and quietly got up to leave. "Are you coming?" He asked me. I refused to answer him. "Suit yourself" He said walking out and leaving me in the room alone.  
  
I laid on my back staring up at the tiled ceiling wondering how I could explain to my folks why I wanted to quit. This wasn't fun. Too much work and I was so tired. Mom would understand. Or would she?  
  
She made it clear that with dad being laid off from his job, they depended on this money. The family was counting on me. The main bread winner. So I sucked it up. Put on my poker face and joined the guys in the bus.  
  
They had already dispersed to their bunks which I was quietly thankful for. I didn't feel like apologizing to anyone right now. I knew those would have to come later. I was sorry for beating up AJ. I'm not even sure why I went after him in the first place. He was just there I guess. I went to the back and landed with a thud on the couch.  
  
"Wanna talk about it?" Brian's voice so soft, scared the crap out of me. "No not really" I said hoping he would just go away. He didn't. He pushed my legs aside to make room for himself. I sat up to allow him to sit down next to me.  
  
"Look Nick, I know something is bothering you. Is it just your mom not coming?" I nodded. "Yeah" I don't think he believed me. He was still in interrogation mode.  
  
"Are you sure? Because you were pretty upset earlier today" I shook my head. "No..really?" He looked hurt. I tried to refrain from the wise ass remark but couldn't.  
  
"Does it make you feel better to hurt your friends?" He asked raising his voice. God please go away Brian I am not in the mood for a very special episode moment.  
  
"I'm sorry, I have issues" I thought it would be a nice touch to mimic back the words that AJ spitted out to me in anger. Brian laughed.  
  
"Yeah I guess you do, but what fifteen year old doesn't?" I loved Brian for saying things like that. No matter how outlandish my behavior, he always made me feel like somewhere it was acceptable.  
  
"If you need to talk.."  
  
"I know, I will" He smiled and left for his bunk.  
  
I watched tv for awhile before dosing off on the couch. I awoke to hear Howie and Kevin talking about me in the kitchen area of the bus and tried my hardest to listen in. I muted the television.  
  
"Yeah I know what you mean 'D. This is a horrible schedule for him. He is so angry."  
  
"All the time" Howie added.  
  
"I know. It doesn't help that his good for nothing mother is always a no show. He's only a kid for God sakes!" That hurt. I knew Kevin didn't like my mom. She wasn't wild about him either. I didn't like to hear it. I know to a stranger, it probably looked as if my mom was a pushy bitch. She isn't though. She just wants to help me pursue my dreams. I heard plates rattling and felt my stomach growl. I wondered what time it was. I decided to make my presence known and walked into the kitchen. An immediate silence greeted me. Both men smiled.  
  
"Hey kiddo, did you get any sleep?" I sat down next to Howie.  
  
"No, not really"  
  
"Oh, too bad. You could have really used the shut eye" He gave Howie one of those 'we'll continue talking about this later' glances. Kevin placed a plate of cold pasta in front of me.  
  
"What is this?"  
  
"Food"  
  
"Thanks I didn't realize that. I mean where did it come from?"  
  
"It's my left over's from dinner yesterday" I pushed it away. He put it back in front of me. "Eat it, you need to eat" He would make a great grand mother some day! We played keep away with the pasta until I conceded and began to munch on the noodles. It was pretty good. I picked up the pace. Kevin poured me a glass of Root Beer.  
  
"Thanks"  
  
"Not a problem"  
  
"Guys?"  
  
"Yes" They both said simultaneosly. I looked at them with love. I was so nasty today. Downright rude, yet they remained. "Sorry about today. I don't know what came over me. I really don't" Kevin sat down and joined Howie and I.  
  
"Nick, it's really no big deal. You however can't fly off the handle like that whenever you have a problem. This is our lives" I nodded in agreement. "I think you need to call Fatima and apologize to her and then you owe AJ a big apology as well. He did nothing to you"  
  
I moved the half eaten plate away only to have Kevin push it back in front of me. I gave him a disgusted look. He wiggled his eyebrows and I cracked up. "That's what we like to hear. A happy laughing Nicky. So much better than the angry bitter one" Howie tickled my neck. That still creeped me out. But I laughed just the same.  
  
The noise in the bus brought the other two band members into the kitchen area. "Hey" Brian greeted while in the midst of a yawn. AJ didn't say anything just took a seat on the bench across from us. He didn't look at me and I didn't look at him. Howie gave me a gesture with his head. Motioning towards AJ. He looked ridiculous and I cracked up. This brought AJ's eyes front and center.  
  
"J, can I talk to you for a minute" He shrugged. "I don't know Kaos can you?" God he wasn't gonna make this easy. I got up and motioned for him to join me in the living area. He reluctantly followed.  
  
"I just wanted to say I'm sorry about what happened earlier. I was upset about things and you were there" He picked up his shirt to show me the bruises forming on his stomach. "God, AJ I really am sorry. I swear I am" He pulled me close to him and whapped me on the back. "Yeah bonehead, I know you are" He smiled. I felt relief.  
  
"Oh by the way Nick, the next time you do that, I am hitting back!"  
  
"Okay" I said. Together we walked back to join the others. We had a good rest of the day. We watched a video, popped popcorn and relaxed. It almost felt like a normal day. Almost.  
  
"Hi everybody" Lou and Johnny had entered the bus virtually unnoticed. Howie turned off the tv and we moved to the floor to allow the two burly men to sit down. Lou's gaze landed on me. It wasn't a friendly gaze either. It was a threatening one.  
  
"So I trust that you had time to think about what transpired today?" He asked me. I felt so small. Like a child being scolded in front of the class.  
  
"Yes, sorry Lou. I called Fatima and apologized" He smiled at me. "I know, she called to tell me" He brought out the agenda again. This always made me grimace. I campare it to a child sitting in a doctors office feeling calm until the big needle appears. Then you know it's all uphill from there. I physically tensed up.  
  
I continued to tense as Johnny and Lou took turns running down our endless schedule for the next two weeks. Only one of those days was a free day. Not even entirely free. We had a silly photo shoot in the morning but the rest of the night was ours. I blocked them out after awhile. What was the purpose. If I needed to be somewhere, Kevin would make sure I arrived. It was too stressful to know what was coming up.  
  
"We have to leave in an hour guys so enjoy your last few minutes of free time for the day. Thank Nick for acting like a spoiled brat!" Johnny added as a joke, that no one thought was funny. The anger that had dissapated earlier was now back full force. I wanted to throw something. Anything or anybody.  
  
"Nick"  
  
"WHAT!" I yelled actually scaring myself. They all jumped.  
  
"Relax, I was gonna say put the tv back on, we were getting to the good part of the movie" AJ said positioning himself on the couch between Brian and Howie. I walked out of the room and back to my bunk. I actually sensed them all looking at each other as I left. Now would be the super time to continue that conversation. You know the one where they diss my mother and call me an immature idiot! I screamed into my pillow...


	8. Shmedley the Great and Lost Youth

I felt the goose bumps forming on my skin as I thought back to those days, I was so troubled back then. The smallest thing could set me off, I seemed to have no control over my emotions. I probably drove the guys crazy, I know I drove myself nuts! That's when drawing became more than a hobby for me, it became my escape...  
**************  
I pulled out my sketch pad to continue working on my new little character I had created. I called him Shmedley the great! He was this chubby little action hero with a big bulbous head. His feet were much bigger than the rest of his body and when he walked he often tripped and plummeted to the floor. He wore a ruby red mask that barely concealed anything over the great big rosy cheeks he possessed. His costume was a bright green jumpsuit complete with purple cap. Shmedley was colorblind... I started to laugh  
  
"What is he laughing at?" I heard Howie whisper to AJ. "I haven't got a clue, I think he's lost his mind" J said in that over the top voice of his.  
  
"Hey Nicky, What's so funny?" I ignored him just continuing to draw. I gave Shmedley big black cowboy boots with silver tips on the edges. He loooked so ridiculous I bursted out laughing. I laid my head down on my creation and laughed.  
  
"That kid had done lost his mind!" AJ said over my laughter. He walked over to sit next to me. "Yoohoo, Kaos! What is so damn funny?" I looked up at him with tears in my eyes. I let out a heavy sigh trying to quelch my latest bout of giggles. He laughed despite the serious face he was wearing. He looked down at my drawing, "Who in the holy hell is that supposed to be?" I cracked up again. He looked at me like I was insane.  
  
"SHMEDLEY!" I screamed through hysterical laughter. Howie and AJ both cracked up. AJ still looking perplexed. "Whatever" He said as he walked away. I looked at my drawing one more time closing my eyes and picturing this big guy walking down the street wearing this get up. "He's a chubby gay cowboy!" I squealed.  
  
"Uh, who's a chubby gay cowboy?" Lou said walking in the bus followed closely by Kevin and Brian. I panicked, sticking my foot in my mouth.  
  
"Oh God Lou, I wasn't talking about you" I heard Howie gasp. J chuckled under his breath. I said something stupid again didn't I? I thought to myself while I waited for somebody to say something.  
  
"What? Well, that's not important, anyway...you guys need to be ready in twenty minutes" Lou said walking towards me. "You young man should work on your manners" He glared, "Twenty minutes in the lobby" Then in a huff he was gone.  
  
"Oh way to go dumbass! It wasn't you Lou!" AJ said in a complete mocking fashion. I rolled my eyes at him. "Well I wasn't talking about him" Kevin and Brian now had joined Howie in the 'that boy is so unusual' staring department. I put my sketchpad off to the side and ran into my bunk to get ready. I stopped in my tracks and walked backwards back to where Kevin was standing.  
  
"Kev?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"What are we getting ready for?" He answered me without even looking up from his book. "Photoshoot" I walked back to my bunk and grabbed jeans and a sweatshirt. If it was a photoshoot, they would dress me up in whatever they felt like.  
  
As we were leaving the bus for the hotel lobby, I decided to grab my sketch pad. I knew I would be bored to tears. Lou was waiting for us with a disgusted look on his face. He always seemed like he didn't want to have anything to do with us. Like he had somewhere better to be. He painted on a fake smile.  
  
"Hi boys, are we all ready?" We nodded. Together we followed Lou into the rented minivan. He briefed us on the shoot but I wasn't listening. Too busy trying to figure out a cape color for Shmedley. He wore purple and green, what would go best with that?  
  
"Nick? What do you think?" I peeled my eyes away from the road and gave Lou my honest opinion, "Blue, maybe gray"  
  
"Blue, maybe gray what?" He asked me losing patience. I looked at my band brothers and they all wore smiles.  
  
"Uh, sorry...what was the question?"  
  
"Pay attention Nick! You have to focus!" He yelled. I think he ws still upset about the gay cowboy remark. I wanted to reassure him once again that I wasn't talking about him, but instead I chose to keep my big mouth shut.  
  
"Sorry" I said looking down at the floor. I started to fidget. When I felt uneasy or upset I found I had several things I did, one of them was fidget. As if moving around would make things easier for me to deal with. The next nervous habit to show it's ugly face was licking my lips. This drove everyone crazy. I couldn't help it. Lou reached over and hit my legs.  
  
"Stop it!" He growled. I froze. Kevin grabbed Lou's arm, that surprised me. "No need to hit the boy Lou, he'll stop" I smiled at Kevin but he gave me a stern look in return. I turned my attention back to the window. I was always getting this man mad. It wasn't always like that, there was a time when he laughed at things I did. I feel like the puppy who has grown into a big ugly dog that's not fun anymore.  
  
We arrived at the photoshoot to see guess who? Yes the one and only Fritz Afforblat. I smiled, there was something about him that cracked me up. He didn't make me wear an angel get up this time but insisted that we do a few pictures with the guys holding me up in the air. I reluctantly agreed.  
  
It actually turned out to be fun. Kevin was the only one taking it seriously, the other's just tried to make me fall on my head. Howie kept tickling my neck! I laughed, almost falling to the floor!  
  
"I like the way you laugh little boy!" He said in his broken english. At the end of the shoot, Kevin picked me up and dangled me upside down, "Okay Nick before I let you go, promise me that you will focus for the rest of the day" I was laughing like crazy, "Kevin, I always pay attention!"  
  
"Yeah sure you do" He began swaying me back and forth. "Promise" I felt my shirt falling down by my chin exposing my stomach. Brian took advantage of that and started to tickle me. I struggled a little too hard and actually did break free falling on my head. I hit with a loud thud. "Oh my gosh, are you alright?" Brian asked me falling to the floor next to me. I sat up shaking it off. "Nick, are you okay buddy?" Kevin asked a second later. I just looked at them both and started laughing.  
  
"You know Shmedley would have never let you get away with that!" I said getting up off of the floor.  
  
"Nick, sometimes you make absolutely no sense" Kev said leaving once assured that my head was still firmly planted on my shoulders. Brian laughed at me. "Nick..oh never mind. I don't think I want to know" He stood up patting my shoulder as he walked away. I made my way over to the bagel tray and this time made sure I got one before we left.  
  
"Nikolas, can I speak to you for a minute?" Lou asked me before I had a chance to run away. I nodded as he motioned for me to join him in Fritz's office.  
  
"Nick, I was wondering if you'd be interested in doing something for me" I took a bite of my bagel. I little too big of a bite and had accidently stuffed my mouth. He sat there patiently waiting for a reply. All I could do was hold my hand up with the 'give me a sec' sign, chewing ferociously trying to clear my mouth.  
  
"Sure, what do you need?" I asked him finally able to talk. Now I wish I had a drink. Lou's face became serious for a minute. I suddenly wished the other guys were in here with me. "I need a favor from you. It's top secret." Okay, this was getting a little bizarre.  
  
"What is it Lou?"  
  
"Fritz has a request"  
  
"Uh huh?"  
  
"He would like you to pose for a picture"  
  
"Okay, with the guys?"  
  
"No, just you"  
  
"Now?"  
  
"No, in two days, it's for a seperate shoot. It is not associated with the boys." I took another bite of my bagel. This time it was a stalling bite.  
  
"What is it for then?" I asked Lou now just curious.  
  
"For his private portfolio"  
  
"His what now?"  
  
"His portfolio, He asked if he could do some shots of you because you are young. He is missing that from his porfolio. He wants to capture an innocent youth"  
  
"This is legitimate right? Nothing creepy about it?" Lou laughed. "Gosh Nick, aren't you a little too young to be cynical? No Nick, there is nothing creepy about it. I owe him a favor and I thought maybe you wouldn't mind that's all" I just nodded in agreement.  
  
"Great Nick! thanks so much I'll tell Fritz the good news." We walked out of the office only to run into Fritz and his assistant. "Hey Fritz good news, Nicky says he will do the shoot for you!" Fritz looked pleased and shook my hand. I had cream cheese on it, he pulled away a little grossed out. I nervously laughed. "Sorry" I said wiping my hand on my jeans. He just stared at me and smiled.  
  
Lou stayed behind to talk to Fritz as I ventured back into the minivan. The boys all looked annoyed. "What took you so long?" Kevin asked. I could tell he wanted to drop me on my head again. "Sorry, just business things" Howie laughed. "You and business don't go well together" I then sat upright in a bolt of panic when I realized I almost left my sketchpad behind. I went running back into the studio looking for it. I grabbed it off of the floor and was just about to leave when hearing my name made me freeze in my steps.  
  
"You will make sure he is home by midnight at the latest? We have a busy schedule tomorrow"  
  
"Yes, The little boy will be home by midnight"  
  
"Good. Fritz, keep an eye on him."  
  
"Your boy will be a very popular appetizer. Don't worry I will watch him."  
  
"Good because the last thing I need is for his mother to find out and then ALL hell will break lose" I was trying to figure out why my mother would cause hell when they walked out seeing me standing there. Lou looked panicked and Fritz let out a nervous laugh.  
  
"Come on son, let's get back to the car. There's been a slight change of plans, you are having that photoshoot tonight." I rolled my eyes. I was looking forward to just resting tonight. Playing video games and watching stupid movies with the guys.  
  
"Lou, I don't think I want to do this anymore" I said licking my lips. He turned around and gave me a look. "Nick, it's too late to back out now, I have given my word already and my word is my bond" I fidgeted as we continued to walk out to the car.  
  
"Maybe you could ask Howie to do this, He's short. He could easily pass for a kid" What am I doing? Offering up my band mate to save my own butt? How horrible was I? "Or maybe even AJ, he's young" Apparently very horrible.  
  
"Nick this is what I have been talking about. You need to be a little more professional. Backing out of something as soon as you say yes, makes me look bad, makes you look bad and the boys look bad. Just go do the shoot. It shouldn't take too long"  
  
So I agreed...  
  
That night I was driven back to the studio under the top secret guise of calling my mother. I was left there. Nobody even taking me inside. The studio was completely transformed into a swanky, club like atmosphere. There was a sweet smell in the air and smoke hung right at my eye level. Men and women lined the walls casually talking and sipping on drinks. I felt out of place. Then I saw Fritz, he waltzed over to me  
  
"There's my little boy" He stood on a chair and clapped trying to get everyone's attention. "Hello everybody, attention please!" they finally all quieted down. "I would like to get started shortly, I wanted to introduce you to this cute little boy. He will be portraying lost innocence. Everybody this is.." He looked over at me with eyebrows raised waiting for me to fill in my name.  
  
"Nick"  
  
"Ah, okay this is Nick" In unison the crowd all said "Hello Nick!" I laughed. I felt like I was at an AA meeting or something. Didn't they always begin every meeting with that?  
I didn't have time to answer my own question when I noticed everyone disrobing. I mean totally getting bare ass naked. I didn't know what to do. I started turning around and closing my eyes..."Oh Geez, um..um.." I said as everyone completely stripped. There were naked men and women everywhere. I felt someone grab my hand. I screamed.  
  
"No need to be scared little boy! Open your eyes" I peered through my fingers to see a beautiful brunette woman standing next to me holding my hand. I took my hands away from my face and stared at her. I mean STARED at her! She laughed while moving me to the middle of the picture. There was one lonely stool there. She had me sit. She began to massage my neck, "Relax baby" she whispered in my ear giving me goosebumps. All the naked people came and sat around me. My face was flushed with embarassment. I almost wanted to cry. A naked man grabbed one of my legs in his arms for a pose. I struggled wanting him to get off of me.  
  
"No no no Nicky, let him touch you. He is only posing, he wants to recapture his youth. See you are youth!" I felt like hyperventilating. I was that nervous. The brunette continued to rub my back and massage my shoulders trying to help me calm down.  
  
"Okay you there!" He pointed to a stunning red head off to my left. "You bite him!"  
  
"Excuse Me?" I said tensing up, the stupid naked man on the floor refusing to let go of my leg, kept me from running. "Don't worry little boy she is taking a bite out of youth!"  
  
"Yeah well youth wants her to keep her teeth to herself! They all laughed. She came and bit my shoulder. Not really biting just play biting. Then a man moved in behind me, taking the brunette's place and started to remove my shirt. That's when I had enough, I kicked the guy holding my leg off of me and pushed all the naked people away and bolted out of the room. Fritz called after me but I was not going to answer him. I crawled under a table. Already disappointed in myself.  
  
"Hey" I jumped. The brunette managed to crawl under there with me "My name's Sheila"  
  
"Hi, I'm youth" I said holding my knees in my arms and rocking. She moved behind me and began to message my neck. I continued to rock. She started to kiss my neck and I still rocked. When she had me on the floor lying on top of me, I looked off to the side, thinking about Shmedley. Yup if he were here, he would've never let this happen to me. Maybe I'll make his cape bright yellow. Nothing on him is yellow yet. Yellow it is...


	9. Light and Dark

I stood with my back against the wall and had the sudden urge to curl myself up in a protective ball on the floor. The same pose I had struck so often back in those early days. The stance of a small frightened boy engulfed in a world where everyone surrounding you, refused to let you just BE that boy. Most people when they look back on their childhood searching for that one memory that changed them from innocent child to young man or woman, found faint pictures of a shy little kiss that escalated to so much more, or perhaps a late night interlude with nothing but friends, illegally bought beer and taking turns watching friends turn green from inhaling too much menthol from cigarettes.  
  
My memory of the last day of being a child was laced with vivid images of a brunette named Sheila mounting me and doing things to me that I had only heard AJ brag about before. Trying to will myself away from her and back to my home in Florida where I was safe. Sheila pressing against me her weight far to much for my skinny fifteen year old frame to handle. Feeling suffocated and embarrassed while at the same time tingly and excited.  
  
Innocence lost to a super model in some no-name town in Germany. People watching and laughing in amusement while she seduced the little boy. Some of the people looked disgusted, most enjoyed what they saw. Meanwhile the sweet smell of smoke hung in the air. When she was done with me, I didn't kiss her, she didn't hug me we just laid there, under the table. I was the one who broke the silence by asking her if I could go home now.  
  
We never did finish that photoshoot. Fritz pulled me aside and begged me not to tell anyone about what had happened. He was afraid he would be arrested. We made up a lie about the shoot, saying something about faulty lighting or a broken lens or something. I was sworn to secrecy, I kept my word. I never did tell a soul about that night. I think I had blocked it out until now.  
  
Press would ask me about when I lost my virginity and I said when I was seventeen to a Swedish girl, maybe at the time I believed it. It's funny because any other fifteen year old would have been bragging for years to come. Legend among his classmates for scoring with a model almost double his age. I wasn't a normal child though.  
  
The memories that should have been held dear where no more than painful instances, in this case it was a tear filled ride back to the hotel. I had to get all my emotions out on that trek, because when I got back, there would be questions to answer. I had to act like it was a typical, normal day. Brian would be asleep at least. It was late.  
  
I walked into the hotel room and found not only Brian but also Kevin and Howie sitting there on my bed waiting for me. They didn't look very amused...  
~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
"Just where in the holy hell have you been?" Kevin asked me through clenched teeth. He looked very angry. I didn't much feel like dealing with it right now. I waved my hands trying to ward off the questions, when was I gonna learn that when it came to Kevin, that NEVER worked. I walked towards the bathroom and he followed me right inside.  
  
"Um..Kevin..do you mind?" He closed the door behind him leaving the two of us standing there in the bathroom looking at each other. I kept looking away from him but when he didn't disappear, I continued with my routine. I grabbed my toothbrush and scrubbed, occasionally looking into the mirror to see the big intimidating man staring back at me.  
  
"Well?" He finally said after I rinsed and spat out any left over paste. If I wasn't so emotionally drained I would have laughed at the ridiculousness of the situation. Kevin always the drama queen just standing there expecting an explanation. Like I really had to answer to him. It was a double standard if you ask me. He always mumbled under his breath about NOT wanting to be my baby-sitter only to act like one every opportunity he got.  
  
All I wanted to do was jump in a nice hot shower and wash the horrible night away. I was getting angry, "Kevin if you don't mind. I'm really tired, it's late and I want to jump in the shower before going to bed" He glanced at his watch "It's almost 2am. Too late for you to shower tonight. Why were you out so late anyway? Do the words midnight curfew ring a bell?" I sat on the rim of the tub rubbing my temples as he lectured me.  
  
"You know Nick, we have some rules. You always have to tell somebody where you are going. You are just a child and Lord only knows what could have happened to you out there" I rolled my eyes at him. "And another thing, the attitude is getting old! We were concerned. You should be grateful!" I'm not sure why that set me off but it did. Maybe it was the 'only a child' remark who knows but I snapped. I charged at him with all my might knocking him into the bathroom door. He groaned as his back hit the wood.  
  
The concerned voices of the rest of the boys echoed in the back of my mind as I continued to hit Kevin with all the strength I could muster. He grabbed me in a head lock and unlatched the door dragging me to the floor. The guys moved around us as Kevin, pinning me to the ground was yelling to Howie to hold my legs. I continued to struggle kicking at Howie or anyone else in my path. Kevin remained surprisingly calm. He had a firm hold on me and told me he wouldn't ease up until I calmed down.  
  
"Go to hell, you son of a bitch!" I screamed as I struggled with him before just breaking down into sobs. Once I started crying Howie let go of my legs and the head lock Kevin had me in quickly turned into a hug. "All I want to do is take a lousy shower and go to bed okay? Why can't I just do that without all the questions?" I pleaded through my hyperventilating breaths. I heard Howie whisper "Should we call somebody for him?" Brian only shook his head no and sat next to me on the floor and rubbed my back.  
  
When I calmed myself down a bit, I slowly sat up coming out of Kevin's embrace. He had a bloody nose and a bruised eye. He stopped me before I had a chance to apologize, "Don't. It's okay..are you feeling better?" I nodded. He smiled but he looked scared. Brian also looked uneasy.  
  
"You want to talk about it Kaos?" He asked me through red eyes. Had I hit him too? I couldn't even recall. "No, I'm okay" I stood up and smiled at my band mates. They didn't know what to do. I had silenced them all, a triumph that should be proudly displayed. "I think I'm gonna go take that shower now" I said as I walked back into the bathroom leaving my speechless band brothers confused and anxious.  
  
By the time I had gotten out of the shower, I had coaxed myself into feeling better. I even came out humming. Kevin and Howie had gone back to their room leaving Brian and I alone. I was hoping Brian would be asleep but I guess I knew he wouldn't be. I smiled at him as I jumped on the my bed pulling the covers over my head.  
  
"So.." I resurfaced from the abyss of warmth when he said that. "What was that all about?" I sat up, "Brian would you believe me if I said I had NO idea?" He laughed.  
"Something must have happened Nick, why were you out so late and don't say you were calling your family. I didn't believe it then I won't believe it now"  
  
"Brian, I don't want to talk about it! Okay?" I pleaded with him and although I could tell that he wanted to keep pursuing the topic, thankfully it was dropped for the night.  
  
The next morning it was as if nothing happened at all. Well that is if you could ignore the huge black eye that Kevin wore. It was sick but I was actually proud of that eye. I did that to a full grown man! Way to go Nick! We were back on the bus for the next few days doing a mini tour. I took a seat at the table and continued work on Shmedley. AJ came and sat next to me, "So, I hear I missed all the fun last night huh?" I smirked.  
  
"Oh, it's that stupid thing again! what the hell did you call it?" I elbowed him. "The name's Shmedley the Great!" He laughed, "Great name. You are an odd one you know that Kaos my man? Definitely an odd one" Kevin took a place across from me so I had no choice but to face what I had done to him. I looked over at him and mouthed the word sorry. He just nodded. Not one more word was said of it.  
  
They pretty much left me alone for the entire bus ride. Afraid that I would have another explosion. My drawing was coming along great but I decided to make some changes, I decided to get rid of the colors and make him black and white. He looked more menacing that way. The cape was replaced with a side kick. A lovely young woman who had the eyes of heaven but the soul of the devil. I called her Sheila...  
  



	10. American Idol

I had no idea why I let these memories show their ugly heads. I should remember the good things. When I tried to grasp for those, they were hard to come by that's when the tears came. They were hard to come by because they barely existed. Not in those days anyway, I wonder why my mind fixated on Germany in 1995. There were so many other focal points I could have reminisced about, why then? I wiped my tears away as a knock on the door was heard. I stood up from my position on the floor pasting on my smile. Taking a deep breath I asked who it was.  
  
"It's your momma" AJ said in his best ghetto voice. I laughed and opened the door. He was dressed to the nines. He wore a gray suit with matching hat. "Very spiffy" I said as he entered.  
  
"Why aren't you dressed yet?" He asked me when he noticed my sweats and tee shirt. I looked down at myself wondering why I was so slow moving.  
  
"I was having a moment" J laughed, "Well I didn't mean to interrupt. Do you need to go wash your hands or something?" I play slapped him on the back of the head.  
  
"I heard that Rok let you watch the baby BSB" I nodded. "I'm surprised. He said that Bailey seemed undamaged" I rolled my eyes. "Is there something you need? Or did you just feel the need to come and annoy me?" He grabbed my cheeks, "Oh I'm just here because you are my sexy sexy man!" and then he kissed me on the lips.  
  
"EW! Yuck! Get off me you freakazoid" He let go and plopped down on my bed. I followed after him, "Gee, make yourself comfortable Bone" He laid down and flipped on the TV. "Thanks Kaos my young man don't mind if I do" I stood in front of the screen blocking his view. "You know you make a better door than a window" I laughed and shook my head. "Doesn't your wife want you with her?" He smirked, "Aw she has about ten people in there working on her hair. Ten people! That's insane"  
  
"And?.." He still continued to try to flip the channels even though I was standing in his way. "And, I couldn't take the smell of hairspray anymore." I still just stood there staring at this doofus lying on my bed. The doofus but also my idol. I used to idolize this guy.  
  
"What are you smirking about Nick?" I laughed, "Just thinking about the days when I used to idolize you" He sat up looking dejected. "What do you mean USED to? You still idolize me kid, just admit it!" I rolled my eyes at him again. He sat up and patted the bed next to him, I moved. I just assumed we were going to have a moment but then he laughed and laid back down. "HA! Got you to move, now I can watch TV!"  
  
I pushed him over and laid next to him on my big bed as he restlessly flipped through the channels. He looked over at me and chuckled. "You really did worship the ground I walked on didn't you?"  
  
"Uh..no I didn't"  
  
"Yeah you did, you just said so yourself"  
  
"Okay okay I DID. When I was younger and didn't know any better."  
  
"And now?.."  
  
"Now I know better" He pretended to cry. "I am so hurt. Kaos doesn't love me anymore. I am so beside myself with grief" He paused for a minute, "Hey Nick would you do me a favor and grab me that book over there?" I should have seen it coming but it was a force of habit. I bent down to pick up a book that wasn't even there and with one swift kick he knocked me to the floor, he died laughing.  
  
"I can't believe you still fell for that! Oh my God that's too funny"  
  
"Shut up"  
  
"You actually fell for that again"  
  
"Shut up"  
  
"I mean..this isn't even my room"  
  
"Shut up"  
  
"There's no book even on the floor"  
  
"Shut up"  
~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*  
"And you still bent over to pick it up"  
  
"Shut up!"  
  
"I mean how stupid are you?"  
  
"Shut up! God Kevin do I have to room with this loser? I will pay you to take me with you!" Kevin looked over at me and smiled. I knew this was payback from hitting him the other day. Howie, Kevin and Brian were going out clubbing leaving me with this dork! I knew he was gonna try to make my life a living hell and to be honest I wasn't in the mood. AJ sat there still laughing and pointing at me. I rolled my eyes at him and went to find Brian. Maybe I could persuade Bri to stay with us. I hated when they left without me. Usually they took AJ but because of AJ's recent Pub incident, Lou said he had to stay behind.  
  
I found Brian gargling in the bathroom. I scared him making him spit all over himself. He didn't look amused. "Brian, please stay!" He was wiping his mouth on a towel, "You just spooked me and yet you ask me to stay? No way Jose" He pushed past me and into the main living area.  
  
"Aw come on Brian, AJ will be so mean to me all night. He's gonna make my life miserable" Brian ignored me and went over to Howie and talked to him. I stood there sticking my tongue out at AJ. He returned the favor.  
  
"Uh..Kaos you make a better door than a window" I was confused. I looked behind me and back to J, "Huh?"  
  
"God you are such a dumbass! That means move, you're blocking the TV!" I pointed to AJ and yelled "You see? He is already calling me names. Kevin come on! Please don't go out!" Kevin just looked amused. "Guys, please? Come on!" They all put their jackets on. "Have fun boys!" Howie said and winked at us. "Don't stay up too late and order a pizza for dinner or something" They left but Kevin quickly backtracked his steps, "AJ, please stay out of trouble okay?"  
  
"Yes sir!" He said, his gaze never leaving the television, "Keep an eye on Kaos" I rolled my eyes at Kevin and he laughed. "Oh you're a real comedian!" I screamed down the hall to all three laughing Backstreet Boys.  
  
I closed the door feeling defeated and quickly walked over to the desk and started to draw in my sketchpad. "Am I that bad?" I looked up at AJ and he legitimately seemed hurt. Now I felt bad. "No..I just wanted to be by myself" I huffed before returning to my drawing. "You know you hate being alone."  
  
"I know"  
  
"Then why so desperate to be by yourself?"  
  
"I don't know"  
  
"Well just pretend I'm not in the room"  
  
"I'm trying to do that now"  
  
"So stop talking to yourself then" He smiled at me and raised his eyebrows, "You know, I don't want to be here either, I would've liked to go partying. But no, I get stuck baby-sitting" I turned my head around giving him a death glare. "I am not a baby and I don't need a sitter! You are here because you got shit faced the other night. Maybe I am baby-sitting you!"  
  
"Yeah, that's it Kaos, you're baby-sitting me!" He rolled his eyes. I returned to my drawing, I had all but given up on Shmedley. He wasn't a good character menacing. He didn't have the same effect. I chose instead to try my hand at making AJ. I turned his way slightly so he wouldn't feel me staring at him. There he was lying on my bed flipping through channels occasionally letting out a sigh. I started to draw him as a caricature. I gave him a really big head and no hair. I made him wearing butterfly earrings and holding a purse instead of a remote. I wrote the words Mrs. Doubtfire underneath him and busted out laughing. He looked over at me curious.  
  
"What's so funny now idiot?" I shrugged. He came over and I quickly closed my pad. "Whatcha got in there that's so hysterical?" He tried to grab it away but I wouldn't budge. He began tickling my neck. Damn it Howie for telling the world I am ticklish. I dropped the pad and he ran to the other side of the room with it. He looked at the picture and gave me a nasty look. I thought for sure he was gonna charge at me, I was ready but he didn't. He sat down and started to go through my drawings. I walked over a little surprised. I thought it was some kind of trick.  
  
When I reached the chair he sat in, he looked up at me, "Hey you know what Kaos? These are really good!" I sat down across from him, "Really? you really think so?" He looked up and nodded. I felt pride. Wow I was getting a compliment for something I did, not something somebody else made me do. Those drawings were me and he was complimenting them.  
  
"Thanks AJ" I said and smiled. "Wow man, I never knew you could draw like this and...woah dude! who is this hot chick?" I pulled it away from him, "It's nobody" He held his head at a slant and closed one eye in a 'sure it's not pose'. I Looked down and saw Sheila staring back at me. He sat back in his chair waiting for an explanation.  
  
"I made her up J"  
  
"Well she looks really real to me"  
  
"She's not"  
  
"You sure? I mean if you have a crush on her or something that's okay" I rolled my eyes at him.  
  
"She's hot! Has our little Kaos officially gone through puberty? You must have, to make her that buxom!" He then thankfully noticed Shmedley standing next to her, "Woah check out this guy, He looks a little different from the uh..what was his name?"  
  
"Shmedley"  
  
"Okay he looks different from the Shmedley of before. This one looks down right angry and serious. The look doesn't work on this guy" He then flipped to an earlier picture of my creation, "Now this works, the silly colors, the dopey face, why did you make him change?" I shrugged at him taking my sketchpad away from him and moving it to the floor. "Things change, sometimes, people change"  
  
"Is something wrong?" Wow he caught me by surprise. I could be crying on his shoulder about something and he still wouldn't ask me that question.  
  
"No, why do you ask?"  
  
"You seem off a bit. I can't put my finger on it. You know beating the crap out of people bigger and stronger than you, flying off the handle about stupid things..different"  
  
"No, I'm fine"  
  
"You sure?"  
  
"Uh huh"  
  
"Okay then" He went back to his position on the bed. I followed him lying down right next to him, "You know kid, there ARE two beds" I just stared at him smiling. He flipped and we watched. I don't think he stayed on a single channel for more than a couple of minutes at a time. He kept looking down at me and everytime he did I stuck my tongue out at him.  
  
"Oh very mature Kaos!" I had the sudden urge to start jumping on the bed, I have no idea why but I did. I stood up and began to leap from bed to bed. My goal? To get AJ to fall. He looked at me and grabbed at my ankles everytime I jumped close to him. I took that as an opportunity to jump even higher to try to avoid his swiping arm. That's when it happened. I jumped on to the other bed, which was mine, and went right through it.  
  
Luckily I didn't hurt myself but I broke the bed, an expensive hotel bed to boot. AJ jumped off his bed and came over to inspect the damage. He had a huge smile on his face. I however was close to tears.  
  
"Way to go dumbass! That's what you get for jumping on the furniture. I got on my hands and knees and inspected the damage underneath. I had managed to bend the frame and the box spring was completely ruined.  
  
"Oh my God Oh my God Oh my God! What are we gonna do?" I asked AJ, by now he was back on his bed flipping through channels again. "AJ! What are we gonna do?" He ignored me so I went over and stood in front of the TV.  
  
"Uh, like I said before Nickers, you make a better door than a window"  
  
"AJ, what are we gonna do?"  
  
"What do you mean we? I was minding my own business"  
  
"AJ p-lease?" I was desperate. Then his mood changed and he spoke with a soft tone gently patting the bed next to him.  
  
"Come here kiddo" I walked over and sat next to him. He laid back down, "HA! only kidding just got you to move out of the way!" I punched him with all my might in the stomach. I really didn't mean to but I lost my temper. He grunted and pulled himself into a ball.  
  
"Oh my God I'm so sorry AJ"  
  
"Shut the fuck up and get out of my sight before I kill you. Then you wonder why none of us want to be around you!" He screamed at me. I ran into the bathroom and locked the door. I sat on the floor rocking back and forth resting my head on my knees. I cried hysterically.  
  
About an hour later a gentle knock on the door made me pull my head away from my knees. I had long stopped crying but was still taking gasping breaths. My head hurt.  
"Kaos? Come on out of there okay?" AJ pleaded, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say that to you" I stood up and opened the door. He was sitting on the opposite side the door. I came out and bent down next to him.  
  
"AJ I'm r-really s-s-sorry" He looked at me taken back by how upset I truly was. "Geez man, it's okay. It's okay, you didn't really hurt me that bad. Relax. Breath" I was so embarrassed that I allowed myself to get like this. I have been too emotional. People will begin to think that I am special or something.  
  
"I didn't m-mean t-t-to punch you like that. I don't know what came over me"  
  
"It's really no problem. I didn't mean what I said to you either." I was still taking deep breaths hiccuping through my emotions. "We don't hate you and don't mind being around you, most of the time anyway" I tried to smile. It didn't really work. I was still miserable. "W-what do you think Lou is going to do about the bed?" That's what I was really upset over. I knew he was gonna be extremely mad at me. Maybe even kick me out of the group, or worse yet, send me out on another mission.  
  
"God Nick, you have to calm yourself down, you're shaking like a leaf" I didn't notice it before, but he was right. I was totally shaking. "Everything will work out. Lou will probably be upset, but you know, he'll get over it" He stood up and gave me his hand, I grabbed it and he yanked me up. We walked over to the bed to survey the damage, "Kaos, you are gonna catch hell for this man, I'm sorry"  
  
"He's gonna fire me" I said dejected.  
  
"Aw, no he's not, he wouldn't never do that! He'll just yell and possibly deduct it from your per diem. That's all"  
  
"AJ...If he sends me somewhere would you come with me?" He looked over at me and immediately a deep sadness overwhelmed his features. It's like he figured it out without me having to say anything at all.  
  
"Sure thing, of course I will" Was all he said, "You know, we can share this bed tonight if you want, otherwise it's the floor for you young man!" I laughed.  
  
That night we slept side by side together on the bed, that's also the night when I figured out that he got me better than anyone else, even though he was a dork!  
  
The next morning while Lou screamed about the extremely hefty bill coming from our room, I through clenched fists just listened to him ramble. He was telling me how he was gonna call my family and make them pay for it and so on and so on. I tried my best to block him out. It didn't work. I felt my anger swelling as my body began to shake.  
  
"Lou, it was me not Nicky" What did AJ just say? Did I hear right?  
  
Lou turned his attention away from me and glared at AJ. "Why the hell were you letting me yell at the kid for then?"  
  
"I just didn't want to admit it Lou. Sorry" Then he looked over at me, "Sorry Nick! I should have said something sooner" I didn't know what to say, Lou continued to yell at J while I just looked on not saying a word. He did deduct the money from AJ's per diem and forced him to stay in for the next two weeks, other wise he was gonna charge his mother for the damage directly. After the room cleared and it was just J and I packing up to head back to the bus, I walked over and gave him a huge hug.  
  
"Why did you do that for me?" I asked him through the embrace. Not letting him go.  
  
"Nick" He pulled away from me, "It was no big deal, you WILL be lending me money whenever I need it though"  
  
"Sure, no problem AJ"  
  
"Good, now all I ask is that for the time I am punished, you will control that temper, no punching or hitting anybody or anything"  
  
"Okay I promise"  
  
"Good, now I guess you'll have ME to keep you company for the next two weeks" I rolled my eyes while secretly happy that I had AJ to keep an eye on me. I knew no matter how bad he treated me, he would be right there always...as long as I didn't stand in front of the television...  



	11. Secrets and Promises

After AJ was finally done laughing at me falling off the bed, well actually being pushed off the bed, he sat up with pillow held in his lap just smiling. I grabbed a beer from the fridge and was just about to toss it his way from force of habit when I luckily stopped myself. I grabbed a soda instead. One for him and one for me and made my way over to him.  
  
"Don't you think you should be getting dressed man?" He asked me as he popped the can open. I love that sound the can makes, like the sound of gas escaping. It cracks me up. "We have time! Besides, what kind of example would we set if we actually showed up on time?", he smiled. "You've got a point there, okay well cheers then!" He raised his can in the air and gulped letting out a huge burp!  
  
"Oh ick! Excuse yourself AJ that's gross" I followed with a much louder and longer burp. True I had a gift!  
  
"Hey J?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"I always wondered, do you remember 1995, that night when I broke the bed in the hotel room?" I could tell he was searching his memory, "Uh Kaos, you have broken many things, it's hard to keep track!"  
  
"I know, but this one you should remember" He seemed curious, "And why would that be?"  
  
"Because YOU took the blame for me. Don't you remember that? Lou was screaming at me and YOU took the blame, I never asked you why you did that, I mean I did but not really." He laughed, "Oh yeah that, I remember now. You never did buy me anything you know! I went to bat for you and you never even bought me a Coke!"  
  
"Well, I just did then" I said holding up the drink. He shook his head and made a face.  
  
"Oh yeah gee thanks a lot, now that your little mister money bags you can do more than just a measly can of Coke now right?"  
  
"You're right. Now I can buy you a Cherry Coke!"  
  
"Boy you are a real comedian aren't you?" I nodded and wiggled my eyebrows ALA Kevin. He put the can down on my nightstand and laid back using his elbows to hold himself up, "You wanna know why I helped you then?" I just nodded wondering what the answer was gonna be.  
  
"Okay well, I felt like It's what I needed to do"  
  
"That's it?"  
  
"Yup"  
  
"Okay, why though?"  
  
"Because Lou was screaming at you, you were on the verge of tears and very upset. It wasn't worth getting that upset over"  
  
"I really appreciated it" I said jumping on him and giving him a huge hug. He groaned as my body landed on top of his. "Get off me knucklehead!" I did. "What's with the delayed reaction? I mean that was 7 years ago"  
  
"What can I say, I'm a little slow, refrain from the nasty comments" I pouted at him. I love AJ, he really was my idol. I mean I looked up to all the guys but for some reason, to me AJ was the embodiment of cool. When he did stuff, I did the same stuff, sometimes it was good sometimes it was bad. I know after we had made that pact, where I wouldn't lose my temper for two weeks, I actually held up my end of the bargain. Whenever I was about to lose my cool all J would have to say would be "Niiick" In a slow warning tone, and I would stop. It was kind of amazing. Even my Mom couldn't do that to me. The other guys were my brothers looking out for me and I loved them all especially Brian but it was AJ who knew my darkest deepest secrets. He knew mine and I knew his.  
  
J was also the one that helped me when it came to school work. We studied together after Brian finally graduated. At first it was always lonely little me while the two older guys got to be together. Even though I was very far behind AJ in studies, we ended up being tutored together by this awful girl named Rachel. She would get fed up with me because I was having a hard time reading. She would anxiously fidget in her seat while filing her nails, making a clicking sound out of frustration.  
  
"Pay attention Nick!" I looked up at AJ, "Why? What made you say that?" He laughed.  
  
"You were zoning out again, where do you go when that happens?"  
  
"Sorry, I was just thinking about Rachel"  
  
"Rachel?"  
  
"Yeah our tutor don't you remember her?"  
  
"Oh yeah that major slut? I remember her" I laughed, "SO you didn't like her much huh?"  
  
"Did you?" He asked.  
  
"Nope not really she was mean...very mean"  
  
That woman should have never became a teacher. She was one of those teachers who used it to fall back on. Maybe she wanted to be a scientist, or maybe she was anticipating writing the next great novel, but no. She got stuck teaching two no good, ungrateful Backstreet Boys.  
~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~  
"Nick, pay attention!" She slapped me, she actually slapped me on the hand. I sat up startled out of my daydream. AJ snickered behind the pages of his economics text book.  
  
"Nikolas, did you even hear a word I just said to you?" I slowly shook my head.  
  
"You have got to pay attention! How do you expect to get this down if you don't concentrate!" I held my head in my hands. "I'm sorry I just blanked out for a minute"  
  
"I think you have a learning disability" I took my hands away from my eyes and just stared at her. "You what now?"  
  
"You heard me Nikolas, you have a hard time reading and paying attention. Have you ever been tested? I mean are you slow?"  
  
"No, I'm not slow, YOU'RE just boring!" I snarled at her.  
  
"That was uncalled for Mr. Carter"  
  
"Well, so was saying I'm slow Miss Rachel" Wow I could be so extremely sarcastic when I wanted to be!  
  
AJ just silently listened in to the conversation grunting a muffled laugh here or there. It became almost a weekly ritual to argue with Rachel. Her getting so frustrated with me that she would totally say something inappropriate, followed by me saying something equally inappropriate. She was only a few years older than us, maybe twenty at the most. How did she get the job? Easy really...  
  
"Well Nick? I'm waiting"  
  
"For what?"  
  
"An apology"  
  
"pfffft" I said as I rolled my eyes.  
  
"Don't pfffft at me sir, I demand an apology from you or I will have your mother on this phone so fast your head will spin" She would too. She did once before. Mom was not a very happy camper.  
  
"Okay, I'm sorry for being a horrible student!"  
  
"And?" She actually stood there tapping her toes at me, "And? What you want me to say more?"  
  
"Yes I do!"  
  
"Uh...okay..I won't do it again Miss Pearlman. I promise" Lou's niece gloated and I wanted to hit her with a spit ball so bad. I wadded a piece of paper up and put it in my mouth, "Niiiick" AJ said glaring at me behind his book. I spit it out into the garbage can.  
  
After she gave me a huge amount of homework, she left. AJ got only one sheet to do, I got at least an hour a subject. Not fair. I hated school, or anything to do with school. I even hated apples because they could be associated with school. I hated it when I actually had to go to the big place where I found myself always a target of bullies, and I hated it now, that there is just two people in the classroom. You know how bad it is when there's only two kids in the class and your teacher plays favorites? It sucks! Especially when you are NOT the favorite.  
  
I knew I was in trouble when our original teacher Mr. Bonham, had to leave. Lou was having a fit about having to hire someone to come to Europe with us, he had wanted our parents to foot the bill. My parents said no way and so did AJ's Mom. He was forced to hire out, he decided on Rachel, the third year college student who wanted to see the world. He let her come along and paid her for tutoring us, since she was in school for education, it counted. Lou always found loop holes in everything. So Miss Rachel Pearlman became our tutor.  
  
She loved AJ almost instantly, he picked up things so much faster than me. I was jealous sometimes. I wished that I could read something just once and get it under my belt the way that he did. Brian used to have some trouble too but I think for him it was just an attention span thing. I knew I had problems, especially reading and math. I am bright, I mean you can tell me something, especially an obscure fact and I would be able to tell you the answer. I had a great memory, but when it came to reading no such luck! My comprehension sucks!  
  
So to make my ever hard life even worse, I would have to sit on the tour bus, in the midst of laughter and playing and do my stupid homework. That's exactly what I found myself doing right now. Homework, as everyone else was enjoying a game of dominoes, I was stuck doing stupid math!  
  
"Life is so unfair!" I grunted out loud from my position on the floor. I was laying on my stomach with pencil in my mouth trying to figure out not only what the property of Y was but also why the hell I would even care to know! I had a massive headache. Side effect from thinking too much and became down right miserable. To make matters worse, every time we hit a bump my book went flying. I got frustrated and flung my book across the room and stood up almost losing my balance before making my way to my bunk and burying my head behind the covers.  
  
"Knock knock" I hated when they did that, just say hello not knock knock!  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Why did you throw your book across the floor?"  
  
"Because I hate it"  
  
"Oh, of course, that is the only logical explanation" AJ opened the curtain, my only 'escape' from everyone else and hopped up into my private area. "Seriously Kaos, what's going on? I can help you know"  
  
"I know but I don't want your help"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because, then you would go and brag to Rachel, Hey Rachel I helped that idiot Nick with his math" He thought it was funny but I wasn't laughing, "It's not funny! She hates me, she thinks I am stupid"  
  
"Who cares what the hell she thinks? She's just a no good skank!"  
  
"She's right"  
  
"About what?"  
  
"About me being stupid" I rolled over to face AJ, "I'm an idiot"  
  
"No you're not"  
  
"Yes I am, you even say so yourself, I mean you call me dumbass every chance you get"  
  
"Nick, come on, I'm only teasing you. You have to learn how to take a joke"  
  
"I don't think it's funny"  
  
"Apparently you don't, so I won't call you that anymore okay?"  
  
"Okay"  
  
"Now, what is going on with you man? You are really starting to worry all of us, your tantrums, crying, pouting, what's going on?" I wanted to cry again just at the mention of it. I am a fifteen year old male. How many fifteen year old males cry at the drop of a hat? I wasn't like any other fifteen year old male though, I was a star! eeeww sounds so great, but I was also a star who was so dumb that he didn't even realize that he was being taken advantage of, a star who is also an idiot. Complete and total idiot. I rolled back to my normal position away from AJ. He still sat there.  
  
"It's hard for me too you know, I hate this sometimes" I turned around again, "You do?" I looked at AJ and for the first time I saw someone as sad as me. I sat up letting him all the way inside my bunk. "Yes of course I do. The touring, the crowds, the fame and the stupid tutors? You think I enjoy it?" I didn't say anything because I didn't think he wanted an answer. "This is a tough life Nick, that's why we need to stick together" He looked so solemn, I forgot about my feelings and focused on him.  
  
"Don't you wish it was all a dream and when you wake up you are in your bed at home in Florida and you get to say what a crazy dream I had?" He looked up at me and smiled, but I saw the tears, not forming on his eyes like mine always seemed to do, his were deeper, tears that were stored in the crevices of his heart.  
  
"Yeah I do" I whispered, taking all he was saying as if it were an epic movie. "I hate Lou too!" He said as he gave me a look. I turned my eyes away from him. "He's a jerk sometimes" He continued.  
  
"I don't even know why I'm doing this" I confessed to him, "I think I'm doing it for my parents, they really need the money" Wow after saying that I understood how true it was. He was facing me sitting pretzel style holding one of my pillows on his lap.  
  
"Well I know why I'm doing it, I'm showing my no good father that I amounted to something, when I make millions, he will come crawling on his hands and knees begging and you know what I'm gonna do Nick?" I shook my head, "I'm gonna slam the door in his big stupid face!" I laughed and slapped him five. I sighed, "J? Do you think any of us are really doing this cause we want to?"  
  
"Yes, as a matter of fact I think they all are"  
  
"So, does that make us odd? You know, don't get me wrong, I love performing, but I am tired. I'm fifteen years old. Too young to be so tired."  
  
"I am too kiddo, I am too" We both sat there in silence while laughter played on our bandmates lips from the main room, the two young troubled children sat and contemplated life. And death...  
  
"I tried to kill myself once" J said in the middle of a yawn. My eyes grew wide with freight. "You did?" I found myself drawing closer to him.  
  
"Yes, when I was about your age. I felt like my life was going nowhere fast. I was lonely, depressed and sad. So incredibly sad, I took some pills" I gasped, "AJ, what were you thinking?"  
  
"I wasn't"  
  
"When? Where were we?" He put his hand up to make me stop asking questions, "Relax, like I said it was a little over two years ago, I was at home, we were still rehearsing, just starting out and I was sad. Angry, emotional, crying all the time" Oh my gosh, it dawned on me right there, "Do you think I am gonna try to kill myself?" He slowly lowered his head down even with my eyes. "Well are you?" I gasped again!  
  
"I most certainly would NOT!"  
  
"Good" He let out a sigh.  
  
"I would never do that AJ"  
  
"Well, then you promise me that if you are ever feeling THAT bad, that you will come and tell me okay?" He reached over and grabbed my arms almost ready to shake me.  
  
"Promise, Kaos!"  
  
"I promise"  
  
"Okay because you are always sad, so I want you to promise me and really mean it"  
  
"I do, I promise"  
  
"Good, and don't tell anyone what I told you"  
  
"No one knows? Not even Howie?" I felt special because he was entrusting me with such a deep dark secret.  
  
"No, no one knows. I'd like to keep it that way" We shook on it.  
  
"Here," he said as he handed me my math book, "You need to get back to work" I grabbed it from him and rolled my eyes. He laughed.  
  
I was left alone in my bunk with what J said lingering in my mind. I thought it would all be so different. I thought it would all be just like the movies....  



	12. Kevy Kev

AJ was still sitting on my bed but now he was also talking on my phone. For as long as I remember, my room has always been the hangout room, from the time we shared until now. I don't why? Maybe I had the coolest stuff! I bet all the video games didn't hurt either. I remember, when I would be sent to bed, which didn't happen often, I would hear the guys playing my games until all hours of the night. Especially Kevin, who would make it a point during the day to tell me I was spending too much time in front of the screen.  
  
He would be the loudest cussing at the games until someone would hush him. I just would laugh into my pillow. Kevin a kid at heart although he would die before admitting it. Kev's ears must have been ringing because before you knew it, there was another loud knock at the door. I got up from watching AJ talk to Sarah on MY phone and opened up.  
  
"Nick! How many times do I have to tell you to ask who it is first? God Nick have long have we been at this now? I could have been a press person, a fan or worse yet, a psycho!"  
  
"Hi, Kevin nice to see you too and you are a psycho!  
  
"Hey!"  
  
"Sorry, you walked into that one"  
  
Kevin walked in to see J on my phone, then he turned around and looked at me. Uh oh I'm gonna get yelled at! I can feel it.  
  
"Nick?"  
  
"Uh huh?"  
  
"You aren't gonna wear that to the party are you?"  
  
"Oh yes, Kev of course I am, why? Don't you think that sweats are in?"  
  
"Why do you always have to be such a smart ass?" He asked me smirking.  
  
"I don't know, it's just a talent I have"  
  
"Yeah well, you need to get that smart ass of yours into a nice outfit and soon!" He began snapping at me. God I hate it when he does that. He thinks if he snaps, It will make me go faster. So of course I had to snap back. The two of us snapping at each other like we were in a duel while poor AJ was trying to use the phone. Looking at us like we were crazy.  
  
"Okay well, Sarah I gotta go, I can barely hear you over all the SNAPPING!" He hung up the phone. "Aw, what's going on is daddy breaking up our party?"  
  
"Yes he is" Kevin turned to AJ, "J you look very dapper tonight! Love the hat"  
  
"Thanks man, you look great too, and thank goodness no man dress!" I laughed.  
  
"Leave the man skirt alone, I wore it once in a moment of weakness!" He then threw my suit that was laying over one of my chairs at me, "Go change now go! go! go!" He shuffled me to the bathroom. I laughed the whole way in.  
  
Kevin has always cracked me up, always. "Hey little man?"  
  
"Yup?"  
  
"You do have undies in there right?"  
  
"Uh Kev, that's none of your business!"  
  
"It is when press gets pictures of your naked ass!" I laughed again.  
  
"I am wearing underwear okay? Geez!"  
  
"Good glad to hear it! Hallelujah the boy is wearing underpants! " He shouted to AJ.  
  
I sat on the toilet bowl just thinking about how it was for Kevin and I in the beginning. Rocky for the most part, but always protective. I used to be so afraid of this gigantic guy. So much older than me, always seeming annoyed with every word uttered out of my mouth. I thought he hated me. I really did. He was always so short with me, when I would try to strike up a conversation, he would walk away. That was until he had to nag me about something.  
  
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK  
  
"I don't hear movement in there Nick! You better be getting dressed!" I laughed again.  
~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~~*~*~  
"Well? Are you almost ready kid? You are gonna make us late AGAIN!!" Kevin yelled at me while I hustled to get my pants on. I was rushing so much that I accidentally put both feet in the same pant leg plummeting to the floor "OW Gosh dangit!"  
  
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK  
  
"Are you okay in there? Nick? Are you okay?" Oh my God he was driving me crazy! Nuts! absolutely bonkers!  
  
"Yes, I'm fine, I just fell"  
  
"Fell? In the bathroom?"  
  
"Yes in the bathroom, where else would I have fallen" Dumbass!  
  
"How in the hell did you manage to fall in there? There's hardly even room to pee let alone fall?"  
  
"Oh I think it might be because a certain somebody, who shall remain nameless, kept insisting that I rush so I tripped and fell"  
  
Laughter was heard echoing through the bus. Why did they all find me their comic relief? Why?  
  
"Okay, well hurry up we are already five minutes late!"  
  
"You are hounding me just because we are five minutes late? Five stinking minutes?"  
  
"To be on time is to be late Nick! Let's get a move on now!!!" I finished dressing and ran out of the bus and joined the other guys.  
  
We had a television interview for some talk show, I never understood why we went to those because no one understood a word we said. It made no sense, but whatever Lou said we did. So here we were on this cheesy sound stage getting make up on while we prepped for this interview. I fidgeted in the seat as the make up lady kept layering on the cover up.  
  
"Stop moving" Kevin warned me as he pointed his finger at me. I wanted to grab it and rip it off. I was having an anti Kevin type of day. I was thrown out onto the stage and went to sit by Brian only to have Kevin come and sit in between us. "There will be NO fooling around kid, do you understand?"  
  
"Yes" I said in a mocking high tone while at the same time making a face. I ended by sticking my tongue out at him.  
  
He rolled his eyes at me and faced forward. The interview lasted for all of fifteen minutes with this lady who was hanging all over Howie. It was so funny. Howie kept looking every which way just to escape her gaze. She asked all the typical stupid questions but liked getting personal. She asked us all when we lost our virginity's! I was happy I was at the end of the line. When Howie answered her, she basically offered herself up to him, AJ made some smart ass comment, I ignored because I was having anxiety about what I was gonna say.  
  
I could stay the innocent sweet Nick, the one who had no idea of what sex was, or I could tell the truth, "Yes well, I lost mine, at a photoshoot with a supermodel." The next thing I knew all eyes were on me, I hadn't even heard Kevin or Brian say a word. I gulped but Kevin jumped in. "Actually, this question is completely inappropriate for him to answer" Thank You Kevin! I smiled at her as she glared at my savior.  
  
We had gotten back to the bus and were relieved to find out our night was free. We were going to have a concert, but at the last minute, the venue was double booked, since they paid Lou anyway, he decided to give us the night off. The first one in about one month. Immediately, Kevin, Howie, Brian and AJ all started to get ready for clubbing. So I did too. I had promised myself that the next time they did that I would force them to take me with them!  
  
I came out fully dressed and spiffy If I did say so myself. I had borrowed some of D's cologne and I stunk up the entire bus.  
  
"Where do you think you are going?" Howie asked me when he saw me in my attire.  
  
"Yeah do you have a hot date or something?" AJ added.  
  
"I'm going with you guys" They looked at each other and laughed.  
  
"I don't think so Kaos" J said as he put on his boots.  
  
"Why? I am only two years younger than you! Why do you get to go and I don't?"  
  
"Because the legal age here is 18"  
  
"You are only 17!"  
  
"But Nicky, that's only a year if even. There is a bit more than one year separating you from this club. Sorry buddy" Howie always trying to let me down gently.  
  
"That's not fair! Why can't we just go somewhere that let's people my age in?"  
  
"Because the zoo isn't open right now!"  
  
"Hey! Not nice Brian!"  
  
"Sorry, couldn't resist"  
  
"Why don't you stay home with me? We can play Nintendo and eat pizza, it will be fun"  
  
"I kinda feel like going out buddy. Don't be mad!"  
  
"I won't be" Not at you anyway, "So.." Now I was in evil mode, "Who's gonna baby-sit me then? Surely you can't let me stay all alone!"  
  
"You won't be" Kevin said walking in from the bathroom, "Hans, will be here" I rolled my eyes.  
  
"Great..the bus driver is my baby-sitter? Just excellent!"  
  
"Don't you think that maybe it should be someone who...I don't know...speaks English maybe?" I said as slow and sarcastically as possible, "All Hans can say is I am feet that you are cheese! Boy that will help in a crisis situation!" They all laughed but I was being serious.  
  
"Nick, it's only gonna be for a few hours, you can suck it up and stay out of trouble that long correct?" Kevin could be so condescending sometimes.  
  
"I guess" I huffed.  
  
"Okay then we will be back soon, this is where we will be, but don't call us, If I get one stupid crank call for me I will bust your ass! Got it?" I rolled my eyes at Kevin again, "Yes sir Kevin sir!" I saluted him for extra smart ass effect! He turned and walked out the door. They all waved as they left with AJ sticking his middle finger up at me just as he walked out the door!  
  
"Oh yeah? Well, same to you buddy!" I pouted and plopped on the couch, deciding to play some video games.  
  
After beating Zelda for the umpteenth time I had developed a plan, a plan that would make Lucy and Ethel jealous, I was gonna go to the club. I never changed out of my nice clothes so trying to trick Hans wouldn't be that hard. My goal was to get Hans to drive me to the club. Yes I am brilliant! Go me!!!  
  
I ventured to the front of the bus where Hans was reading a magazine. I tapped him on the shoulder, "Hello" He said and smiled. This guy was so nice. I was feeling bad. I did it anyway though, "Hello Hans, listen I have to meet the rest of the guys now"  
  
"Was sagen sie?" Hans said as he looked confused, "Um...yeah right what ever you said, We need to go to the club, you know the club where Kevin and the guys went to" I was trying to use hand gestures so he would understand me. He wasn't.  
  
"Club, you know..uh..dance club" I started to dance hoping he would get it. He didn't.  
  
"Club, C-L-U-B..club!" I was jumping up and down now, totally cracking the guy up.  
  
"Nick want to go to Hersgabaten?" I looked down at the number that Kevin had left me and sure enough the name of the club was Hersgabaten. I smiled "Yes"  
  
"Well, why did you not just say that then!" He said! I gave him a look and rolled my eyes and before I knew it, we were on the way to the club.  
  
"Thanks Hans" I said as I left the bus, he drove back to our regular location just in case Lou or someone else were to show up. The place was hopping, from the looks of it anyway. There was a huge line to get in and there were people everywhere, smoking, drinking and making out!  
  
I brushed my hair back with my hands and took my place in line. I decided to put on some shades for an extra cool look. I waited for about an hour before finally getting to the front door. I tried to walk in but was stopped. The big man asked me for ID I started to rustle through my pockets pretending to look for my ID, then I shrugged, "Must have forgotten it, sorry" I took a step forward and he grabbed me by the collar and pushed me back. That was my club experience. I walked away as the people making out snickered at me.  
  
I leaned against the club's wall looking at my watch, great, now not only did I NOT get in, but I was gonna get in SO much trouble. It didn't seem worth it. What a dumb idea!  
I sat down and tried to make myself invisible.  
  
"Hey!"  
  
I looked up and saw a guy coming towards me. He seemed friendly enough, around Kevin's age. He was wearing a smile, but as he got closer I smelled the alcohol on his breath.  
  
"Hey kid, nice watch" He said to me. I grasped onto it nervously "Thanks"  
  
"Can I see it?" I held it up very leary of how this was going. Sure enough the guy grabbed my arm and pulled me close to him. I was just about to scream but he placed a hand over my mouth.  
  
"SHH no one needs to scream, this is what you are gonna do son, you are gonna give me that watch and anything in your wallet you understand?" I nodded petrified.  
  
"LET HIM GO!!!" I heard a familiar and welcome voice and turned to see Kevin and Howie standing there. He dropped me. "Easy buddy, I was just admiring the kids watch"  
  
"Nick get over here now!" I walked over to Kevin thankfully and stepped on the guys foot on my way over. Kevin grabbed me and placed me behind him and Howie, "Now, are we gonna have a problem or are you gonna leave us alone?" The guy thought about it for a second, held up his hands in defeat and walked away.  
  
I let out a huge sigh of relief, it didn't last long, Kevin grabbed me and growled "What the hell are you doing here? What if we hadn't shown up? What were you thinking? Do you ever think? EVER?" I apologized to him, "Nick this isn't a game, you could have been hurt, I mean the guy had you right where he wanted you, you have to think."  
  
"I know I said I was sorry, I just want to go home now okay?" I was crying. Yes again! He eased up and walked me to the van they took to the club. "You want me to get the rest of the guys?" Howie asked Kevin. Kev shook his head, "Nah, you guys stay, Nick and I are gonna head back to the bus and have us a talk. A long long talk" Uh-oh  
  
I changed into my pajama's as Kevin made us some hot cocoa. I sat across from him as he handed me the warm drink. "Feeling better now?" He asked me. I just nodded, blowing to cool down my drink.  
  
"Nick, what were you thinking going to the club? You know better than that. AJ I would expect that from but not you"  
  
"I felt left out"  
  
"That doesn't excuse that behavior Nick, you crossed the line from being immature to not being safe. You cannot cross that line kiddo! Not in this business" His look was serious, his demeanor calm but yet concerned. He was angry but I knew it was out of fear for what could have happened. He was right, I was dumb.  
  
He sat and lectured me about safety and I listened to him sometimes blocking him out, but always coming back at the critical moments. He was a good man Kevin. He tried so hard, a perfectionist in every single way. He was my brother though and I looked up to him. After his epic lecture, the first one of many many more to come..we sat and I taught him how to beat Zelda. He acted like he couldn't care less, but I knew better. As soon as I was asleep he would be sitting here in front of the television trying the moves that I had showed him. Like a child.  
  
I fell asleep on the couch by the time the rest of the guys found their way home. I listened half in a dream state half out as he told the guys what had happened, I heard Brian's concerned gasps. I smiled. I also felt Kevin wrap me up in a blanket and tell me he loved me. Corny I know but I enjoyed it. Because even though he drove me nuts! I loved him too. Like a dad shhh but don't tell anyone I said that! Especially him...


	13. Homesick

I got dressed taking my time as Kevin between bursts of conversation with AJ, would rap at the door telling me to hurry up. I used to be afraid of him, I still am sometimes. Not so much as the early days, actually it was shortly after he rescued me outside of that crazy night club, that my view of Kevin began to change. I saw him in a slightly different light. A much more positive one. Shortly after that incident, I started to try to understand the man behind the stoic frame. Kev is one of the most layered people you could meet. Charming and polite to his fans and acquaintances, but those of us who he was very close to, saw the other side to his personality. The side that demanded the best from everyone at all costs, the perfectionist, who had little time to dawdle over things like fun. This is the Kevin that up until those days in Germany, I had known.  
  
We had nothing in common. I would find myself complaining to his cousin about how he so unfairly treated me. Brian always promising that he would turn around. Striking analogies to children my age hanging out with grown men. It didn't happen often unless there was something 'sketchy' going on he would say and then laughter would ease up the frustration and the conversation would be dropped.  
  
The night he so warmly placed a cover over my semi sleeping frame, I saw that gentle side come out. He was so mad at me, lecturing me to no end but yet, as I laid there, pretending to sleep, I saw that other side finally. Like Brain said, I saw him turn around a little. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't all a big picnic for us but it was a start.  
  
"Niiick?" I look over at the door and laugh, purposely slowing my pace to make him mad.  
"Yes?" I say slowly and deliberately. "Are you almost done in there?" I laughed, "No Kevin I'm not. Why do you ask?" I hear him grumble under his breath. I loved egging the guy on, even now at 23, I loved making him mad. See what I really figured out about Kevin in Germany, was that he wore his emotions on his sleeve. I had fun with it too.  
  
"Nick, you gotta get moving buddy! I don't want to be late for this!"  
  
"Relax Kevin, I'll be done soon. Just chill out!" I heard him laugh and resume a conversation with AJ or was it Howie? Yup it sounded like Howie had now joined the party as well. Maybe I WAS making us late. I began to pick up my pace just a little.  
  
Yeah, shortly after he came to my rescue in Germany, we found ourselves bonding once again, this time over something a lot more serious...  
~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*  
I got myself out of bed very slowly. I hadn't been feeling well for the last few days and had developed a nasty nasty headache. I staggered over to the fridge searching for anything to eat that wouldn't make me vomit.  
  
"What crawled up your ass?" AJ asked me when I started to grumble under my breath about there not being anything to eat. "Leave me alone!" I spit out at him. He shook his head at me and got up and went into the living area. I sat at the table and sulked. Putting my head down on my arms. I was so tired of living on this stupid bus and eating fast food morning, noon and night. All I wanted was a decent home cooked meal and a nice warm bed to sleep in.  
  
"Hey Kaos!" Brian said as he took a seat across form me. "AJ said you are being pissy this morning" , I thought about totally ignoring him but instead just grumbled at him as well. "Hmmph!" I said through my sweatshirt sleeve. Brian found this amusing, "If you are still sleepy, why don't you just go back to bed? We still have a while before we get to our destination"  
"Hmmmph!" I said a little louder. "What's the matter Nick?" Now, I could have answered this question so many different ways, but I chose the dumbest thing to say instead. I always did that. "I am hungry! And there is nothing to eat in the stupid fridge or the stupid bus!" I whined still not bothering to pick my head up from my arms.  
"You're being pissy because you are hungry? That seems dumb to me!" I looked up at Brian and rolled my eyes. "Leave me alone please" I begged him and put my head back down on the table. He did. He walked right back to the living area, Wow two down and two to go I thought to myself.  
  
Maybe I should've gone back to my bunk but I couldn't get comfortable. Some people liked the rocking motion of the bus finding it easier to sleep in it than a hotel bed, not me. All it did was remind me that I was moving farther and farther away from home. So I just sat there and sulked. Occasionally shifting my position between coughs. No one bothered me. They knew better, I'm sure they were just afraid I would pummel them or something. The thing is, I kind of wanted them to bother me, just a little. I didn't enjoy being alone, being with the guys, even if they were annoying me, would still be better than being by myself.  
  
I found myself thinking of home. I wondered what my siblings were up to. My father probably trying to fix something in the backyard in the process breaking at least three other things. Mom cooking in the kitchen, oh who was I kidding, Mom didn't like to cook. She did in my imagination though. A home cooked meal from her would amount to some Hamburger Helper and frozen French fries. It was still more of a home cooked meal than what I was getting here. Having day old burritos for breakfast wasn't my idea of good home cooking. You know the thing that I missed the most though, sad as it sounds, were my animals. I missed my dogs so much, missed them jumping on me first thing in the morning when everyone else ignored their barks to go outside. Playing Frisbee and fetch with them. Licking my face when I was happy and never leaving my side when I was sick or sad. I wonder if they will even remember me when I go back home. They have probably bonded with the other kids by now, waking Aaron up instead of me.  
  
I decided to go to the bathroom because I was about to lose it again. I swear I am such an emotional wreck! I got to the bathroom and ran into Howie who was just about to run in there. "Hey Nicky! You need to use the bathroom before I take a shower?" I shook my head. "You sure?" I nodded. "Well, you're a man of many words today aren't ya?" He said while winking at me. I rolled my eyes at him and proceeded back to my place at the table. I had debated on going to the back where everyone else was but figured it was best for all involved if I stayed right here.  
  
I wasn't sure why I was even home sick, I mean, my home wasn't a home really. It was a house if that makes any sense. Mom has never been any good at the Mom thing, always a better manager than mother. I have gotten used to it but occasionally it has been rough. There are times that I just need a Mom not a business partner. She has always had a hard time separating the two identities. I still love her though, and at the moment I needed her here with me! I went over to Howie's bunk opening the curtain up and searching for his cell phone. His Mom had bought it for him as a birthday present when she realized how far away he would be from her. Now, she was a great lady.  
  
I jumped up and searched under his pillow, I knew he wouldn't mind if I used it. I would pay him back. He knew I was good for the money. I still found nothing, but my mind wandered when I heard Kevin talking in the bunk next door. He obviously had Howie's cell. I started to sulk again throwing myself on Howie's pillows. His bunk seemed more comfortable than mine for some reason. Life was so unfair!  
  
Through the quiet of the bunk I was able to hear bits of Kevin's conversation. It sounded like he was talking to his mother.  
  
"Yes Mom, everything is good here...I am Mom I promise. I miss him too, I think about him all the time." I wondered who he was talking about, "Aw, Mom don't cry, you know he's watching you from above. I'll be home soon too I promise. I know he would have been proud, thanks...okay I love you too! Bye Mommy" I chuckled that he called his Mom mommy, I would have to save that and use it for later. I jumped down from Howie's bunk and pulled open the curtains to Kevin's bunk. I was floored by what I saw..Kevin..crying.  
  
"What the fuck are you doing? Get the hell out of here!" He pushed me making me fall to the floor. He jumped down and reached for me. "God, Nick I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that, you just surprised me that's all" I stood up brushing away my own tears. I was angry and hurt, and really not feeling well. "Just leave me alone!" I screamed at him as I huffed back to my own bunk. Just before hopping up I turned around and looked at Kev, he seemed so sad. I walked back over to him. "Hey Kevin, are you okay?" He looked up at me, tears still in his eyes and nodded. Now I know what I must look like when I blatantly lie. "Aw, Kev, no your not, let's talk" He seemed annoyed like what is this kid gonna do to help me? I hopped up in his bunk so he couldn't avoid me. He followed.  
  
I sat close to his pillows while he sat by his alarm clock and TV. His long legs almost even with me. I was sometimes amazed by the size of him. He should have become a football player. I was getting to be pretty tall too but I was so scrawny next to him. He was still wiping tears away from his eyes. "Kevin, why are you so sad?" He laughed.."It's nothing little guy, I'm just a little homesick" He said he was homesick. Just like me! Amazing, finally something in common. "I am too" He smiled at me, "It's okay to be homesick Kevin. We are very far away" he nodded while resting his head against the wall. "Today is..it's nothing" Wow he was almost as bad as me, "Today is what?" I asked hoping to pry it out of him. He motioned for me to stop talking with his hand as he tried to collect his emotions. "It's just that today is my dad's birthday. I miss him you know? I wish I was home with my Mom and brothers instead of thousands of miles away. That's all" I looked at this great big man, who I was so intimidated by, and just for a second, I saw him turn into a small kid. Just like me.  
  
He let out a big sigh letting me know he was done being emotional for now. I sat back and stared at him, could it be this guy and I had more in common than either of us thought? "Kev..Tell me about your dad" I asked him, I suddenly felt a need to get to know him better, this new Kevin I was seeing for the first time.  
  
"Well, he was a great guy, As tall as me but so much more mellow. He loved to be outside, he loved nature and hiking and kids. God he loved to be around kids, every year he would volunteer to dress up like Santa for church. They all knew it was him but he did it anyway." He looked up at the sky smiling. I could tell he was recreating the scenes of his childhood in his mind. It was nice seeing him smile again.  
  
"He sounds like a great guy. I wish I could have met him"  
  
"Yeah, me too. He would have liked you! My dad was a practical joker"  
  
"He was?"  
  
"Yes, he was" I laughed, "But Kev..you are so serious! How did that happen?" He slapped my leg, "I have a fun side too you know!" Nah impossible. "I'd like to see that side every once and awhile" I told him as I started making my way out of his bunk.  
  
"Hey wait a minute, what did you need?"  
  
"Huh?..Oh..just the phone I wanted to call home" I said right before a coughing fit. He pulled me back into the bunk and was patting my back as I coughed. "you okay?"  
  
"I'm sick"  
  
"How so?"  
  
"I just feel achy and icky! I miss home too. I want my Mom here!" I felt weepy again but stopped myself. He felt my forehead, I at first pulled away. I thought he was gonna slap me or something. "Kiddo, you have yourself a fever." He said pushing me down on his bunk. He jumped down, "Stay here I'll be right back" I nodded. His bunk was even more comfortable than Howie's! No fair!  
  
He was back in a few minutes carrying a cup of hot tea and some toast with honey on it. He placed them down next to me and hopped back up. I felt embarrassed. I sat up ready to get down. "No, stay here! Drink this, it will help clear up some of that gross stuff in there" I nodded taking a sip and making a face. He laughed. "It's tea with lemon, it's good for you! Trust me"  
  
"It would be even better with sugar" I tried to put it down but he wouldn't let me. "Here's the trick you take a sip of tea then a bite of toast. Do it" I did and he was right, the honey on the toast made the tea seem a lot sweeter. "thanks" I said while shivering. He placed his blanket over me, "Now rest, I know it stinks to be sick so far from home, but I'm here for you. Okay?" I nodded. I realized that maybe Kevin needed me as much as I needed him.  
  
He just sat there keeping me company holding my tea for me, patting my back when I coughed and making sure I stayed nice and warm. "Kevin..thanks for being here for me"  
  
"It's nothing little man, thank YOU for being there for me, you made me feel better and I appreciate it" I smiled. I fell asleep in his bunk, he switched with me for the night. I woke up feeling a little better physically but a lot better mentally, it was nice to know that I wasn't the only one longing to be somewhere else. I still managed to razz Kevin about calling his Mom Mommy though...


	14. How do You Spell Relief?

I sat in the bathroom on the toilet thinking back to all the days I did this very routine. Sit in some generic bathroom, getting dressed for this event or that concert. Most of the time, I got so nervous when it came to those things, I would find myself standing over the toilet and getting sick. It still happened from time to time. Those were not the best of memories for me either, being sick on the road...alone. Well, not really alone but unsupervised I guess would be a better way to put it.  
  
Just the thought of those days, brought the butterflies back into my stomach as if it just happened. That's how it always felt at first. Like butterflies. Most of the time those butterflies would fly away leaving me free to enjoy the rest of my performance, but sometimes they turned into monsters gnawing on my gut. That's when I felt the worst about everything. Being sick on the road. Throwing up in-between songs at some stupid nameless venue while people were yelling and screaming at me to get a move on instead of rubbing my back and telling me it would be okay. I gripped my stomach and took deep breaths telling the pain not to come. Not today, not on this special day. It's just a memory Nick, that's all. Memories can't hurt you...  
~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~  
Come on Nick take a deep breath, relax and the pain will go away. I said with my eyes closed sitting on the bathroom floor of the hotel room that AJ and I were sharing. We had to be at the venue in thirty minutes which meant ready and waiting for the van. My stomach started to do flip flops shortly after dinner and I chalked it off as stuffing myself to full but it was more than that. I didn't really eat that much afterall. It was the bad pain, you know the kind I'm talking about, not the pain that would go away with a burp this pain was high in my stomach, the kind that only found one way out of the body.  
  
Come on Nick, get a grip on yourself you have somewhere to be and you can't do this. I took a deep breath and stood up, the nausea overwhelmed me and I found myself heaving over the toilet. I hated to vomit more than anything else in the world. I hated the way it felt from start to finish. I cried. It was an automatic reaction. I always cried when I threw up, from the age of 6 months to now. I wiped away my tears and brushed my teeth before making my way out the door. I felt a sense of relief after I vomited and figured that was the end of it. Boy was I wrong.  
  
"You are late again young man!" Lou said in a soft but firm manner. I looked up and tried to smile but couldn't bring myself to do it. Too much work. "Sorry" Was all I could muster. He was already onto talking about the concert and plans for the after party. I just wanted to go to sleep after the concert. Nick party of one. Me and the bathroom, best friends forever and always.  
  
"Can I just go home after the concert?" I asked Lou with the most pathetic look I could make. Which wasn't very hard considering how I was feeling. He smiled at me, "Nick, what's the matter son, are you sick or something? You never want to miss a party"  
  
"Yes, actually I am sick" His smile changed when he saw that I wasn't kidding. The guys looked disgusted as well. I couldn't help it if my stomach hurt all the time. "I'm serious this time guys, I think..no I KNOW it's a virus"  
  
"But Nick, you get a queasy stomach all the time before you perform"  
  
"I know but this is different. Oh never mind!" I sat back disgusted.  
  
The rest of the ride went from bad to worse as I constantly fought the urge to vomit all over all of them, part of me really wanted too, but I didn't. I was gonna call my Mom from there and tell her to make Lou let me take the night off. No concert. I never liked to miss, but I felt terrible, this way I could maybe sleep in the green room while they performed and then maybe I would have enough energy to go to the party. Okay I had my game plan. All I needed was a phone.  
  
As we walked up to the dressing room, I pulled Howie aside, "Hey D, do you have your phone with you?"  
  
"Yes, why?"  
  
"Because I wanted to use it to call my Mom" He rolled his eyes at me, what was going on around here! What was everyone's problem. "You know Nick, you can talk to her tonight after the show if you like but we are due on stage in a minute for sound check"  
  
"Howie, please? Let me just call her now" He gave me a look and searched through his bag finding his cell phone. He handed it to me, "Fine, here ya go but don't make us late!" I nodded and quickly called my home number.  
  
The phone rang....and rang....and rang...until the machine picked up. I laughed as I listened to my own voice explaining why the Carter's weren't home right now. I was a riot. "Hi Mommy, it' me. Nick. and um...I'm sick! Can you please call Lou and ask him to not let me perform tonight Mom, I really feel ill. I've been throwing up and I think I have a fever. I just feel gross. Thanks a lot Mom, I love you tell everyone I said I love them too! Bye" I smiled as I hung up the phone. Now I just had to wait for her call.  
  
I trudged back up towards the stage where everyone else was already in their places for the first number. I didn't think I would be able to get through sound check but I would give it my best shot. I stepped up to the mic when I felt the worst cramps yet, I ran off towards the back of the stage and puked my guts out! If there was one thing worse than getting sick, it was getting sick on your hands and knees in a venue with stage hands and roadies looking on not phased. I stood myself up looking at the mess I created and walked back to the front of the stage. They were still checking microphones, couldn't care less that I was ill. At least that's what I thought.  
  
"Nick it's your turn to speak into the mic" One of the tech guys said so I waltzed up to the mic and instead of saying sibilance like we usually did, I said "Testing...testing..I am as sick as a dog, did you hear me? I am as sick as a dog and I am NOT performing tonight!" Harsh I know but I felt lousy, have I mentioned? The guys looked at me amused. I wasn't laughing. I felt a new wave of dizziness hit me so I sat right where I was. Trying to take deep breaths to control my nausea.  
  
Kevin walked over to me and sat by my side, "Hey, are okay little man?" Woah finally..Jesus Christ what does a guy have to do before he gets some attention? Die?  
"I said I am sick Kevin, I just spewed my guts all over the back of the stage and I want to go home and go to bed, that's all I ask." I laid back but the pain in my stomach didn't allow me that luxury so I sat bolt upright. "Aw, I'm sorry kiddo, Is it really that bad?" Why didn't they ever believe me? Why?  
  
"Yes, Kev, it's that bad! I asked my Mom to call Lou so I wouldn't have to perform."  
  
"Why don't you just tell him how bad it is, I'm sure he'll let you off for one night" I looked over at him, maybe he was right, yeah or maybe really big panda's were gonna fly out of my ass! "Nah! It won't work"  
  
"You'll never know unless you try" He stood up and patted me on the back. So I gave it a try, why not I was desperate. I jumped down from the stage and made my way to Mr. Pearlman who was in a heated discussion with a few business looking type people. I stood there waiting for him to make eye contact with me. He never did, so I had to do the thing that I sucked at, I had to try to interrupt him. "Um..Mr. Pearlman?" He ignored me, but the man he was talking to looked up and then acknowledged that Lou do the same. He didn't like being bothered. "Yes son was is it?"  
  
"Lou, I um...I don't feel good"  
  
"Nick, we have been through this before, I am sorry you don't feel well but you can rest after your duties tonight" Yes I knew he was gonna say that. "My Mom is gonna call you and tell you to give me the night off" He seemed amused by that, "Oh she is...is she?" I nodded. "Nicky, your Mom did call me and she said that I should do what I feel is best, and you know what that is?" I was distraught, I looked away. "That is for you to give the best performance you can give. Nick kiddo, your famous now, that's one of the sacrifices you have to make. Sorry" With that being said he resumed his conversation with the business guy. Leaving me to ponder why my own Mother didn't care about me.  
  
Now I was dealing with two different pains, one in the stomach and one in the heart. I know it sounds almost poetic, but that hurt. I thought Mom would have at least wanted to talk to me first before she let Lou decide what was best for me. I started to walk back to the stage but my stomach and my feelings combined made me fly out of the room and into the bathroom.  
  
When I was done doing my business I sat in the stall and cried. Holding my stomach and hitting the floor with my fists. I was so angry and tired of all of this shit! If I was offered a once in a lifetime opportunity to leave now and be a normal kid, I don't know what I would have done. Home was really like here wasn't it? There was no simple solution to this problem.  
  
I was quiet for most of the time after sound check, just lying down with a trash can next to me, nobody said anything to me, they sensed the foul mood I was in. Howie walked up to me and sat down. "Hey buddy, how are you feeling?"  
  
"Not good D"  
  
"I'm sorry, is there anything I could do for you?" Yes have your Mom adopt me.  
  
"NO that's okay Howie, thanks for asking though" He smiled at me and got up and walked away, "Wow! You really are sick huh?" AJ forever the master of the obvious! "Uh yes I am J!" I just laid there as now Brian had joined AJ at my side, "Hey, I have an idea. Let's get Hans to pretend he's Nick tonight. They will never know the difference" I laughed. AJ always made me laugh. I had to quickly turn to my side and puke again. Grossing out everyone in the room.  
  
"Nicky if you are that ill, you shouldn't go out on stage" Brian said all humor gone from his face. Good now they were starting to get it. "I tried that already, he said no"  
  
"Screw him then!" Kevin was mad. I couldn't help but feel good about that. If Kevin was mad than that means he cared. "It's not that easy Kev, even my Mom said I should go on" They all looked disgusted. I knew they didn't like her, at the moment neither did I. "I'm gonna go talk to Lou okay?" Kevin said as he felt my forehead. His hand was very cool to the touch which meant I had a fever. I nodded and closed my eyes. I felt someone place a blanket over me and was a little surprised to see it was AJ. "What? I can be nice to you know!"  
  
I drifted off to sleep. We didn't have to be on stage for at least two hours, I was hoping in that time, either Kevin would persuade Lou to let me off, or I would feel better. I awoke to Brian gently taping my shoulder whispering my name, "Nick...Nick" I opened my eyes and saw concern on his face. I felt even worse, if that was possible. "I sat up suddenly feeling dizzy, I keeled over the side and once again let it all out. Brian never left my side, he actually rubbed my back which was a big deal for him, he didn't handle vomit very well.  
  
"This is insane! He can't go on like this, he is gonna collapse or worse" Worse? Did AJ say worse? What did I look that bad? "So, I take it Lou didn't have a change of heart then huh?" I asked as I slouched back down on the sofa. "Kevin is still talking to him, but no it looks like you are going to perform, I'm sorry buddy."  
  
I rolled over on my side and began to cry. Brian rubbed my back. Joined by Howie telling me that everything would be okay. I knew better though, I knew it wouldn't be okay. Not unless I was allowed to watch from the sidelines. "Okay there's no way in hell that boy is going out on that stage and that is final!" Howie announced to the rest of the guys. It was a nobel cause but I knew it was a useless argument.  
  
To prove that point in walked Mr. Lou Pearlman and associates. I stayed with my back turned but I could smell him. He had a very distinguishable odor. Corn beef and Cabbage. Stinking boiled food. That's what he smelled like and when he came in I just about retched.  
  
"Up and adam young man, times a wasting" I turned around to face him, my tear stained face coming into view, he gave me no sign of sympathy only impatience. "Lou, he is really sick. He can't go on tonight!" Howie said moving close to our manager with pleading eyes. "Oh come on Howie, I know he doesn't feel well but he will go on" D threw his arms up in disgust. That's when I took front and center  
  
I stood up on wobbly legs and walked to him crying, "Please Lou. I never ask you to let me have a night off no matter how ill I am, well tonight I am making an exception. Please, I will do anything you want just please let me go to sleep please" The man Lou was with gave me a sad glance and then told Lou, "I think maybe you should give the boy the night off" Lou smiled at him but I saw underneath that smile. He was not a happy man. Not at all.  
  
"We'll see" He said glaring at me. "Will you excuse us" He asked the man and I knew I was in trouble. The guy left and Lou stood not two feet away from me, cabbage firmly irradiating off of his breath as he spoke. "You will not ever do that again do you understand me? This isn't Kindergarten, You are going to suck it up and go on that stage and sing your little blonde haired blue eyed heart out! That is final!! One more word on the matter and I will take all of your per diems!" He turned and stormed out of the room slamming the door with so much force that the room shook.  
  
I sighed, that's about all I had left in me. I wanted to do so much more, I wanted to throw a tantrum, maybe fling some glasses across the room, attack one of the guys but I only had enough strength to sigh. Howie walked over and hugged me, "Don't worry Nicky. We will help you get through this" I cried in his arms, "Oh my God you are so warm" He said. I just stood there and cried. "I guess I need to get dressed then huh?" He nodded so I moved to the bathroom and put on my clothes.  
  
I stood over the toilet sweaty and cold. Wanting to just flush my whole head down there. I sat in the stall and cried. Having the hardest time even getting my arm in my sleeve. Hearing the roar of the crowd sound ten times magnified by the acoustics of the men's room. Wondering how in the world I was gonna get through this. Not wanting to get through it at all. Wanting to run home but yet not having anywhere to go...  



	15. F.R.I.E.N.D.S

My stomach was totally turning inside out now. It's so funny how just the thought of those days, my stomach could go back to that place. I moved to the wall and placed my back against it holding my stomach with both hands, I started to breath deeply. Yoga has helped me keep control of my emotions, wrap them up in a ball and throw them out of my body. I took big breaths calming myself down. Trying my best to erase the little me from my mind. The me who had one too many of these attacks. Culminating on one night on stage in Germany. Forced to go out feeling like death. Both mentally and physically.  
  
"Nick..are you still in there?" I opened my eyes briefly to stare at the door. "Yes, Kevin where else would I be?"  
  
"Are you almost done?" I took in a deep breath with my eyes closed. "Almost, give me a second or two"  
  
"Yeah or fifty" AJ yelled from behind Kevin. I closed my eyes again, thinking back to that night, the night when I needed my Mom and Dad the most, the first night of many to come where they would be conveniently absent. My friends were there though, without them I have NO idea what I would've done. No idea...  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
"Nick are you in there?" Kevin asked timidly when I failed to turn up in the length of time he felt would be appropriate for dressing. "Yeah I'm here, give me a second okay?"  
  
"Do you need any help?"  
  
"No. I'll be out in a second"  
  
"Okay" I stood up, pulling myself together as best as I could and opened the stall door. Not only was Kevin in there waiting for me but Howie, Brian and AJ were all there in the bathroom. I didn't even hear them come in. I walked past them and washed my hands. Kevin put his arm around me, "Listen kiddo, if you feel the least bit sick like you are gonna puke or pass out you just run off the stage or sit down in your place, okay?"  
  
"Kay" I said splashing cool water on my face. I looked up at Howie as a last attempt at freedom,"D..did my Mom call while I was in here?"  
  
"No, I'm sorry little guy"  
  
"Can I borrow your phone again? Maybe I'll try her one more time"  
  
"Sure thing" We all walked out of the men's room and ventured back to the green room. Howie handed me his phone. I smiled and sat down once again dialing my parent's house.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Hi Mom"  
  
"Oh, hi Nikolas...I thought you'd be on stage by now"  
  
"Mom, I really don't feel well. Can't you tell Lou to not make me perform please?" I choked back tears. "Oh Nick, don't be silly. It's just an hour of performing at the most. You can do it. Just suck it up and take one for the team." I started to feel very self conscious when I noticed all the guys just staring at me on the phone. I tried to look away, "But Mom. It's really bad. I have been throwing up all day and I have a fever."  
  
"Nikolas Gene, I am sure that if you were really that sick, Lou wouldn't make you get on the stage."  
  
"I am and he is"  
  
"Look kiddo, I love you but I gotta go. If you don't feel better by tomorrow I will call him again okay?"  
  
"Mom please" Now I was desperate crying like a little child. She hung up. I just held the phone in my hand and cried. Brian gently grabbed it away from me and hugged me. I heard Brian whisper to Kevin "He is really sick" I was. I don't remember a time when I felt this bad. I felt my body shivering and temperature rising. If I had to guess, which I did have to do because there was NO thermometer anywhere, I would say I was running at least a temp of 102 or even higher. At least that's how it felt. They all new it too. I was sick as sick could be.  
  
"Guys you are on in ten minutes" The stage hand directed us. I went and lied down on the couch. The guys really looked at a loss for words when it came to saying something that would make me feel better. So they didn't they just stood around. Kevin made sure that all the tech people and crew knew how sick I was and they had strategically placed buckets everywhere in case I needed to vomit. Then we went on.  
  
From the first chorus of the first song I felt ill. The heat of the lights just making everything worse. The screaming giving me such a pounding headache. I yelled at them all to shut the hell up a few times but luckily they were so caught up in their own screaming, that none of them heard me. After every song the four of them would lay their eyes on me making sure I was still with them. I managed to smile through the first two songs but that is when the vomiting came. It came hard and violent and I almost didn't make it to the nearest bucket. I got there just in time. Brian saw me run and he followed after me. "God, Nick are you okay?" I couldn't even answer him. I had no voice. I felt the need to brush my teeth but luckily I came prepared and stuck a mint in my mouth.  
  
The rest of the set was like that, me running back stage puking while sucking on mints. Towards the end of the night it was getting harder and harder to run. So I just strolled to the edge of the stage to puke my guts out. I was so dizzy and hot I had sweat pouring down my face. The stage hands kept giving me towels and quickly they would be dripping with perspiration. I resorted to throwing cold bottles of water on my self to cool down, only to get the shivers as a result. By the second to last song of the set, I began to cry. I sat on the stage and cried, not full on crying just enough so that I knew but no one else. My little secret played out in front of thousands of screaming girls who didn't have a clue. They would go home and say how great the show was! How hot I looked, never having any idea what kind of living hell I was going through.  
  
The end of the last song we bowed and I had a hard time getting back up. Luckily Brian noticed and helped me stand up straight. "Almost done buddy" He whispered to me. We walked off the stage to a grinning Lou and associates, I passed them and headed for the bucket. Puking only yards away from where he was doling out praise.  
  
"What's the matter, is he sick?" I heard him ask. I couldn't help it I laughed. "Yes, Lou he is sick remember him begging you to not have to perform?" Howie said giving Lou some attitude. Way to go D! I stood up but the whole room was spinning. I grabbed for anything I could to get my balance. That happened to be Kevin. He grasped on to me, "Hold on buddy" I remember saying his name and that's about it. "Kevin I..."  
  
I woke up with a damp cold towel on my forehead and Kevin sitting next to me in a chair, I was on the couch in the dressing room. He was pushing my hair out of my eyes. "Guys he's waking up" He called to the rest of the boys who weren't that far away. "Hey little man, that was quite a scare you gave us" By the time he was done with the statement, AJ and Brian had joined Kevin right by my side.  
  
"What happened?" I asked looking from one guy to the other. "You blacked out on us right after the show. You said Kev's name and then that was that" Brian answered trying to hand me a glass of water. I grabbed for it but my hands were still a little too shaky. So Kev took it and put it to my lips. I took a few sips and then pulled away letting the water dribble down the front of the blanket that was draped around me.  
  
"I bet Lou is mad at me now huh?"  
  
"No, he isn't mad Nick. Nobody's mad at you, now close your eyes and go to sleep. You need your rest."  
  
"The doctor will be here in a few minutes" Howie reported as he walked in the door. "How is he?" He walked closer to see if I was awake and a smile came to his face when I looked up at him. "Well howdy partner"  
  
"Oh God D, don't go all cowboy on me now!"  
  
"Yup, I think he's gonna be just fine" J said. "Nicky, Lou is calling your Mom right now okay?" That made me mad. "I don't want her to know, she won't care" I said feeling tears forming in the corners of my eyes again.  
  
"Of course she will care" Brian said his voice warm and gentle. "No, she won't she will only wonder why I am not at the after party! I am just a paycheck to her that's all." I verbalized it. I felt it all along but I actually said it out loud. It sounded right, like something everyone already knew but me. It still hurt though. After I said that Kevin caressed my hair once again. HE knew I was right. Poor me. Last thing I really wanted was pity. I wanted love. At the moment, they were giving it to me. You know how baby chicks and geese, when they are first born, the first thing they come in contact with that shows them love they automatically imprint them as their parents, whether it be another goose or a dog or a person. Even a vacuum cleaner? Well, that is what happened to me when I woke up from passing out cold in Germany after that concert from hell. I awoke not to find my Mom or Dad, but my band brothers at my side. Giving me the love that I so desperately needed.  
  
"Everything will be okay little bro, you will see. Maybe your Mom will come out to visit now" Kevin gave AJ a hush sign. The last thing they wanted to do was build me up for a visit that they knew would never happen. "Doesn't matter, I know I will be okay. I have you guys" I smiled at them. Howie felt my forehead again, "Boy I think this kid is really sick. He just said something nice" I rolled my eyes making them all laugh.


	16. Motherless Child

I finally managed to get the nasty pain in my stomach to go away, it's funny how those early days, though fun in many ways, brought back so many horrible memories. I was right you know, my Mom never did come to see me after I got sick in Germany. She called and acted concerned. I think she was concerned, but she had too many kids at home to abandon to come and hold my hand. I think those were her exact words. I have come to understand my Mom and how she works but that has taken a long time including a brief period of time when I wouldn't even speak to her. We have always had a turbulent relationship but I never realized it fully, until I was very far away from her. It's the other guys that really made me understand how truly un-mother like Jane could be. All it took was seeing some of them with their parents. Shortly after I got very sick, Brian's Mom came out to visit. I was incredibly happy for him but also extremely jealous...  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~~*  
I sat in the back of the bus watching a video while in the main living area, The other guys were laughing it up with Mrs. Littrell. She came in early this morning for a surprise visit. She missed Brian and okayed it with Lou to come and join us for a few days. I had only met her a few times but I knew enough about his family to basically be able to move in and assume the role of son # 3. I have never seen Brian so happy as I did when that woman walked in to our tour bus with packages upon packages in her hand for her son. He did a back flip and flew into her arms, quickly followed by Kevin. I listened to her as she told us stories about Brian and Kevin as children. Such heart warming cute little stories that I have to admit were beginning to make me a little nauseous. So I excused myself and headed to the back of the bus, which is where I had been hiding ever since. I knew it probably looked rude of me to not stay and listen but I needed to get out of there. Seeing what Brian had, made me realize what I didn't have.  
  
Brian walked into the room and joined me on the couch. He sat next to me, "I don't blame you for leaving, I know those stories tend to be boring" I looked over at him. I wanted to apologize, but I didn't, only shrugged. "Is there something you want to talk about?" He asked me when I didn't even bother to answer him. "No, I'm okay just a little tired" I kept my eyes on the screen. I knew all Brian had to do was look me in the eyes to see my true feelings. That's how close we were. "Okay, If your sure" He got up to leave, "I just wanted to say that I will be staying with my Mom in the hotel for the next three days so you can have my bunk. I know you think it's more comfortable than yours"  
  
"All of your bunks are more comfortable than mine" I said still refusing to look up at him. "Okay..well. Bye then" He said kind of huffy, "Bye" He walked out, leaving me mad. Not at him really. Mad at her. My Mom.  
  
I listened as Mrs. Littrell said good-bye to all the guys one by one until finally peeking her head into my hiding spot. "See you later Nicky! I would love for you to join Brian and I for dinner tomorrow night." I smiled up at her, "Okay sure I would like that" She winked at me and left. I had no intention of really going out with them. I would make up some excuse later, but for the moment at least, I was happy that she was gone.  
  
I know it was so petty and small of me to be so incredibly jealous, but I was. It wasn't fair how easily other people's families were able to come out to visit, but not mine. I of course found myself on the phone with my Mom shortly after Brian and his Mom left for the hotel. I went and grabbed Howie's phone without even bothering to ask him if it was okay. I was on a mission.  
  
"Hello"  
  
"Hi Mom"  
  
"Oh Nick! Hey baby. How are you?"  
  
"I'm fine. I was wondering when do you think you'll be able to come out and visit?"  
  
She let out a long frustrated sigh. "Oh honey, not this again. Didn't we just go through this the other day? I can't come out now baby"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because, I just can't okay?"  
  
"Brian's Mom is here"  
  
"Good for Brian's Mom but she doesn't have any small kids at home to worry about." She was always going back to the small kids at home excuse. "I have a feeling even if she did have small kids at home, she would still find a way to be here"  
  
"Did you call just to make me feel bad Nickolas? Because if you did, congratulations it's working." I rolled my eyes at the phone. I wanted to hang up on her, but that would have been a BIG mistake. My mother could hold grudges for a very long time. "What about Dad?" She was getting really angry I could tell by the loud breathing on the other end of the line. She was probably pacing back and forth only as far as the phone cord would allow her to. "Dad is with Aaron"  
  
"Can't you send the other kids off with Dad and Aaron and then you could come here"  
  
"It's not that easy baby. Don't you think I want to come? I would love to be there with you. I just can't get there. You are a grown boy you should understand!" I didn't understand. I don't think I will ever understand. "But Mom.."  
  
"No, Nick. That's all, I will NOT have you upset me like this. I have to go, BJ and Leslie are fighting."  
  
"Okay, I'm sorry Mom tell everyone I said I love them okay?"  
  
"Okay love you too!" And she hung up on me. I closed my eyes before placing the phone back in Howie's bunk.  
  
"She's not coming huh?" AJ said startling me and making me jump back. He laughed at my reaction. "Sorry didn't mean for you to crap your pants!" I ignored him and went to Brian's bunk. I felt like being alone. That's all I ever felt like these days. Of course he followed me, "You know Kaos, I know she would want to come out but you have like a gaggle of sisters that she has to take care of. I wish my Mom could be here more often too" I turned to face him, was he kidding me? "AJ your Mom is always here! Christ she should just join the group!"  
  
"Easy man! I know you're upset but that was totally uncalled for. You are not the only person who wished their family were here so stop acting like it" He was right I was being a jerk but before I could apologize he was gone. So, I turned and went to my new bunk and took a nap.  
  
By the time I awoke from my nap, I was in a little better mood. I joined the rest of the guys in the back and plopped on the couch. They were in the middle of a movie, "What are you guys watching?" I asked more to get a read on the pissed at Nick-o-meter. "It's Amityville Horror" Howie said seeming not really interested in what he was watching. "Ew, that's a scary ass movie" I hated that movie, but there was nothing better to do, so I watched it. With my eyes closed. "So, why were you so rude to Aunt Jackie?" Kevin asked me as the credits rolled unread on the screen. "I didn't think I was rude"  
  
"I know, you never think you are rude, but walking out mid story was pretty rude Nick"  
  
"I'm sorry"  
  
"Don't apologize to me, apologize to her" Kevin walked out of the room. "Do we have anything tonight?" I asked AJ just to break the tension that Kevin's exit left in the air.  
"A small concert for some charity thing"  
  
"Oh"  
  
"Yeah I'm not sure what time it happens, I'm sure Kevin does though" He laughed under his breath. "AJ, I'm sorry about what I said before. I didn't mean it" He gave me a look, "I know, you were just being a bonehead that's all" I laughed. "Don't worry kid, your Mom will come out soon. Then you'll be begging her to leave."  
  
"She won't ever come out here AJ. She doesn't have the money, the time or the interest." He gave me a sympathetic look. He didn't tell me not to be stupid though. It's funny, none of them ever did when it came to my Mom. I think they all realized that everything that came out of my mouth was the truth. "I'm sorry buddy. We'll be home soon enough" I nodded. Not really feeling any better but learning to live with it.  
  
I decided to draw, it helped sometimes to draw. I noticed ever since my run in with Sheila, my drawings had all turned darker and more sinister looking. This one was no different. I found myself drawing my family. How I saw them. I gave my Dad really broad shoulders since he seemed to carry the family on his back. So laid back and gentle, I sometimes wondered how my Dad was able to put up with my Mom. I always feared he might find someone better one day and leave us all behind. He would never do that to us though. My sister Angel was next, I gave her a little halo to coincide with her name, even though her demeanor was far from angelic. She inherited my temper unfortunately. Aaron was on her left holding her hand. They were inseparable. I wonder how she felt not being able to be around my brother. It must have been hard for her. In his right hand, he held a big microphone. So big it was drooping at his side. He was too young to be on stage. Way too young, just like me. Behind the twins were my other two sisters Leslie and BJ. Both decked out in bright fluorescent colors to show their personalities. They were bright and happy people. For now anyway. I used to be too. I placed my Mom on a pedestal above the rest of the family holding her hands across her chest looking down on them. That was Mom always watching like a hawk. I put my self off in the top right hand corner of the page. I made myself really small, almost invisible. I was holding a sign, kind of like the signs that our fans held for us, the ones that said I love Nick or AJ's a sexy beast!  
  
The sign in my picture was short and simple. It read HEY I'M OVER HERE!!! Underneath the drawing, I wrote the Carter's. Under my self portrait, I placed in very small letters, sometimes I feel like I've never been born. How depressing am I? Wow I really do this teenager angsty stuff quite well don't I? I held my picture up to get a good look at it. "Whatcha got there?" I quickly moved it back down at my side. "Aw it's nothing Howie, just a picture" He smiled, "Can I see?" He asked trying to take it out of my hands. I pulled it away. "It's kind of personal" I said. "Okay" He walked away. I put it back in my bunk and thought all was forgotten until later that night after out concert.  
  
"Hey Nicky phone call" Howie screamed from the front of the bus. I ran towards him, "It's your Mom" I nodded and grabbed the phone. "Hi Mom"  
  
"Nick why did you feel it necessary to have one of your friends call me? Is it not bad enough that YOU call me and make me feel awful about not being able to come? Now you have Kevin do it too?" I had NO idea what she was talking about but I could tell that Howie did because once he saw the look on my face he booked it towards the back of the bus. I turned back to my Mother, "Mom I swear I didn't tell him to call. I had no idea he called you." She sounded like she had been crying, "Nick, you know I love you right?" No, Mom I don't. "Sure I do, Of course why would you even ask that?"  
  
"Because Kevin seems to think you feel like you are neglected" I wasn't prepared for this phone call. "I know you love me Mom. I know you try your hardest. I do" Now Kevin was standing there listening to our conversation, a look of regret across his face. I wanted to go and beat him senseless, or hug him. One or the other. That's how mixed up I was about the whole situation. She WAS crying I heard her sniffling. "Aw, Mom please don't cry. I just miss you a lot that's all"  
  
"I miss you too baby and as soon as I can I will get out there okay?"  
  
"Okay. I'm really sorry" I gave Kevin a look, "Kevin had NO right calling you behind my back" He had No right but I'm glad he did. I really am.  
  
"Yes, you are right about that" She huffed. Yup, it's official, My Mom hated Kevin, and probably will forever. Like I said she can hold a grudge. "I love you Momma"  
  
"I love you too Nick and I MEAN it I do. With all of my heart" When we got off the phone Kevin was still standing there. I looked over at him. Not really sure what to say to the guy. "I'm sorry Nick, I was just concerned so I called her. I didn't mean for it to cause more friction between the two of you"  
  
"Why were so concerned?" He sat down and motioned for me to sit next to him, "I saw your drawing" I shook my head in disgust. "That was private property Kevin"  
  
"I know but Howie wanted me to see it"  
  
"Howie shouldn't have seen it either"  
  
"I know but after AJ saw it he brought it to Howie" I laughed. "AJ shouldn't have seen it either!"  
  
"We were just concerned" I just sat staring at him. "I know. Thanks" I got up to walk away. "You know Nick, she does love you" I stopped and didn't say I know, just smiled at his attempt to make me feel better.  
  
The next day brought a phone call from Brian wondering if I wanted to have breakfast with him and his Mom. I really didn't want to. I knew it would just make me feel worse, so I made up an excuse saying my stomach still hurt. Kevin joined them instead. After Kevin left I wandered over to AJ, "Hey! What gave you the right to go through my personal property?"  
  
"I was just curious"  
  
"Well, curiosity killed the cat!" I don't even know where that saying came from. It just seemed to fit here, so I used it. He gave me a look like I was crazy. "Sometime I don't get you Nick! What goes on in that little head of yours. I'm sorry for going through your things, but I WILL do it again if I feel the need!" What was he my Dad or something?  
  
"Maybe I should go through your stuff AJ!" He gave me an I dare you too kind of look. "Howie said it seemed like you were hiding something, so I thought I'd investigate"  
  
"I wasn't hiding anything J, just expressing my feelings that's all"  
  
"You know, you should have gone out with Brian and his Mom"  
  
"That wouldn't have helped"  
  
"Wouldn't have hurt either"  
  
"Yes, it would have" I sounded so pathetic. He pat my back. Truthfully, I kind of wished I had gone out with them. Ah well.  
  
They brought me back a doggie bag. They brought us all back something. Mrs. Littrell looked on lovingly as we ate the food they brought us, It was very nice of them to think of us. I couldn't help but notice that her eyes always fixated back to me. She placed her hand on top of my own and I smiled at her. "Hey sweetie, would you like to come back to the hotel with Brian and I tonight?"  
  
"Oh no, I wouldn't want to interfere"  
  
"I wouldn't invite you if I didn't want you there. What do you say?" I looked over to Brian to see if he had any problem with it. The smile on his face told me that he wanted me to be there. "Okay" I said hesitantly.  
  
I'm so glad I decided to go because I had such a great time, we played cards and ate ice cream. I was jealous and uncomfortable for the first few hours just looking at the clock wondering when I could go to sleep. Mrs. Littrell helped me get over that really quickly by including me in every conversation. She was asking me about my life, my dreams and most importantly, it seemed like she was really interested. We all talked the night away. When Mom Littrell, as she asked me to call her, went to sleep, Brian and I stayed up playing UNO and talking.  
  
"So, did you have a good time?" Bri asked me peering over his twelve cards he was holding. "Yes, I did" I said throwing down a draw four card. "Oh that hurt! Nick I'm wounded!" I laughed.  
  
"Thanks for inviting me" He winked at me. "Hey who do you think you are Howie?"  
  
"Shhh, not so loud your gonna wake up Mom" he paused for a minute just watching her sleep soundly, "I don't want her to leave tomorrow"  
  
"I know, I'm sorry Brian, but I'm glad you got to see her, I really am" And I was. I loved seeing Brian so happy.  
  
He wasn't happy when it was time for his Mom to leave though, she came over to me and slipped a note in my pocket. She then hugged Brian for so long that I thought security would have to come and break it up. When she left Brian was blue, so he and Kevin went off somewhere to talk.  
  
I felt the paper in my pocket, took it out and read it.  
  
Dear Nick,  
  
I hope you realize how important you are to my son.  
You have obviously touched his life in more ways than you  
could ever imagine. Because of that I love you! Think of me as your  
other Mom and know that I am here if you EVER need me for anything.  
I know your Mom loves you and cares about you, but there can NEVER be too many Moms. Take care sweetheart!  
  
Much Love,  
  
Mom Littrell  
  
I'm sure Kevin had managed to tell her about my little self portrait, but I didn't care. I was so happy when I read that. I never did call her but it was nice to know that she was there if I ever needed to. Deep down I knew my own Mother was there too. I just needed proof sometimes, that's all...  



	17. Poor Shania! I Feel Your Pain

I took one final look at myself in the mirror before finally venturing out to join my waiting friends. I opened the door to find Howie and Kevin sitting at the little table in the corner of the table and AJ still laying down on my bed flipping through channels. Kev looked up and smiled at me, "It's about time. We thought you fell in"  
  
"I'm ready when you guys are" I said grabbing my long thin coat. None of them moved. I walked over to the center of the room, "Um...hello people...don't we have a party to go to?"  
  
"Relax Kaos, Management just called and said they aren't ready for us yet" I laughed and threw my coat down on the bed purposely covering AJ in the process. We all got a laugh when he didn't even bother taking it off his head and laid there as if it was a natural occurrence. "I knew I was rushing for no reason" I said at the beginning of a yawn. "Gotta love hurry up and wait" D said as he continued to flip through a newspaper.  
  
The scene reminded me of the many times we would be held up in hotel rooms waiting for the bus to be moved into position for us to make a run for it. I hated that, to me it was the worst thing about the fame. Running for your life to get from point A to point B.  
The first time we had to do it, took us all by surprise. We knew we had a following but had no idea how much of a following we had developed. Lou and Johnnie claimed it was that photoshoot for Bravo, whatever the reason, we weren't ready for it...  
~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~~*  
We were told to sit and wait in the hotel room while they brought the bus around. I was restless, I found these days I was either so exhausted that I could barely move, or I was hyper, ready to jump out of my skin. Today was the latter for me. We were supposed to be out of here over an hour ago, at an interview for German TV. I still didn't fully understand why they interviewed us, since they couldn't understand a word any of us said, but I guess they still liked us right?  
  
"Looks like something is going on out there" Kevin said while sipping on water. Then he turned to face us, "I bet there was an accident or something in front of the hotel"  
  
"Makes sense, maybe that is why we're running so late" Brian said looking up from the video game he was playing. He was a little surprised when I said I didn't feel like playing, but like I said, I was having a very hard time sitting still today. "I ran over to Kevin and looked out the window, almost knocking him down in the process, "Gee, Nick watch where you are going!"  
  
"Sorry" I put my nose to the glass looking for the police cars or an ambulance, something to make Kevin's explanation viable. "Kevin, do the police come out for accidents in Germany?" He shrugged, "I would think so. Why?"  
  
"Because I don't see any, as a matter of fact I don't see an accident at all" I didn't see one but there was a crowd gathered. A big crowd. "Hey, maybe there's someone famous staying here" I said turning to my band brothers getting all excited. I had heard a rumor that Shania Twain was in Germany and was hoping we would run into her. She was HOT! I started bouncing "Maybe Shania is here!" They laughed.  
  
"God will somebody give that kid a sedative before he bounces out of his shoes?" AJ said from his position on the bed. I couldn't help it, we had met some famous people in our time together, but nobody that I actually liked. I know that sounds bad, I don't mean it to, it's just that meeting Shania Twain would make my butt tingly. That's what happens when I meet someone really really famous, my butt tingles. Almost like it is numb. Yeah I think I will keep that thought to myself though. AJ could have loads of fun with that one.  
  
"People are screaming outside" Howie said before looking my way, "Maybe your right Nicky, maybe there is someone larger than life here" I started to happily bounce again, "I knew it I knew it I knew it!" I grabbed my jacket and headed for the door. Kevin stood up and grabbed my arm, "Slow down there buddy, where do you think you are going?"  
  
"I want to see who is here, I'm just gonna peek downstairs, anyone want to come?" I said glaring at Brian with my famous, let's have an adventure, look. He laughed and handed his joystick to AJ and wandered over to me. "We will be right back" I said as I opened the door.  
  
"What if Lou comes looking for us while you're gone?"  
  
"We'll already be downstairs Gomer!" Gomer was my nickname for Kevin when he started to get uptight. It was the name of my Mother's Chihuahua. That's what Kevin reminded me of when he was all stressed out, A giant Chihuahua. "Okay well hurry back!" I nodded as we closed the door, I could swear I heard him yipping. "Let's go" I said like we were on our way to Disneyland or something, "Man why are you so hyped up today?" Brian asked as he tried to catch up with my skip down the hall. "Don't know, just happy I guess"  
  
"I'm glad, you know, lately seeing you this happy has been very rare" I grabbed his cheeks, "Awww that was so sad" I pressed the elevator button at least fifty times, it was a habit, you know, you press it until it opens. "I mean it Kaos, you have been very low since we have been here" I tried to ignore this little conversation, I was in a good mood. I was possibly gonna encounter one of the women of my dreams, I didn't need Brian to spoil it for me. "I have just been moody" I said in my best German accent, "Come now girlie man, let us go see the hot lady"  
  
"That was the worst Arnold impression I have ever heard" Brian said through a smile as we boarded the elevator for the lobby. As we got closer and closer to the lobby, you could here the girls screaming, this bummed me out. Girls wouldn't be screaming for Shania, no it was probably a guy. Eh, if it was a super famous guy though that would be cool. Maybe Brian and I could get our pictures taken with him. Add a nice photo in the Backstreet Boys scrapbook.  
  
The elevator door opened and the rest happened very fast. Brian and I were just about to step off the elevator when the girls who were waiting in the lobby turned our way, One of them had my face on a poster with I love Nick written underneath. She screamed which set off a chain reaction, suddenly there were fifty girls running towards the elevator, screaming for us. Screaming for us? It felt like a dream, at the moment more like a nightmare. I screamed in a panic and started to hit any button I could to get the doors to close, by now Brian had joined me in screaming. The girls were almost at the elevator one of them even putting their hand in the car, so what did I do? Being the boy who is so brave and smart? I hit her hand until she let go. Then the doors closed and we were safe.  
  
Brian and I looked at each other not sure what that was all about. I think we were both in shock. The elevator door opened and in silence we walked all the way back to the hotel room.  
  
"Who was it?" Howie asked as we both walked in and sat down, still not saying anything. "Well?"  
  
"Everything alright? Did you get caught? I knew you were gonna get in trouble" Kevin yipped form the window. Howie tried again this time tapping my shoulder, "Nicky? Who was down there?"  
  
"Nobody" I stared at Brian and he seemed as amazed as me. He continued where I left off, "I think those people are here..for ...us" AJ snorted, "No freakin way!"  
  
"When we got down there, girls had signs saying I love Nick"  
  
"What other band has a Nick in it?" I asked, I lived in the state of denial, "Nick come on, they had your face on the poster, those people were screaming for us." Suddenly Brian's shocked face turned into a grin, "Oh my God, that was for us" You could tell he had a light bulb moment.  
  
"Do you mean to tell me, that entire crowd out there is for us?" AJ said jumping up and running to the window, he seemed to catch my energy suddenly. Both Brian and I nodded, "That's impossible, isn't it?"  
  
"How the hell do we get out of here then? If there a ton of fans out there waiting for us?" yip! yip! yip! "Kevin take a minute to think about this, those people are there for us!" Then I felt it too, I was so excited but yet the biggest feeling of uneasiness swept over me. Why us? This brings things to a whole new level now. My face was on that poster. How weird is that?  
  
We were in the midst of trying to absorb this strange concept. It shouldn't have been that strange because we encountered screaming girls everywhere we went. It's just that they were never anywhere but the venue or the studio, and even so, ten maybe fifteen at the tops. Lou and Johnnie walked in, "Hello boys I think we're ready to move."  
  
"Did you see that huge crowd?" Kevin asked him pointing to the window. The grin on Lou's face was his answer but he found himself going to look out the window anyway. "Isn't it great? You have arrived gentlemen. This is the first of many many moments you will remember. Take it all in boys, take it all in"  
  
I had Lou's words ringing in my ears as the elevator doors opened into the lobby. There were a few security guards trying to hold the screaming girls at bay. My heart raced as we walked through the huge crowd. Girls were trying to grab at my clothes, grabbing for anything they could get their hands on. A girl managed to get a chunk of AJ's hair as he walked. He cried out in pain as Kevin tried to pry her hands off of him. I was too busy watching all that excitement to realize that a few girls where right behind me, When I heard them scream I turned which is all they needed to succeed in knocking me to the floor. Next thing I knew three girls were on top of me screaming. I started to scream in a panic. They weren't even looking at me, they were just screaming. Finally security managed to get them off of me and grabbing me by the collar, the guy walked me out the door.  
  
When we got into the bus, those girls who where inside screaming at us, had now ran outside and began to bang on the bus. All we could do was stand there and watch in disbelief. None of us were smiling or jumping for joy. Funny, it was a different reaction from what I pictured. It's like it hit us, our fame, our popularity, our spotlight, like a ton of bricks. The first time any of us had experienced it. We stood in awe just watching these girls crying and banging on the windows wondering what made us worthy of all of that? I wonder if that is what Shania felt like.  
  



	18. Fame! I’m gonna live forever....blech!

"I wonder how many people are gonna be at this party?" AJ asked throwing his legs on top of the table, now he had switched positions with Kevin who was sitting on the bed. Howie on the other chair at the table and me standing at the window.  
  
"I will be happy if at least ten fans show up"  
  
"Oh come on J there will be more than that" Kevin said, sounding a little put off by AJ's statement.  
  
"I don't know guys, it's not how it used to be with us, our popularity is waning. Unfortunately"  
  
"Yeah I know, but there will be the real ones, our real fans who will remain" I said. I never gave up hope that there would people there screaming our names. Even though it may not be as loud as before, our names will still be shouted with as much adoration as always.  
  
"I hope you're right Kaos, I don't feel as loved as I used too"  
  
"Things change AJ, but they still love us, you'll see"  
  
If you had asked me about 8 years ago, if I would have ever had to say that to AJ, I would have never believed, but then again I would have never believed how quickly our fame would escalate either. The craziness, the screaming, the hiding in our hotel rooms, the stalkers, I would have never believed any of it.  
  
But it has all been true.  
  
"When is Brian gonna grace us with an appearance?"  
  
"Soon I think. I know we are going to all go down together"  
  
"Does he know we are meeting up here?" I asked, Kevin shrugged and then picked up my phone to dial his room.  
  
Nope the fame didn't seem real at the time. Now that it is diminishing a bit, it almost feels like a dream. A beautiful dream at it's best and a horrible nightmare at it's worst  
___________________________________________  
  
"You hired a what?" Kevin asked walking closer to Lou to make sure he heard right.  
  
"A body guard, actually three of them"  
  
"Why? They are only girls!"  
  
"That's true AJ and one girl may be no problem, a hundred girls on the other hand?"  
  
"The more the merrier" He said gleaming.  
  
I was happy we had guards now, I was starting to dread going out in public. The way they screamed, poked and prodded at us, made me terrified sometimes.  
  
"It's for your own safety, the three of them will follow you everywhere you go"  
  
"But, there are five of us Lou" I whispered to our boss, who I feared more and more with each passing day. There was more to him then that gentle papa thing he would've liked us to believe. He was in this for money. He smiled at me and patted my head, "I know son, but for now three guys can fend off any overly excited girls. Don't worry you'll be safe"  
  
I didn't really believe him but I nodded. At least three was better than nothing. Lou left and returned with the three huge men, I was amazed how tall they were, they looked like they could step on me and squash me like a bug. We shook their hands and then they positioned themselves outside our hotel room door.  
  
"Wow guys, we have our own body guards. How freaky is that?" Brian said proudly, also some uneasiness in his voice. I think we were all unsure how to deal with the fame. It was everything we ever wanted but yet, when it arrived, it came like a tornado. It wasn't like anything we had expected.  
  
Girls would occasionally pass by, screaming our names very loudly so we could hear them. every time it happened, we would stop playing cards, or Nintendo and just look at the door. My heart skipped a beat with every shout. It scared me, wasn't comforting at all. Where were these girls when I was in school? These same girls, if they went to my school would probably have made fun of me, calling me scrawny and teasing me because of the people I hung around. I am the same Nick as before, yet now, I have girls screaming for me.  
  
They did love me too. I'm not even being silly or conceited. Just stating a fact. For whatever reason, they seemed to be drawn to me. Kevin thinks it's because I am the baby of the group. The same age as most of them. That's probably the case, but ever since we have gained all this extra attention, the reporters have also changed their line of questioning. The question "Do you have a girlfriend" began to pop up out of nowhere.  
  
The first time I was asked that I sounded like a stuttering fool. That's something else that I noticed about myself, now I have picked up this stutter. I get tongue tied and sound like an idiot. Lou told me to stop talking altogether, just smile and be the cute one everyone wants me to be. The first time I was asked that I sounded like a stuttering fool. That's something else that I noticed about myself, now I have picked up this stutter. I get tongue tied and sound like an idiot. Lou told me to stop talking altogether, just smile and be the cute one everyone wants me to be.  
  
The press people would flash pictures and yell to me all at the same time" Nick over here! Smile for us Nick! Nick! Nick! give us a sexy look!"  
  
Sexy look? How in the hell do you make a sexy look? So I would scrunch my face up only to hear J whisper in my ear, "You look constipated Kaos"  
  
My head would spin after those things. How odd my life had become. Then we would be led out, back to the minivan only to be held up by more people screaming our names. Asking ridiculous questions in broken English.  
  
"Why do they do that?"  
  
"Do what kiddo?" Brian asked me as he wiped his head with a towel.  
  
"Mob us like that? Those creepy press guys yelling and asking us questions, they asked me if I was on drugs"  
  
"Well, are you?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"You sure? Because sometimes you act like a crack head!"  
  
"That's enough J, can't you see the boy is flustered?" Howie defended.  
  
"That's their job Nick that's all"  
  
"Well, then they need to get a better job because that's just sleazy!"  
  
"Amen brother!" Kevin said as he looked at the oncoming crowd surrounding the minivan. "Now how the hell are we supposed to get out of here?" He asked the driver, the driver, not Hans, but some new guy, just shrugged.  
  
The crowd was swarming around us now and starting to bang on the windows making the van shake back and forth, "God! Put you seatbelts on guys, they are gonna knock us over!" Kevin said making a grab for his seatbelt. I was really scared now, I was sure they were gonna do just that, knock us on our side. The van was shaking with such force, it felt like we were gonna be turned over. One of the windows, right by my head cracked from the pressure of the girls banging, I screamed only to have Kevin grab me and cover my head in his arms. "This is insane" AJ yelled over the roar of the crowd.  
  
The van driver honked as we rocked back and forth, girls screaming and crying, not even aware of how they were putting our lives in danger. I was yelling "STOP IT STOP IT!!" but was muffled in Kevin's arms. He was shaking too. None of us wanted to be pushed over. "Is your seat belt on Nick?" Kev whispered to me, I shook my head no. "Okay then hold on to me if we go over alright?" He spoke calmly, like it was an everyday kind of occurrence.  
  
Then the sirens in the distance gave us hope that we would get out of there in one piece. The police came and made the crowd disperse, it took about an hour or so, but eventually we were on our way. I didn't take my head out of Kevin's arms until we got to the venue. I didn't want them to see me crying again. Truth is, If I could've fit, I would've tried to squeeze myself into one of his pockets and not come out until we were safe at our destination.  
  
Truth is we were finally famous and I hated it!


	19. Heartthrobs and Nervous Breakdowns

I don't know why, but after that day, the day when those fans almost knocked our van over, everything changed for me. I found myself afraid of people, sad and most of all lonely. I could have tons of people surrounding me, which I mostly did all the time, but still, surrounded by laughter and people shouting my name I still felt all alone. It was rough for me. Just thinking about it now as an adult, I can close my eyes and go back to those sad and lonely feelings. Too easily, which means they aren't completely gone yet.  
  
"Whatcha thinking about Nick?" AJ asks me as I look away from the window and greet his question with a smile.  
  
"I don't know, just the old days"  
  
"Yeah, this week has made me get all nostalgic too."  
  
"We've been through a lot together guys, do you realize that?" Kevin asked. He was always the one to keep us in check, make us realize what we had every step of the way. He has been the rock of this group. The rock that we all leaned on, God especially me. I leaned on him more than I even care to remember. He was always there, offering advice, or a warm hug.  
  
As if reading my mind, Kevin joined me over at the window, placing his arm around me, "Yes we have been through it all, good and the bad. Right little man?" I nodded. Kevin was the only one who knew about my little breakdown in Germany. He was right there for every little agonizing step of it.  
  
I closed my eyes and once again, my mind travelled back to the hotel, on a dark, cold night in Germany. Coming back from almost being turned over by a mob of frenzied fans, I began to lose it. It all became to much for me...  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
I didn't say much to anybody after almost dying in our van. I know I tend to exaggerate on occasion, but this time I meant it. If those people had managed to turn us over, we would have died. Simple as that. Kevin was pissed, he marched right into the suite we were staying in, and called Lou on the phone telling him about our little episode. Lou laughed, he said it was great publicity for us, this will make the young girls even more curious. He said. So much for being a big protective Papa. First evidence of how sleazy the music business is, ladies and gentlemen Lou Pearlman!  
  
The body guards tried their hardest to keep us safe but what could they do, they were in the van with us. But Lou fired them, just the same. More for a dramatic effect than because of incompetence. So once again, we were left to fend for ourselves. I was getting used to feeling that way. It was beginning to feel natural to me, feeling like I was alone. No parents, No adults who cared anywhere in sight.  
  
I was empty  
  
That night, I had one nightmare after the other of people pulling and prodding at me, people claiming they loved me then turning into monsters. The guys saying they would protect me only to disappear when I needed them. I would call out for help, but they wouldn't show. Nobody did.  
  
I jumped up from one nightmare and awoke to another, finding a girl standing right over me with a camera in her hand. More giggling was heard as three other girls were in the room with me. I jumped up and screamed. They returned the scream and while I was clad only in my pajama bottoms, they asked me for my autograph. I was shaking, "H,how did you get in here!" I demanded to know.  
  
They didn't answer. Only shrieked some more. By now the sound of screaming brought Kevin running into my room. "Nick! What is going on are you alright?"  
  
"Yes, just have some company" I said feeling a little more at ease with the sound of Kevin's voice. He opened up the door and joined us in my room. "And what are you ladies doing in here?" He asked them, now they had the nerve to sound annoyed. "We were just asking him for his autograph when he freaked out" One of the girls said.  
  
"Well, you need to go, you shouldn't even be in here" He said ushering the girls out of the door leaving me standing on my bed, which is where I ended up like they were snakes or something, shaking and sweaty.  
  
After they left, Kevin just stood there looking at me, concern evident on his face. "You okay Nick?" He asked me giving me his hand to help me down. I nodded. My heart still doing double time in my chest. "Okay, are you sure?" He asked me once again. I nodded. "Where's Howie?" I asked, realizing my roomie was nowhere in sight. "He went out clubbing with AJ. Do you want to stay in my room until he comes back?" Now I felt like a child. So as much as I wanted to, I said no.  
  
The rest of the night, I spent with the lights on playing video games. We had a five AM wake up call again so I didn't even bother trying to sleep. The next thing I knew it was morning and I was covered and laying in my bed. Howie must have put me there, since he was now snoring in the bed next to mine. I walked over to wake him up, then I jumped in the shower, ready to start another day as Nick the popstar.  
  
We had an interview for Viva Interactive that morning. It was a pretaped show to be shown later that night. We had to arrive at the studio by 8 AM which meant in make up and wardrobe by 6:30. They would be spending a whole hour with the Backstreet boys the new "Phenomenon" sweeping Europe. We were to sing two songs, take fan questions and get drilled by the host. Yeah that is gonna be a funfilled hour for me.  
  
Just before going on the air, Lou pulled me aside and warned me to not say anything stupid. Keep my mouth shut unless specifically asked a question. Just grin and act cute. What I did best. What I did best? Funny I thought my singing was what I did best. We were ushered out on stage and there was an audience of about two hundred people, all girls, with the exception of a few guys who didn't look happy at all to be there, my guess is father's or boyfriends not having a choice.  
  
I felt self conscious. I always did these days. Like the whole world was watching and waiting for the young cute one to make a mistake. Most of the time, they didn't have to wait long. I made many mistakes. People started writing that I was stupid, the dumb but cute blonde said this or the dimwitted youngest member said that. So the Backstreet baby said nothing at all anymore, only when asked, even then it had to be pried out of me.  
  
We sang first, We've Got It Goin On, which went well, followed by the host asking us questions, he asked the usual stuff, nothing unexpected. Until, "So Nick?" My stomach turned at the sound of my name, I looked up from the floor and smiled at him, girls started to scream. Why? I have no idea, "What do you think about being considered a heart throb?" More screams almost impossible to hear what the guy was saying, all of my band mates looked over at me, waiting for my answer. "Heart throb?" I asked.  
  
"Yes, you are a sex symbol, don't you hear all the girls screaming your name?" He provoked them to scream once again. I held my hands to my ears until AJ hit me. I looked over to see both Lou and Johnnie glaring at me. "Um.. I don't think I'm a sex symbol, I'm only 15 years old" The guy laughed, so did the boys. Was that dumb? I thought to myself? Probably. Everything I say is dumb.  
  
Luckily after seeing how poorly I handled that one, he left me alone. I just stayed looking at the floor just praying that this would soon be over. During one of the breaks, Lou walked over and asked "What the hell was that all about? You cover your ears and then say I'm only 15? Nick you are not a child, you say yes, I'm a sex symbol, wanna have sex with me? Wink wink " Okay there were soo many things wrong with that I couldn't even begin to process.  
  
If I thought that was bad, it was nothing compared to the fan questions, that's when my sanity went bye bye. It started off innocent enough, asking us the stupid what's your favorite color questions and the boxers or briefs question. But then I got hit. Hit hard and unexpectedly not once, not twice but three times in a row.  
  
"This question is for Nick. Nick are you still a virgin?" I opened my eyes ready to answer, it wasn't the first time I had been asked, maybe the first time on TV though, but when I looked up, I couldn't say a word. It was Sheila asking the question. "Well?" She asked winking at me, I wanted to run from the stage, run and hide. "Yes" I said looking back down at the floor, almost to the point of tears. If I said no to that question, there would be no telling what Lou would do. The youngest had to also be the purest.  
  
"Okay then, well if you ever need me to fix that for you" She said winking at me, while the crowd wooho'd in the background. I wanted to scream at her, NO YOU ALREADY DID BITCH! YOU RAPED ME REMEMBER? But I stayed quiet, I pretended to yawn so I could wipe the tears that were forming in my eyes away. I thought no one noticed, but Kevin's gaze told me otherwise. He mouthed are you okay? I just nodded.  
  
Then question number two "Nick, I was wondering how you feel about being away from your family? I noticed AJ's Mom is always around but we never really see yours" I took a deep breath, trying to mask my sadness. "I miss my family" Was all I said. At least it was all I was able to get out. Question three was what really did it to me, well, considering I was already reeling from seeing Sheila there, this didn't help AT ALL!  
  
"Yes, this question is for Nick, Nick I was wondering if you were gay. If not maybe we could try it together. What do you say?" An older gentlemen asked, he was creepy looking and Viva's own security was on top of that right away. "Cut that one off the tape" the host said giving me a sympathetic smile. I was beyond reassuring smiles though, I ran off the stage at that break, while they removed the creepy guy and I went into the bathroom puking my guts up. I felt a gentle hand rubbing my back while I vomited. "It's okay little man, there are some awful people in the world, don't worry about it. You're safe kiddo"  
  
I turned to Kevin and just hugged him crying my eyes out, He was surprised but let me cry. "What's wrong?" He asked me in a whisper. "Everything" I said, I wanted to tell him so much but the stage hand banging on the door would have it wait. We would talk back at the hotel. I stood up and poured some cold water on my face. Kevin giving me one more reassuring hug, we walked back out to the screaming adoring fans.  



	20. Porcelain Masks

"What's wrong?" Kevin whispered to me, just like he did all those years ago. I never looked away from the window, "You remember Germany?" I asked him. He didn't answer, but the shift I saw his body take, was as clear as a firm yes.  
  
"Why are you letting your mind go back there?" He asked, the guys laughing in the background, not listening to what we were saying. It appeared that Brian had walked in. I hadn't even noticed. I was to absorbed in my memories.  
  
"I don't know" I answered. "It has just come running back to me, all of it"  
  
"Maybe that's what you need" He said gently placing his hand on my shoulder, just like he did back then. Funny really, all the time that had passed, yet, here we were, living almost parallel existence's.  
  
That night after the horrid interview, we went to the after party. I really would have just preferred going back to the hotel, but we had to smile for the reporters and act like we were the happiest kids in the universe. I learned about masks then, from the main chameleon of us all AJ.  
  
He could be so down that it was scary sometimes. If I thought I had my moody times, it was nothing compared to him. Sometimes he would roll himself into a little ball and cry his eyes out about something, usually having to do with his love life or home, and not ten minutes later, he could wipe all those emotions away and paste on a happy smile as if his world was not falling apart.  
  
Those masks caught up to him eventually, almost got me too.  
  
I first tried on my mask that day when I went to that after party. I was already so sad, I wanted to just fall to the floor and cry. I couldn't though, so I took a deep breath and walked out of that bathroom with Kevin, mask firmly in place. Little did I know that the mask I chose was made of porcelain and would eventually break into a billion pieces...  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*  
We walked down this huge hallway lined with photographers from every magazine you could think of in Germany, they snapped so many pictures of me that I couldn't even see straight anymore. All I saw were little white dots, little white dots and hearing my name screamed from all directions. It was like a zoo, and we were the main attraction.  
  
People poking and prodding me all the way down the long hallway from hell.  
  
Finally the hallway dumped us into a huge room filled with food and alcohol, and even more annoying photographers and press people. Before I could even get my bearings, Lou came up behind me, "Go mingle" He said, literally pushing me into the crowd. It swallowed me whole.  
  
I instantly looked for any of the guys, but just like me, they disappeared into the abyss. Then I ran into her again, standing right in front of me, blocking my view. Sheila.  
  
"Hello Nick how are you doing honey?" she asked me, placing her hand on my shoulder. I felt so small.  
  
"I'm looking for my friends" I said trying to rush past her, but I was soon stopped by the host of the show.  
  
"Hey! There you are, good job today very good job. I see you have met Sheila" He said acknowledging her with a wink and a smile.  
  
"Yes" I answered not making eye contact at all.  
  
"Sorry about the question, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable" She said, "Clause thought it would be a good idea, to throw it in there, you know, stir up the pot" I looked at the host, "It was your idea for her to ask me that?" I asked him, He looked unaffected by my anger. "Yes we need to keep things interesting" He then bent over me and kissed Sheila on the lips, "Thanks honey, I'm gonna go greet some more people, I'll see you at home" He said to the woman.  
  
"See you at home?" I asked her.  
  
"Yes silly, Clause is my husband"  
  
"Your husband?" I asked still thinking I wasn't hearing right. She laughed.  
  
"Yes, my husband, don't worry, he knows about our little fling"  
  
"Little fling?" I repeated raising my voice just a little more.  
  
"Nick please you must keep your voice down honey"  
  
I was loosing it, and Kevin seeing my face flushed with anger made his way next to me, "Hey little man what's the problem buddy? Hello" He said to Sheila.  
  
"What's the problem?" I asked him.  
  
"He seems to keep repeating everything like a sexy little parrot" She said to Kevin flirting with him, while her husband was only about a foot away.  
  
"Sexy little parrot?"  
  
"See, he did it again, well I must be going" She said and as she bent over to give me a kiss on the cheek, I recoiled from her as if she was made of venom. This brought about another laugh, "Lighten up Nick really relax you are to young to be so serious" With that being said she walked away.  
  
"Lighten up?" I repeated once again. Kevin thought that was amusing, but I was ready to explode. I needed to get out of there. I started walking to the door, "Where are you going?" Lou said stepping in front of me.  
  
"I need some air"  
  
"You can breathe later. Mingle now" He said.  
  
"But Lou.."  
  
"No buts Nick, please, this party is for you son, enjoy yourself, drink it all in"  
  
I WAS drinking it all in and drowning in the process.  
  
I stood there in a corner of this huge room, crowded with people who knew me only as a popstar, and I lost it. I had my arms wrapped around me to try to hide myself from the onlookers. People who passed me, said "aw, how cute", or "I heard he is a virgin", or "do you think he does drugs?" or, "How could his mother get him into this business?" They would talk about me, as if I wasn't there, had no feelings. But I did. And it hurt like hell.  
  
The others seemed unphased by it all. Maybe they were better at masking it than I was. I felt a tear run down my cheek. Great, I was crying now, super! Oh yeah, I would do just fine in this business. What the hell is wrong with you Carter?  
  
I caught his eye from across the room once again, Kevin, the ultimate mind reader. He was talking to a bunch of people but when he saw the anxious expression on my face, he excused himself and came over to me. I tried to turn my face into the wall so he wouldn't be able to tell I was crying, but it was no use.  
  
"Nick, what is the matter?" He asked me gently putting his hand on my shoulder.  
  
"I need to leave Kevin" I said, scared of the shakiness I heard in my voice. I sounded like I had been left in a freezer, that's how bad I was stuttering. He pulled my chin in towards his warm green eyes, "Okay buddy, I'll make an excuse for us to leave okay?"  
  
"Okay, but Lou won't let us"  
  
"Sure he will, when he sees how upset you are, he'll let us leave, excuse me a minute while I go find him" Poor Kevin I knew already that Lou couldn't care less, I think Kevin was not as untrusting, he probably believed in Santa until he was 12 or something. I knew he would come back and say that Lou said no, I just had to wait.  
  
While I did, I heard more people discussing me. Two girls who were standing about three feet away from me, talking about last night. "Yeah I heard he was such a little jerk, he didn't even sign an autograph or anything"  
  
"He can't afford to be rude, not in this business"  
  
"Yeah I know what you mean, tomorrow he might be working at a Mc Donald's somewhere" They both laughed.  
  
I closed my eyes then, I sat down against the wall and shut my eyes. People and music all around me, people probably taking my picture but not coming over to help. Coldness everywhere. That is the business I have become a part of. AJ and Brian had made there way over to me, "are you okay Kaos?" Brian asked me, squatting down next to me. I didn't answer him, I didn't want to break down. Not here. Not now.  
  
They just stood there looking at me, until Kevin came over.  
  
"Come on kiddo, let's go back to the hotel" He said giving me a hand to get up, "Is he alright? Kevin what's going on?" Brian demanded to know.  
  
"It's nothing. Kaos here doesn't feel well so I am taking him back to the hotel" I'm not sure why Kevin lied for me right then, but I was grateful.  
  
"Lou said we can go?" I asked as we walked out the door.  
  
"No, but we're leaving anyway"  
  
When we got to the hotel I barely spoke, just put on my pajamas and rolled myself into one of those AJ balls of grief. I was so sad I was shaking. Kevin didn't press, he only sat next to me telling me everything would be okay.  
  
Finally over some hot tea, about an hour later I spilled my guts about everything, about home, about Sheila, about how empty I felt, how alone and scared I was. He didn't offer me advice. He felt the same way I think, he only offered me his understanding. That and a warm hug, a few of them in fact.  
  
We never spoke about it again, he promised he wouldn't tell a soul. It was like the night never existed at all. Nobody asked about why I left, how I felt or anything, even Lou didn't bring it up. Life just went on as always.  
  
For me though, it always will exist as my lonely and lowest place. A place that I would visit from time to time.  



	21. That’s just the way it is!

So many bad things happened in Germany the first time we ever dared to cross the Atlantic and travel overseas. I left a boy I came back a man. True I was still only fifteen but, I was changed. Forever hardened to my feelings and other people's actions. It's sad actually. Many things happened after my breakdown that night, for one thing, Kevin NEVER left me alone with Lou ever again. He promised not to say anything about Sheila and the photoshoot I was sent on, but he really wanted too. Instead he promised he would always be within arms reach of me, to pull me out if things were getting to rough, now as a 23 year old man, he still does that from time to time.  
  
The second thing that came about as a result of my little breakdown was learning how to say no. It was hard, and at times it still is, but when things are getting too overwhelming, I step back and say NO! At the top of my lungs. I don't care if a thousand people hear me and think I'm a freak. It's not about them, it's about me.  
  
I also learned not to trust. That unfortunately has also stuck with me. All of us suffer from that one equally.  
  
Brian came over and gave me a friendly hug, which pulled me out of my thoughts once again. I looked over to him and smiled. "Were you daydreaming?" He asked me, looking a little confused by my facial expressions possibly.  
  
"Don't worry about it B, he has been doing that all night" AJ said grabbing Kevin's camcorder and walking around us like he was a reporter, "So tell me Mr. Carter, if there is one thing you have learned from being a Backstreet Boy what has it been?" I think about what I could possibly say, that could be witty, yet funny, but I am at a loss for words so I borrow, words of wisdom that my father said to me on one lonely phone call right before heading back home.  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
"But Dad..."  
  
"Nick, everything will be fine son"  
  
"You don't understand, I think I hate doing this" And I did, with all my heart. Two days had gone by since Kevin had seen me at my lowest point. I was so embarrassed I wouldn't even make eye contact with him. News of my treatment of the two girls who so graciously broke into my hotel room, had spread and I was quickly developing a reputation of not only being the stupidest Backstreet Boy but now also the meanest one.  
  
No one seemed to care that the girls were trespassing on my property and that they essentially broke into my room. All that mattered was that I refused to sign anything and was a coward. They were interviewed on TV and they mentioned that I was up on my bed almost crying from fear.  
  
If that wasn't bad enough, the girl who I, in a moment of sheer stupidity and panic, slapped when Brian and I were almost mobbed in the elevator, had also come forward telling people about my cruel and unusual treatment of her. I hit her hand big deal, she wanted to rip my hair out of my head.  
  
But those two stories were enough to send Lou and the folks at Trans Con into a tizzy! Lou insisted I apologize publicly for my behavior. That sent me to the phone to call my Dad. I knew that if I had a chance with anyone, it would be him.  
  
"But did you do those things son?"  
  
"Yes but she broke into my room Dad, she could have been a murderer"  
  
"True, but you have to realize that now that you are famous.."  
  
"I don't want to be famous" There was a pause on the other end of the line. I could tell my Dad was letting what I just said sink in.  
  
"What do you want me to do Nick?"  
  
"I want you to let me come home" Another pause, this time accompanied by a sigh. I fidgeted with the phone cord, twisting it in my hand over and over again.  
  
"Are you sure that's what you want?" He asked. I felt anxious. It had come. The moment of choice. I loved the guys, I loved to sing, I loved being a Backstreet Boy but I hated the fame, I hated the spotlight, I hated the people that came with it. Was it gonna really be this easy to bail out? Was saying yes to that question, all I had to do, to get on with a normal life? Did I want a normal life?  
  
"Son? are you there?"  
  
"Yeah Dad, I'm sorry I was thinking"  
  
"Oh, I thought I felt the ground shake"  
  
"Haha very funny dad"  
  
"So? Are you really that miserable? Because if you are then I could talk to your mother and maybe we could get you on a plane home tonight"  
  
"Well, we are leaving in three days, so that wouldn't be necessary"  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"Yes"  
  
"Okay now I need you to tell me Nick, what do you want? Because if you want to leave the group, your Mom and I are gonna have to really get together with Mr. Pearlman. There would be contracts to break and money to talk about"  
  
"I don't know Dad, it's just hard, harder than I thought it would be"  
  
"Of course it's hard. Nick you are in one of the toughest professions there is, it's gonna get harder too" I closed my eyes, wishing that he was sitting right across from me so he could have his hand wrapped in mine. Just like he always did when we had a serious discussion.  
  
"I don't know what to do Dad" I said, finally realizing there was no easy answer to this question.  
  
"Answer me this than" He said, "Do you enjoy doing what you are doing?"  
  
"Yes"  
  
"Do you enjoy being with the other four guys?"  
  
"Most of the time, yes. But I miss you guys"  
  
"I know, we miss you too, but you can't throw away a whole opportunity because you're a little homesick"  
  
"I'm confused"  
  
"I know that Nick but listen to me, if you want us to pull you out, than we will. Mom will be angry as all get out, but she loves you and she will do whatever she feels is best for you. This is a grown up decision I am asking you to make"  
  
"But I'm not a grown up, why is everybody making me grow up?" Tears started to brim in his eyes as he realized that he wanted to be Peter Pan forever carefree and young.  
  
"Because that's the way it is Nick" I listened to my father's simple answer to a question that would nag at me forever and a day, "That's the way it is"  
  
"So than what are you saying Dad?"  
  
"I am saying, you need to do what you feel is right. You love what you are doing, you love who you are doing it with, then all of the bad things that happen are just stepping stones." He was right.  
  
"Okay Dad, I guess I want to stick it out then"  
  
"Are you sure Nick?" I hesitated. Almost changed my mind again, wanted to cry out no please let me come home and be ordinary. I don't think I could ever do ordinary though.  
  
"Yes I'm sure"  
  
"Good, you are making the right decision son, believe me, you won't regret it."  
  
"I hope you are right Dad"  
  
"I am"  
  
So we hung up the phone and I sat there and said over and over again, my dad's words. That's just the way it is.  
  
I said them just before I got on TV on a live interview and apologized to the girls who had no business interfering in my life. That's just the way it is Nick. I said it to myself as I ran from mobs of frenzied fans trying to mount me. I said it as I rode in the van back and forth to rehearsals that I thought would never end, and I said it as Boys for No reason except envy, threw stones at our bus breaking the windows and spitting on us. That's just the way it is...  



	22. So long...farewell...it’s time to say goodbye...

"Well Mr. Carter? You are keeping us in suspense" AJ said as he continued to circle around me with the camcorder in hand. I looked at the camera and smiled.  
  
"Because that's the way it is" AJ had a confused look on his face but Brian smiled. He knew how much those words had meant to me.  
  
"Okay, I'll buy that" J said, now moving on to bug Howie D  
  
"You okay?" Brian asked me as I continued to smile.  
  
"Yes I am"  
  
"Good, glad to hear it" He said patting me on the back. We joined the other three boys in the hallway of my hotel room as we waited for the call to tell us to come downstairs.  
  
We had come such a long way, it was hard to believe we had made it to the ten year mark. I never thought it would happen. There were so many times that one or the other of us, would storm out of a rehearsal and say that's it, I quit! And then last year, ugh, who could forget last year, but still we had survived.  
  
"Do you guys remember the time when Lou came in to tell us about our first magazine cover?" AJ asked.  
  
"Yeah, when my nose was bleeding and Kevin looked like he wet his pants?" Howie said making them all laugh.  
  
"Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Did you ever think we would go this far?" I didn't answer, I was just having fun watching them laugh and talk, just like the old days. Days that despite all the bad, there was still so much good. I loved these guys. I was these guys.  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
"Nick are you packed and ready to go?"  
  
"Yes, Kevin how many times are you gonna ask me that?" I said as Kevin surveyed my hotel room. AJ's stuff was still thrown all over the place but mine was now packed, for the most part and ready to go. Kevin picked up one of AJ's shirts from the floor.  
  
"This kid is a serious slob!" He said throwing it back down disgusted, then he turned his attention back to me, "So, you sure you have everything?" I rolled my eyes at him.  
  
"Yes, Kevin I have everything"  
  
"Hey I missed seeing that eye roll. I feel like I haven't seen that in a while" I laughed.  
  
"Okay well if you are sure you have everything, than I'll meet you downstairs in an hour, okay little man?" He asked me as he tousled my hair.  
  
"Yeah yeah okay!"  
  
"And I mean an hour kiddo"  
  
"God I know what you mean. I understand english you know"  
  
"Okay, and I'm gonna send AJ up to pack."  
  
"Fine, see you in a little while" I sat on my bed, he was still nagging me, "Just humor me again, how long is a little while?" Oh my God  
  
"An hour!"  
  
"Bravo!" He said finally leaving me alone.  
  
I was finally going home. I couldn't wait. There was so much I wanted to tell my family and friends about this trip. There was so much I would NEVER tell my family and friends about this trip. A knock on the door brought me to my feet, "An hour!" I yelled as I opened it up expecting to see Chihuahua Kevin but there was Brian all smiles meeting me instead.  
  
"An hour until what?" He asked as I let him in and closed the door.  
  
"It's nothing, just your stupid anal cousin driving me crazy again"  
  
"Oh I see" He said sitting on AJ's bed.  
  
"Hey Nick"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"AJ told me about the conversation you had with your dad a few days ago. Are you really that unhappy with us?" I was thrown by the question, mostly because I had no idea that AJ was listening in.  
  
"No, it's not like that Brian" I said as I took a seat next to him  
  
"Then what is it like then?"  
  
"It's just that, I don't think I can do this sometimes"  
  
"Me either" He confessed to me, "But you know what? That's why we all need to lean on each other. We are a team now"  
  
"I guess we are" I said putting my arm on his shoulder.  
  
"We will help you get through it little guy, I promise"  
  
"I know, I'll help you get through it too short stuff" I answered  
  
"Who you calling short stuff?" I laughed at him. He stood up to leave, "Nick"  
  
"Yeah Brian?"  
  
"I'm glad you decided to stay"  
  
"Me too"  
  
And I was. I mean after I talked to my dad, I had second thoughts, but then I met up with the guys again, played some games, and hung out. Not as a band, but as friends, because when it came right down to it, that's what we were. Friends.  
  
AJ came trudging in the room hissing insults about Kevin the whole way, I just laughed at him.  
  
"What's so funny?"  
  
"You"  
  
"Oh, glad you find me so humorous, now help me pack!" I helped AJ throw his things in his suitcase, and I mean throw them. There was no folding or anything, he took them and flung them in until they all fit. I have to try that some time. My Mom would kill me when she saw them, but it saves so much time, it would almost be worth it.  
  
The next thing you knew, we were downstairs in the lobby waiting for Kevin of all people. He was late, actually fifteen minutes late. I could only smirk as the minutes ticked by.  
  
"He's never late" Howie said staring at his watch.  
  
"Maybe it's finally happened"  
  
"What AJ?"  
  
"Maybe his head finally exploded!" I laughed, but now I was actually beginning to worry myself. It was very unlike him to be late. He was always early. All the time.  
  
"I'll go check on him" I said volunteering and before anyone could stop me, I was pressing the button to the elevator. We were lucky that no fans had gathered waiting for us in the lobby. We did a good job of checking in unnoticed I suppose.  
  
I ran to Kev's door and knocked, a little nervous when there was no answer.  
  
"Um...Kevin, you're late!" I said knocking a little harder. I started to bite my lip, now very nervous, what if he was dead or something. Maybe he finally gave himself a heart attack! Okay now I had worked myself into a full fledged panic!  
  
"KEVIN!!!!! ARE YOU OKAY IN THERE?" I said now pounding with both fists against his door bringing attention to myself.  
  
"Is everything okay young man?" A nice lady asked me as she passed by me as I pounded.  
  
"I'm not sure, Kevin's not answering, he might have had a heart attack" I said stupidly.  
  
"Oh my! Hold on I will call the front desk" She said running back to her room.  
  
"Kevin, please answer the door, you are scaring me, please!" I shouted again.  
  
"What the hell are you doing?" I heard someone exclaim from behind me. I turned around to see Kevin standing there looking angry. I grabbed him and gave him a hug.  
  
"Thank God you're alive" I said, He had his hands away from his body as he stood there with me wrapped around him, not knowing what was going on.  
  
The nice lady came running out of her room, "Young man I called the front desk and they said they would be right up"  
  
"Nick what's going on?" Kevin asked me, now concerned that this woman was going to get help.  
  
"I thought something had happened to you"  
  
"You what?"  
  
"You were late and I banged on your door but you didn't answer" The woman now relieved smiled, "Oh so this is the man you were so worried about?" She asked. Nick nodded.  
  
"He is much to young to have had a heart attack"  
  
"Heart attack?" Kevin shouted as he pushed Nick away from him.  
  
"Yes, he was under the impression that you were having a heart attack. I called down to the front desk, you better call them before they get an ambulance"  
  
"Oh my gosh, I am so sorry for putting you through that, I certainly will. Thank you" Kevin reached out his hand to thank the woman, she gently accepted it and then walked back towards the elevator.  
  
Kevin began to walk away, "Wait Kev, we have to call the front desk, where are you going?"  
  
"Back to my room to make the call, where did you think I was going?"  
  
"But wait a minute" Nick said pointing to the room he was pounding on, "Isn't this your room?" Kevin shook his head and smiled.  
  
"No, that is Howie and Brian's room, mine is down the hall"  
  
"Oh" I said as I followed him to his room. He called the front desk and straightened the situation out.  
  
"Nick, why on earth would you think I had a heart attack?" He asked while he brushed his hair. Boy that was a good question. Wish I had an answer.  
  
"Because you were late"  
  
"I was late so you thought I had a heart attack?"  
  
"You're never late for anything EVER! I just thought that maybe..I don't know...that all the panicking you do finally caught up with you"  
  
"Let me get this straight, you think I panic so much that I was gonna have a heart attack?"  
  
"Well...yeah" Kevin laughed.  
  
"I just took a nap and overslept" He admitted to me, wow did Kevin just admit he was human? Amazing  
  
"Is everybody mad?" I could have fun with this  
  
"Yes, Lou is pacing back and forth swearing about you"  
  
"So he sent YOU to come and get me?"  
  
"Yeah, hell someone has to be responsible" He smiled.  
  
"Now we are both late so we better get going" Kevin grabbed my arm and shooed me out into the hallway making sure he had everything he needed.  
  
"Well, time to go back to our little mundane lives in the states" Kev said as the elevator dinged letting us out into the lobby.  
  
"Yeah and I can't wait"  
  
"Me either"  
  
We met up with the guys who had a good laugh at my expense for thinking Kevin was dying. Before boarding the van I took a look back at the hotel and took a big whiff of Germany. You know, just in case we never made our way back here again.  



	23. Here’s to another ten years!

I stood there posing for some more pictures. Kevin had all four of us hugging tightly while he snapped picture after picture of us. "Who do you think you are Kev?" Brian asked, "Fritz Afforblatt?" We all laughed.  
  
Truth is, I liked being in my friends embrace. It felt good, natural. Like it was meant to be. I think this whole journey has been meant to be. The good, the bad, the weird, the sad. All of it happened for a reason. I have learned so much over the last ten years. So much more than I could have sitting in a boring classroom in Florida.  
  
  
So what are those things? Good question I think to myself as once again I am posing for a picture. This time it's Howie taking one of Brian and I in a goofy pose. He managed to jump up on my back and stick his fingers in his nose.  
  
  
"Oh good one Brian, your son would be soo proud" Kevin jokes.  
  
  
"Of course he would be, because I am the coolest Dad in the world" I smile and think Yeah Brian you're right.  
  
  
I sink back into my thoughts. Smiling at myself because I am never this reflective. So what have I learned in my ten years? Well, for one, never trust someone who so fast and enthusiastically let's you call him Poppa. Big Poppa. Never say yes to things you don't fully understand. People who don't know you, no matter how sincere they sound, no matter how loudly they may shout your name, don't know you enough to love you.  
  
  
"Nick" I look over to Howie who is now holding the camera and motioning for me to take it from him. I guess it's my turn to take some pictures. They all gather together, arms wrapped around one another and I say "Smile" They all do, I snap the first picture.  
  
  
Know who your friends are. I think that is another thing I learned from this little journey of mine. People pretend to be your friends, they act like they would do anything for you but it is only a very few who actually will. That is a life lesson. A lesson that these four guys have really taught me. "Okay make a goofy pose" I say to them and they make their signature stupid faces, of course Howie winks and Brian once again finds his finger up his nose. AJ sticks his tongue out and Kevin wiggles his eyebrows.  
  
  
Did you notice people do anything you tell them to when you are holding a camera?  
  
  
What else? What else? I guess most importantly, that I can do this. I suits me just fine. Most of the time.  
  
  
"Well guys? Are you ready?" Kevin asked taking the camera out of my hands.  
  
  
"Yup, let's party" AJ said clapping his hands together in an excited gesture.  
  
  
"Guys, before we go, let's talk for a second" Kevin said in his serious, we need to take it all in voice  
  
  
We all stood there and looked at him. He had that look about him, that same look he had all those years ago. So serious, yet level. "I just wanted to say we have come a long way. Think about it for a minute. We started out as this little group and wound up here. What a ride"  
  
  
"It's been a pleasure" Howie added. "It really has"  
  
  
"They are probably waiting for us guys we should go" Brian said as he walked to the door. We followed and turned off the light. I was the last one out. I looked at the empty room and took a deep breath, So many memories...  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
As we pulled away from our hotel in Germany I smiled as I watched it vanish from my site. It was hell, this trip, but it was also one of the most important ones I could ever hope to take, and now that it is over, I kind of didn't want it to end.  
  
  
"What's wrong?" Brian placed his hand on my shoulder. I turned to him and smiled.  
  
  
"Nothing"  
  
  
"You sure?"  
  
  
"Yup"  
  
  
"Well, I'm really glad I'm going home. I missed my family"  
  
  
"I did too" I said, but had to hesitate a minute before actually saying it out loud.  
  
  
We sat together in silence up until we reached the airport. "Brian?"  
  
  
"Yeah Nick?"  
  
  
"What do you think is gonna happen to us now?" He looked over to me again and shrugged. "No clue, we'll have to wait and see I guess" He said. Seemed like a good enough answer.  
  
  
"Well, no matter what happens, if it all ends tomorrow, I love you guys" I said really loud so they all could hear me.  
  
  
"Thanks little man. Same to you" Kevin answered. The rest just smiled. Maybe they didn't feel the same way? Or maybe they thought it was a silly thing to say. Not sure, but for me, it felt like the right thing to say at the time.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~**~*~*~~*~*~*~  
The elevator door opened up and we boarded."Hey guys" They all looked at me, "I just wanted to say, no matter what happens, if it all ends tomorrow, I love you guys"  
  
  
"Thanks little man" Kevin said, the rest just smiled. I didn't have to wonder if they felt the same way or not, I knew they did. They always have.  
  
  
Suddenly with a jolt, the car stopped.  
  
  
"Uh-oh"  
  
  
"That did not just stop did it?"  
  
  
"Yes AJ it did"  
  
  
"Uh-oh"  
  
  
"Nick stop saying that"  
  
  
"Sorry Kevin"  
  
  
"Brian press the buttons"  
  
  
"They aren't doing anything, I think we're stuck"  
  
  
"Uh-oh"  
  
  
"Shut up Nick!"  
  
  
"What do we do?" I asked Kevin. Why not? He always seemed to have an answer to that question.  
  
  
"Press the button again Brian" He kept pressing but still, nothing.  
  
  
"Oh yeah, happy anniversary everyone! Here's to another ten years" AJ said holding up his hand and toasting to the elevator's ceiling.  
  
  
"Okay this is what we do!" Kevin said moving to the center. Now here comes the entertainment.  
  
  
"I'm gonna give AJ a boost and he is gonna stick his head out the trap door in the ceiling and yell for help"  
  
  
"Excuse me? AJ is NOT sticking his head anywhere sorry to disappoint you"  
  
  
"Stop talking about yourself in third person. Okay then Brian"  
  
  
"Fine" He said walking over and letting Kevin boost him up. He pushed the trap door out of the way and placed his arms on the outside.  
  
  
"Kevin"  
  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
  
"What if it starts moving?"  
  
  
"Then jump back in" Just as he said that the elevator moved making Brian's legs flail and in the process kicking Howie in the nose.  
  
  
"Ouch, crap why me?" He said holding his now bloody nose. Kevin forgetting he was holding his cousin up, moved away to look at Howie's nose. Leaving poor Brian dangling in the air.  
  
  
"Help!" He cried which sent me to his aid, I grabbed his legs and he fell to the floor landing on top of me.  
  
  
That is when the door opened.  
  
  
As people were waiting to snap our picture, getting off the elevator and into the party, Kevin was holding Howie's nose, Brian was lying on top of me on the floor while I laughed hysterically and AJ continued to hold his imaginary cup in the air.  
  
  
"HAPPY ANNIVERS...WHAT THE HELL?"  
  
  
Yup some things would never change I suppose. Our lives result in total chaos 24/7 but would I really want it any other way?  
  


**The end**


End file.
